Good Morning everyone. Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here.
Well, at least it’s morning here in Pasadena, California. Where it did NOT rain for the Rose Parade today. Hurray!
Today, my wife and little duckling went off to see the parade. Did you see them on TV? They were the ones waving.
BTW, if you ever get the chance to see the parade in person – do so. I normally go, but this morning I had “pillow issues’ I needed to work through.
Last night at a party, people were talking about their resolutions for 2005. Resolutions take many shapes. You have hopeless resolutions, such as the desire to lose weight or quit smoking. And then there are the totally useless resolutions – such as those passed by the UN.
Now, being practically perfect in every way, I seldom make resolutions. I’m too busy trying to fix other people. Which is really the key to happiness- change everyone around you and you’re bound to be happy. I read that somewhere.
Okay, okay. Maybe I could lose a little bit of weight. And maybe it wouldn’t kill me to actually use Spell Check from time to time.
So, rather than asking all IMAO readers what your resolutions are-which would be insincere since I don’t really care – I thought, “Self, how would you fix other people?”
That led to today’s theme.

2005 New Years Resolutions for Other People.
Michael Moore.
He should eat more. Poor guy is so emaciated, his beard fell off! A sure sign of a vitamin deficiency. Plus, he was on TV the other day wearing a big baggy suit, a sure sign that’s you can see his ribs. Or his McRib sandwiches at least. Yes, Mikey should eat more.
Barbra Streisand.
First off, fix spelling of name. Her parents should have used spell check. Oh, that’s right. They didn’t have computers back then. Well, her parents should have consulted the master cave drawings. She should also tone down her utter and amazing beauty – it would really help her draw some more people from the Homosexual demographic. She needs more of those.
Dan Rather.
He’s retired now. My resolution for him is to take up something creative. Painting, drawing, making fake ID’s. This man has talent refined from many years of playing 3 card montey on the set of CBS. He should also practice looking serious – all those laugh lines make me want to do a happy dance each time I see him.
Bill Clinton.
Flirting is good. As long as it doesn’t get out of hand. For 2005, he’s going to be busy bashing Bush at every turn and showing the world how much Clinton cares. I wish him a steady stream of interns to help him with all the work. I also wish him the new Quivering Lower Lip I Care So Much Workout Video. Great for the facial muscles.
Hillary Clinton.
I resolve for Hillary to have many more years with Bill. ‘Till Political Career Expediency Do They Part.
John Kerry.
Kerry served in Vietnam. He’s all but left it behind. I wish for him to read Unfit for Command. A great book written by people who served with him. I also hope he finds a new lucky hat.
John Edwards.
First and foremost, I wish that you and your wife pull through this cancer thing successfully. Secondly, I resolve for you to pursue a career in acting. Start with Broadway. Maybe a musical – Hmmm.Grease? Hairspray?
Whoopi Goldberg.
I resolve for her to get a new career. Hollywood Squares has a lot of prestige, but maybe this year she can move up – to something like a dunking booth? She needs to get into the news a bit more. She should try Bush bashing. That can sometimes work.
US Expats in Canada.
You couldn’t vote for the man who would cut and run, so you decided to cut and run for yourselves. I admire your consistency. What is my resolution for them… hmm. Oh, I know. In Canada, Muslims can exempt themselves from Canadian law in favor of Shariah Law. Maybe President Bush can lobby for American Law to apply to Americans living up there. That’s would be great.
“I’m a Canadian now. What are you doing in my house? And what’s with the orange jumpsuit? Nooooooo”
I hope you enjoyed your New Year Celebration. Tell me, what resolutions would you make for other people? And yes, you can comment on the resolutions you have made for yourselves.
This is my final post as Frank should be back soon. I’m still having my Caption Contest. You might be the one to win that wonderful SpongeBob watch (retail value $1.99). Amaze your friends.
Drop by and visit at www.rightwingduck.net. We have some wonderful entries so far.