A Post by Guest Blogger RightWingDuck.
Friends, CBS will soon be coming out with the resulst of their investigation on the Forged Air National Guard Records. Yes, a complete report after all this time.
Do not be upset this delay. Please understand, it takes two days to decide to air a document, and several months to figure out if it was real.
However, since we are not as bright as those Blue Staters, I decided to put together a translation guide — to better enable you to understand their statements. The Mainstream Media, like all things French, have their own language. Never fear – RightWingDuck is here (Hey, that rhymed).
I present to you..
The RWD Phrasebook of CBS Reporting.
Our goal is to report the facts
We’ll do anything to nuke Bush.
We consulted everything the bloggers have noted
Man, Moxie looks great in go-go boots.
And we held an executive meetings…
Happy Hour, hurray.
And we had many spirited debates.
Drinking, drinking, and RPG barfing.
After a thorough analysis
Where the hell did we put those papers?
And several consultations
Happy Hour!!

With well well known, well respected, professional–
Somebody, who knows somebody,
Typewriting experts
Who knows somebody, who knows my brother-in-law
We can not be sure that these were not originals
We’re too cheap too buy a Selectric typewriter and do a text comparison.
So we made a decision
We flipped a coin
We can’t be sure, but we apologize if people thought we were lying on purpose.
We were lying on purpose.
Dan Rather is deeply embarrassed by all of this..
He’ll never be able to cash a check without 10 forms of ID.
And so is the entire CBS staff.
Is it Happy hour yet?
Good Night.
Cha ching. I’m making big money just for keeping a straight face.
**
There, I hope this better helps you to understand this weird foreign language we keep hearing on TV.
I might have missed something, so tell me if there are any other phrases that may need translating.
BTW, I have a new post up at www.rightwingduck.net regarding this whole Powerline flap with a local columnist on the attack.
Man, these media guys do speak a different language.

Mrs. Greyhawk has an interesting entry to a photoshop contest.
Laurence Simon has his own version of a comic to help Mexicans sneak into our borders. Make sure to read the links on the sidebar in the image. (Hat tip to Michelle Malkin – two l’s)
Now I leave until next week when I return with SarahK and a kitten. I didn’t get to formally e-mailing my guest bloggers, but your free to use my site as a trash bin for unwanted posts until whenever it is I get back.
Be honorable, ronin.

Since everyone seems so sensitive on the issue, so here’s what I propose as the new regulations for interrogating a terrorist:
* He will be asked to “please” give us information.
* If no information is given, he will then be asked to “pretty please” give us information.
* If there is still no response, he will finally be asked to “pretty please with sugar on top” give us information.
* Any further requesting would be badgering and could be construed as torture. If given court approval, though, the interrogator could offer to be the terrorist’s “very best friend” in exchange for information.
There. That should make everyone happy.

There a lot of controversy involving nominating Alberto Gonzales to Attorney General and the issue of torture. Well, look at these e-mails I intercepted between the President and Gonzales (I intercept everyone’s e-mail and it’s perfectly legal; if you ever read one of those software agreements before clicking okay, they all have a section somewhere saying, “…and Frank J. can read your e-mails.”):

To: gonzo_gonzales@hotmail.com
From: dubya@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Torture
Do you think we should allow torture of the terrorists we captured?
* * * *
To: dubya@whitehouse.gov
From: gonzo_gonzales@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Torture
Yes! We should torture them! Torture! Torture! Torture! Torture is fun; I’ll cut them myself. Afterwards, I’ll eat a burrito… since I’m Mexican!
* * * *
To: gonzo_gonzales@hotmail.com
From: dubya@whitehouse.gov
Subject: RE: RE: Torture
Cool beans!

Pretty incriminating.

Senatorette Barbara Boxer is signing on the challenge the Electoral College votes. Many people at Democratic Underground who, as they like to point out constantly, are much smarter and more often right than any of us, are convinced this will lead to Kerry becoming president.
Time to load the shotguns.
Any moment now Kerry is going to storm down the Potomac in his swift boat and take the White House. The lefties, stirred to a frenzy by the coup, will storm the streets as berserkers, attacking everything in site. So lock you doors and keep your weapons at hands. If someone rings your doorbell and identifies himself as “President Kerry,” DO NOT LET HIM IN! Shoot anyone who tries to come in through the windows.
You’re probably asking whether next the dead will rise and eat the flesh of the living – like in Dawn of the Dead. Well, there is no evidence that this won’t happen. I hope you stocked up on ammo.
Damn you, Barbara Boxer! You’ve destroyed civilization! Damn you!