Mithras gave us some good material to work with yesterday (make sure to check out the comments to this post where Scott Ott and Iowahawk shows up; Iowahawk gets about every muckadoo thought into one concise “joke.”), so I’d thought I’d look to my favorite left-wing blog (which I don’t say mockingly) for some more free funny. Kevin Drum asks “What is wrong with Democrats these days?” and lists ten common answers to that question. He got the main ones, but I’ll try some of my own.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH DEMOCRATS THESE DAYS?
* Just don’t demagogue like they used to.
* Too many carbs.
* No sense of humor.
* Only ones with sense of humor. Really! You only think you’re laughing, you stupid conservatives!
* Needs more cowbell.
* Everyone is dumb except for them.
* Everyone has sense except for them.
* Too much fear of the reaper.
* Bush looks like a chimp and you can’t compete with chimps because people love chimps!
* Thought of them taking on terrorists is laughable.
* Actually, being called a Democrat is more an insult to one’s manhood than having it insinuated you’re gay.
* And charges of Demophobia aren’t shaming people.
* When Democrats were finally getting traction, Karl Rove invented MoveOn.org and DailyKos.com to keep them down.
* Also, Michael Moore is Rove in a fat suit.
* KARL ROOOOOVE!!!!
Well, that’s just a few thoughts. Put what you think is wrong with the Democrats in the comments.
BTW, if you’re still wondering whether conservatives can be funny (I’m always wondering if I’m funny myself), I think this settles the issue. See, we’re listed as a “humorous blog” and we’re right-wing. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, you dumb crackers.
The problem with Dems is that they are hilariously funny when they’re not trying to be, and incredibly un-funny when they are.
The other problem with Dems is everything else you can think of.
The main problem with Dems is that they think they are, and speaking for the “main stream”, while conservatives know they are speaking for conservatives.
Their problem is that they think the conservatives are the only knee-jerk reactionary bigots.
Karl Rove ate all of their Cracklin’ Oat Bran AND switched their regular coffee with Folger’s Crystals.
Air America didn’t fund the Oliver Stone religious film, “The Passion of the Marx.”, with the money the Boys & Girls Club “donated” to them like they said they would.
Their last 3 hour meeting to figure out their “values” was spent playing drinking games with Teddy Kennedy instead.
They were unable to get their UN marching orders due to Kofi Annan being suddenly rushed to the hospital following a nasty document shredding accident.
Too many minorities have risen to positions of power and influence on their own. The DNC has had to divert too many of its resources to “educate” them as to how it was really welfare and free school lunches and NOT hard work and perseverance that got them there. This diversion of resources has left the Dems too weak to even drive around in their limos giving Hot Pockets to the poor.
I like how “Arianna Huffington Website” is spelled out so people won’t think they are going the actual person.
Could we rename that to Ariana Huffnpuffington?
Nah, it’s the way Democrats walk around like a dog that’s been kicked too much, or ain’t been kicked enough, I can’t decide which.
Or maybe it’s that they are all commies, hippies or both, and most folks don’t like commies or hippies.
the Democrats are that kid you knew in your first year at college. Kids that spent their entire life coddled and told that sun, moon, and stars shine out of their back passage while being sheltered from the harsh and bitter realities of the world at large.
This left them in a state of arrested development, where they’re incredibly naive and ignorant, but are convinced they know everything there is to know.
First year of university away from home, these kids go completely ape-scat and are shocked an appalled when they wake up in a back alley dumpster with a hangover, acid flashbacks, a tattoo of the F-word on their forehead, and syphillis.
Just like the Democratic Party.
What’s wrong with Democrats these days? Luxury car price, economy car leg-room.
What’s Wrong with Democrats These Days?
10. Compare Gitmo with the Gulag, then remember they liked the Gulag.
9. Think it’s unconstitutional to publicly display a crucifix, unless you take a whiz on it.
8. Think crushing a baby seal’s skull is a sin, but crushing a human baby’s skull is a civil right.
7. Can’t make the Fundies see that marriage shouldn’t discrimate againt pederasts, necrophiles and beastialists.
6. Don’t understand why the Negros get all uppity at being equated with livestock.
5. Can’t beat Rush in the 18-34 demographic even with money stolen from poor children.
4. Ignorance of kerning results in half-assed forgeries and embarrassment all around.
3. Failure to wear tinfoil hats at all times allows thoughts to be controlled by Rovian thought-control rays.
2. Too chicken to just strap on an explosive vest and blow up a bunch of children like we really want.
And the number one problem with Democrats today:
1. Too many purple hearts, not enough wounds.
Two inevitable consequences of freedom of speech: pornography and liberalism.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell the two apart.
I want to talk about the Constitution for a minute, because frankly, I’m sick of liberals hiding behind this historical document. There are some myths about the Constitution that badly need debunking. And I think it’s high time someone made the necessary effort to open our eyes to the truth.
First, liberals are always talking about how the Constitution is a ‘living document’ and therefore needs to be constantly interpreted and reinterpreted as times advance and society grows and changes. I say that’s hooey. The Constitution isn’t a ‘living document’, it is black and white words on print, and if it is to be interpreted, it must be interpreted very strictly by the standards of the great American patriots who wrote it.
What do we know about the writers of the Constitution? Well, they were our founding fathers and therefore as I have already stated, they were great American patriots, and therefore, it is as obvious as the nose on your face that none of them were liberals, because liberals are barely even Americans, much less patriotic ones. And if there were no liberals among the noble Founding Fathers who authored our Constitution, it seems obvious to me, and it should be obvious to any decent, straight thinking American, that any rights contemplated or set forth by our Founding Fathers in the Constitution were not intended for liberals. No, it is inarguable; our Founding Fathers had no intention of creating any ‘liberal rights’. The Bill of Rights is for good, decent, right thinking American citizens, and liberals have no business claiming it for themselves.
Even if you were to reject that argument – and only a liberal, by which I mean, a putative American who is clearly objectively pro-terrorist, possibly could – we then come to one of the other enormous myths about the Constitution, which is that it is this sacred document that must be upheld above all other things. But what about President Abraham Lincoln? No one would argue that he is without a doubt one of our great country’s very greatest Presidents, and what makes him great? The fact that, when he was confronted with a crisis of unprecedented proportion, he was wise enough to set aside so called ‘Constitutional rights’ to preserve the great nation whose care he had been entrusted with. The Constitution clearly gives each individual state the right to secede from the Union if that state should so choose; Lincoln understood that this was a terrible idea and he said no. Damn the Constitution. He set it aside, as sometimes must be done in time of war. And if Lincoln could do it, how can we hesitate to step up to the plate when an even worse crisis threatens our great nation now?
We are at war right now, no less than in the time of Lincoln. I do not speak of the War on Terror, but rather of yet another civil war, if one that the liberal mainstream media has successfully conspired to keep unspoken: the war between decent right thinking God fearing patriotic Americans and the selfish miserable terrorist sympathizing pro sodomy subversives who would turn our entire country over lock stock and barrel to the Kremlin, if only the Kremlin were still in business. I am speaking of an ideological war being fought in the classrooms, on our tv screens, in our movie theaters, and on the Internet even as we speak, a battle of Biblical proportions that is being waged for no less than the future of our nation and the world, and the very shape of how our children will see and feel and think in the years to come.
Yes, I am talking about a war between conservatives and liberals. They are not with us, therefore, they are against us. And make no mistake about it, my friend and neighbor, they are insidious enemies of all that is good and right and free and American and they must be stopped. By force of law if possible, or if not, then simply by force.
While Abraham Lincoln was a truly great President, there can be no doubt that George W. Bush is even greater. Like Lincoln, President Bush sees a nation in danger… grave danger, danger so critical that our country could go up in flames at any moment. And like Lincoln, our President understands that to preserve America and the very ideals of freedom and liberty in the long term, some sacrifices have to be made in the short term. And this wisdom and those sacrifices have never been more evident than in the absolutely vital words of the PATRIOT Act and the PATRIOT Act II.
Liberals whine about civil liberties being abridged and rights being lost, but in times of war there are going to be some losses. When our heroic men and women in uniform are dying in a distant land to protect your rights, how dare an unpatriotic and traitorous few insist on abusing those rights regardless of the cost to the moral fabric of our great nation? Does a soldier in a combat zone have freedom of speech? No he does not, and we are all soldiers in a combat zone now. All that remains to be determined is which side we are fighting on. Where’s your flag, soldier? Is it Old Glory… or is it the insidious pink banner of modern liberalism?
Let us return for a moment to the Constitution once more. The Bill of Rights guarantees freedom of religion, and once again, liberals use these phrases to justify tolerance of the worst, most barbaric, most brutal, most uncivilized, and most disgusting creeds, ranging from Islam to Hindu to Buddhism to Satanism. And it is nonsense. Our Founding Fathers were every one of them good decent Christian men and to them it went without saying that when they wrote about religious freedom, they were speaking in a Christian context. Certainly they meant to guarantee every Christian the right to worship God and His Son Jesus in any way they choose that is consistent with scriptural teaching, and they were certain that as America was indeed one nation under God, this would always be understood and would never have to be explicitly stated. Yet because they did not explicitly state it, we now have to listen to liberals bleating constantly about how even Moslems who strap bombs to their chests before walking onto school buses full of innocent children to kill every one of them in an orgy of insane Mohamed-mandated suicide/homicide have the right to worship as they please. In America? Moslems? Show me one Moslem who signed the Declaration of Independence. Show me one Moslem who died at Valley Forge.
America is one nation under God, and that God’s son is Jesus Christ. Americans are Christians, as our Founding Fathers were. Religious freedom is for Christians, just as freedom of speech is for decent patriotic Americans. Our Founding Fathers never meant to enact ‘liberal rights’, and certainly they never intended to provide religious freedoms to heathens and pagans and murderous anti-American idolaters.
While we are talking about the specious assignment of so called ‘rights’ we need to discuss the most pernicious abuse of this ridiculous doctrine, ‘gay rights’. Were any of the American Founding Fathers gay? I don’t think so. Did Thomas Jefferson wear a pinafore? Did Patrick Henry and Benjamin Franklin hold hands while they were drafting the documents that became the very fabric of the American Way of Life, and demand in a limp wristed lisp that George Washington to allow them to get married? Of course not. Liberals snivel about how the Constitution requires equal access to the law, and equal treatment under it, and since marriage is a matter of law, denying gays access to marriage violates the Constitution’s so called Equal Protection Clause. But, again, it could not be plainer to anyone of common sense that our Founding Fathers never intended to create any ‘gay rights’. In fact, given that America was created as a refuge from decadent, effete European monarchies, and our great nation was founded in rebellion against probably the gayest nation in the world, Britain, it should be clear that gays are not welcome here and should go back to wherever they came from. Or simply stop being gay, as is perfectly possible and achievable through many outstanding Christian sexual orientation support groups.
Now I want to talk about this obsession liberals have with so called torture. It should go without saying that the people being ‘tortured’ deserve it, and anyway, they aren’t Americans, not even as American as liberals are. Yet what I think is truly despicable is when liberals use these instances of necessarily vigorous patriotic interrogation in defense of our great nation to draw insidious comparisons between the United States and Nazi Germany. It is odious and ridiculous. Three questions for the liberal intelligentsia (so called):
(1) Is it the 1930s or the 1940s?
(2) Is this Germany?
(3) Is anyone in the U.S. military a card carrying Nazi of any sort?
The answer is no, no, and of course, a huge resounding no. Three no’s, which should put all this to bed once and for all. This is America, the country that totally triumphed over Nazi Germany in 1945, the greatest, most free, proudest, strongest nation in the history of the world. To compare America to Nazi Germany is wrong, it is hateful, it is hurtful, and it is treason. When we say things like that, or tolerate other so called Americans saying things like that, the terrorists win.
I also want to address the recent media hounding of a great American, Karl Rove. There is a lot of talk about him doing something that liberals claim is wrong. I am not even going to go into details because honestly it is all very sickening that a man of Mr. Rove’s stature even has to be assailed in this way and I do not want to dignify these cheap accusations by repeating them. Liberals try to make this all something very complex, but to any true American, it is a very simple matter. President Bush has stated that Karl Rove has his full confidence, and to a good patriotic U.S. citizen, that should be all that is necessary. When the elected leader of your nation personally vouches for a member of his own administration, that should be enough for any patriotic, properly supportive citizen, at least, when the President speaking out is a man of character and honor like George W. Bush.
Let us never forget, when pinko liberal softies like Bill Clinton were avoiding military service and traveling to Moscow to provide national secrets to his Communist masters there, George W. Bush proudly and bravely and selflessly served in our nation’s fine military. When John Kerry was staging enemy ambushes and shooting our own boys in the back so he could act his way into some unearned, undeserved medals, George W. Bush was flying high in an aircraft emblazoned with the Air Force insignia. George W. Bush is the greatest hero in American history, and he is leading America to an era of unprecedented international glory despite all the liberal wimps biting at his ankles like fluffy little toy poodles. And while there are ramifications to every action that the American people cannot understand and should not be told due to national security concerns, one thing we can take to the bank is this: if George W. Bush tells us something is true, then it is as good as gold.
This is why the recent so called ‘debate’ regarding the well established and utterly valid scientific fact of intelligent design is so ridiculous. The ‘theory’ of evolution is exactly that, a ‘theory’, and one that has been rigorously and definitively disproven in every religious text. Let us never forget that even as recently as the turn of the 20th Century, so called ‘scientific principles’ were ‘proving’ absolutely that a heavier than air craft could never get off the ground, and, in fact, that a hummingbird could not fly. ‘Science’ and ‘math’ can always be mistaken, but the word of God is invincible and irrefutable. It is self evident to anyone with a functioning brain (which of course is why liberals don’t get it) that a universe as complex as the one we inhabit could not ‘just happen’, and basic thermodynamics shows it is impossible for a more complex organism to ‘evolve’ out of a simpler one.
Anyone should be able to understand this, but for those Americans who still cannot comprehend it, our great leader President Bush has made it absolutely clear: intelligent design is a proven scientific fact and needs to be taught as such in our classrooms. Further debate on this subject is both unnecessary and unpatriotic.
I simply want to say one more thing before I go. While it is not proven that all liberals are pedophiles, it should be noted that it is an established fact that all liberals are card carrying members of the ACLU, and the ACLU has successfully defended the Man-Boy Love Association on the grounds of freedom of expression. So are all liberals boy loving kiddie rapers? Evidence is still being gathered, but I think the conclusion is fairly obvious, even before the FBI closes its ongoing investigation. Which leaves us with the question – in the undeclared civil war, which side are you on: America’s – or the pinko boy loving kiddie rapers?
No true American would need even a moment’s thought to answer that question.
I had a really funny comment, but no one is going to get past that humongous comment by Super Patriot so why bother writing it?
“No true American would need even a moment’s thought to answer that question,” but Super Patriot (does he have a cape too?) needs a book to answer it. LOL!
Super Patriot-
Could you please elaborate?
Super PAtriot, Get your own freakin’ blog already. BTW No one read what you wrote because this is a comments section, not a commentary section. Back to the topic at hand, The problem with democrats is… They’re democrats.
The problem with democrats is that they think like Superpatriot- that is, classifying people and wholeheartedly beleiving the stereotypes are 100% true. Such as “it is an established fact that all liberals are card carrying members of the ACLU.”
O_o
Or how about “All minority races are poor underpriveleged folks being held down by the white man, and because of this, they’re just too damn stupid to get into good schools on their own, get good jobs on merit, etc., and therefore we have to mommy them and teach them that they shouldn’t have to work like whitey and that whitey should be working and paying them to sit on their ass all day. Well, that or they’re race traitors.”
So to summarize what has almost become an overlong rant like Stuperpatriot’s post:
What’s wrong with democrats today is that they think everyone is the same. Except for those evil successful people. They’re bad, and need to die. Unless they’re democrats.
I misread it as “Super Parrot” — or DID I?
Super P does indeed have a blog of his own:
http://www.angelfire.com/droid/annals/
And trust me on this one: he was being rather tight-fisted with his words in the little piece above.
Mischa has now heard of this Super Patriot essay.
Stay tuned, there will certainly be a comment on the Rott tomorrow.
Great post, SP!
bows