I was going to write a Know Thy Enemy: Iran, but then I saw that I already had one. Since every KTE is definitive and never needs addition, I’ll instead talk about a more specific issue involving Iran:
FRANK SOLUTIONS TO IRANIAN NUKES
* Sanctions: If we can keep Iran from getting money, they’ll all totally starve.
“Where are the Twinkies!” they’ll cry.
“The Americans no longer send their Twinkies.”
“Then we shall surely perish!”
Soon they’ll be begging to trade their nukes for food. Let’s refuse since we’ll have a great bargaining position. Instead, let’s ask for all their nukes and all their gold.
Of course, they could get Twinkie substitutes from other countries and then this won’t work at all.
* Harsh Language: Before violence, try raising your voice. The Iranian government loves strong rhetoric, so maybe we can counter them there.
“If the Americans cross us, we will cut the hands off the Americans and put the mark of shame on there foreheads! We will…”
“Will you goobers shut up? Talk talk talk; that’s all you Iranians are. All we have to do is fly one bomber over your country and you guys will wet your pants with your small penises.”
This will take away the Iranians’ self-esteem, and then they’ll give up their nukes so we’ll like them.
Or they’ll get angry and launch missiles everywhere. Those guys are hard to predict; they’re crazy.
* Steal Them: We can just go into Iran and totally steal all their nukes. You may think that may be hard since the Iranians are probably watching their nukes closely, so that’s why I have a plan. We just release a bunch of pigs to run through Tehran. Then everyone will be like, “Oh no! We gotta get these pigs out of here or Allah is gonna be all mad!” Then, while everyone is distracted by the pigs, we grab their nukes. They may be big, though, so we’ll needs some handcarts or something. If we don’t have a lot of handcarts, then we probably can’t go with this plan.
* Invade Iran: Since we have so many troops in Iraq which is right next to Iran and those troops are probably tired of dealing with insurgents, our troops can just march over to Iran and say, “We are now your rulers! Bring us many gifts of fruit baskets and beer!” If some people in Iran decide to shoot at our troops, this could be a bit more complicated, but our troops are trained for that sort of thing.
* Bomb Iran: If we totally bomb the crap out of Iran, then they can’t threaten us. Bombed people can’t use nukes; this is scientific fact. And, contrary to popular belief, nukes can destroy other nukes… though it may wake up Godzilla.
Those are all your options, people. So pick one. Otherwise, things will go bad and I’ll be like, “Hey, I told you what to do, and you just didn’t listen. You’re all dumb.”
You don’t want to be called dumb, do you?
It strikes me that if you’ve already had time to write a Know Thy Enemy about Iran, and that you were forced to write a Frank Solutions about Iran as well…Iran has been a news maker for far too long. Something must be done, and quickly. If Frank J. gets to the point that he has to write a Fun Facts about Iran, he will have no where else to go…and what will happen then? Probably total, instantaneaous, lunar destruction.
President Bush – Do something about Iran so we don’t get to the point where Frank J. is forced to write a Fun Facts about Iran, and is left with no where else to go!
I’m partial to the bombing, but that could look bad on our part. Since hippies and liberals don’t want us building more nukes other countries will be like “HAHA you wasted your nukes on Iran” and will surely attack us.
Two possibles? Assassinate the leaders that want the nukes or introduce western pop culture into their society. Assassinating that many leaders might waste too many bullets though. Pop culture can destroy their society, as it usually does, and then they will have to deal with liberal hippies like we do. No more nukes, HAHA.
Frankly, I think the answer lies with the “Twinkie substitute.” If the Iranians are forced to eat bargain Twinkie substitute from some third world country like Russia, I think they will immediately become our friends again, hoping to once again stimulate free Twinkie-trade. Let them suffer through months of Brinkies, Finkies, or whatever the lame knock-off company wants to call them, only God can make a tree, but only Hostess can make a Twinkie. I believe that’s in the Bible. Book of Drake 7:11.
I say lets give them the Stargate and let them take themselves to the moon, then,
we NUKE THE MOON!
Personally, I think we should just blanket Iran with those little airline bottles of Jack Daniels and leaflets with porn. They wouldn’t know how to handle this, except while they are distracted making “love to the glove”, we can sneak in and either steal their nukes, or even better…just set timers and detonators to them. If all else fails, we can just steal Godzilla, Rodan,etc. from monster island and set them loose on Iran!
Maybe we should have Hostess cook their Twinkies in pig lard. Let them sell the Twinkies for a year, then announce that the Twinkies have been cooked in pig lard, and they’ll all have to kill themselves because they have dishonored Allah. Then their nukes should be easy to steal, and their oil too.
Can’t we send them our hippies? And our libbies? And our dummies .. er, demies? After dealing this those yahoos, Iran will no doubt embrace America and just hand over their nukes.
or….
maybe we can send one of their clerics a subliminal message that a suicide bomber in Tehran with a nuke would bring America to her knees.
Maybe a good way to deal with the illegal immigrant problem would be to send all of them over to Iran. While the illegals are taking over there we could spirit the nukes out of the country.
Islam would not be much of a problem either. I dare one of those Iman’s to come up against any woman of Hispanic extraction and live to tell about it. Those can be some really fierce women. ( almost as bad as Irish women- I know this from personal experience)
How about reverse psychology?
Hey, Iranians, you want nukes? We got your nukes, right here!
Just give them what they want.
I read on Daily Kos that Rove has already bought up all the handcarts as part of the conspiracy has our country going stragiht to Hell.
These are all good ideas.
I just get a warm fuzzy feeling when we bomb stuff. So, my vote is for bombing!!!!!
Maybe a combination. We drop pigs on them from bombers! We should even go old school and send in B52s. Big, bad, loud AMERICAN hardware!!!
I don’t see how an 80’s band with an effiminate male singer is going to intimidate them, Undecided.
DesertElephant..
They are very insecure about the masculinity..
If we drop the lead singer of the B52s into Tehran, with the pigs, and he is running around singing about the Love Shack, they will surely give up the nukes without a fight!!
Careful people,next thing you know Cader Happy will post a pic of FrankJ in wig singing in the band.We don’t want that do we?
After the picture of Frank and the three headed dog, I’m not sure anything is off limits.
How about we deport our gangs and loads of hard-core felons to Iran. Libs get mushy about felons being released. And, let’s face it, Iran will bend into submission after getting sick of low riders with shiny chrome wheels and bad paint jobs. How can you pray to Allah, when all you hear is fart mufflers, horrible repetitive bass lines, and “bitch ho”?