Since you guys want it:
FRANK: Hi, I’m Frank J., and I’m the new White House Press Secretary. I’m already pissed about my work commute, so let’s not push me. Anyway, I don’t feel like answering questions, so I’m just going to read from my Ninja FAQ. You guys probably won’t get most of the jokes, so I’ll motion with my hand thusly when you’re supposed to laugh.
REPORTER: What do ninjas have to do with Iran?
FRANK: Okay, I thought I spoke slowly and clearly enough for you guys to understand. Maybe I should just dangle some keys to keep you guys entertained.
REPORTER: We’re not dumb. We’re journalist and… are you playing videogames.
FRANK: …
REPORTER: Mr. J!
FRANK: Constarnit! Great, I just died. I hope you guys are happy. What’s so important it couldn’t wait until I was at a save point?
REPORTER: We have questions about Iran?
FRANK: Really? Iran has been around a long time, so I don’t see why anyone would still have questions. Try looking it up on Wikipedia.
REPORTER: We mean questions about the Bush administration’s policy towards Iran.
FRANK: They don’t like Iran.
REPORTER: That’s not a policy.
FRANK: Says you.
REPORTER: Is anything planned to stop Iran?
FRANK: Yeah… there’s like a tactical nuclear strike planned for this afternoon… threeish, I think.
REPORTER: ARE WE REALLY ENTERING A NUCLEAR WAR AND…
FRANK: That was a joke! You guys are dense. Anyhoo, Link has some important quests to complete, so could you all be quiet for a few minutes.
REPORTER: Can’t you do that later?
FRANK: No. My wife doesn’t let me play videogames at home, so this is my only time. Now, quiet!
REPORTER: I have a question about the generals denouncing Rumsfeld.
FRANK: Fine! I guess I’ll never get to play videogames again. What’s your stupid moron question?
REPORTER: What is the White House’s reaction to the generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation?
FRANK: What generals?
REPORTER: You know; the one that have been reported on the news and…
FRANK: No generals have talked to me.
REPORTER: Yes, but…
FRANK: If it were important, they’d talk to me. People know you talk to Frank J. when you want things done. If it’s unimportant, they’d talk to you idiots. Next question.
SARAHK: What do you want for dinner tonight?
FRANK: I keep telling you I hate that question. Just make something. Next question.
REPORTER: Recently, a number of undocumented workers have…
FRANK: Let me explain how this works again: you are trying to get information from me. That means you make short interrogative sentences and I do the monologing, not you. Got it?
REPORTER: It’s just…
FRANK: Shh! You know, I went to college specifically so I would never have to interact with idiots like you people. Anyway, I’m guessing you have some query on illegal immigration policy. President Bush supports illegal immigrants coming into this country to do unskilled labor such as picking beans, cleaning toilets, and holding mikes while asking inane questions. Pedro, you had a question?
PEDRO: My name is Pedro.
FRANK: Not a question, but keep working on the English. Okay, I’m going to cut things off now because I want to head home before I get stuck in the rush hour traffic on the Beltway. If I didn’t answer everything, just make stuff up like you normally do; people never listen to you guys anyway. Also, I brought a wolverine with me, but he disappeared somewhere in the pressroom. If you encounter him, please shout out.
First!
Where is Rowdi when you need her?
//FRANK: No. My wife doesn’t let me play videogames at home, so this is my only time. Now, quiet!//
GRAND APPLAUSE!!! You guys know there would be a lot fewer divorces these days if you guys could just learn this rule for life!! Well Done Sara!!
Frank sounds alot like Rumsfeld…I wonder…have these two ever been in the same room together? Maybe Rummy is Frank’s real dad?
“That means you make short interrogative sentences and I do the monologing” — I love it!
“just make stuff up like you normally do” LOL!
The correct answer to “What do you want for dinner tonight?” is: “what are my options?” I know that’s technically not an answer, but it gets both of you closer to what you’re looking for.
Wisdom it took me years to develop is yours for the taking…
(Should I be concerned that it took me years to come up with this helpful response? Probably…)
Why waste good money on a wolverine? I thought that was why you got Rowdi (and it would cut down on your dog food expense).
Frank J., you just proved why everyone voted for you.
Why make Rowdi sick (you should know Liberal blood is seathing with poison). Rooms full of lefties are the reason why God created flame throwers!
Why is a press secretary needed? Couldn’t the White House just set up an automated call line to handle the press?”
“Hello, and thank you for calling the White House press line. We realize that you really don’t ask questions, but instead make biased monologue statements, so please enjoy our new automated system designed to help serve you more efficiently.”
“To make a statement disguised as a question regarding Iraq, press one. To make a statement disguised as a question regarding all other issues, press two. Please wait for the beep and begin your monologue. When you are finished, please feel free to make up answers to any questions you may have, as you would following a traditional press conference. Thank you again for calling the White House press line.”
That’s it, a jihad on your ass.
I was nice, I threatened you Frank, and Cat boy and even Harvey.
You have forced me to declare a battle of the funny which will not be hosted at your puny site.
I will battle Frank J for the job of Press Secretary and the Puppy Blender will host the poll.
Now I pack for DC and the Milblogs conference, where much scheming will take place.
Cordially,
Uncle J
Uncle J,
You can’t win. If I wanted the job (which I’m not thrilled about), I’m young, vigorous, immune to social graces, and largely ignorant of current events. That makes me the perfect person to deal with reporters.
I can’t believe nobody else is outraged that Frank J. is not allowed to play video games. Did you know that would happen before you got married? Because for me, that would be cause for a divorce.
bgrx, no woman in her right mind would allow the videogame playing. We all know that it’s a guy’s way of escaping reality and if he’s trying to escape reality while he’s married, he’s being a stupid butthead and VERY insulting. Plus he’s hogging the TV.
1.)Wait a few years. Not Playing Videogames will be on the bottom of the list of things you don’t get to do anymore.
2.)There are many correct answers to Sara’s question:
a.)I don’t know – what would you like me to (make you/bring home/go out for)
b.)How about X (where x=something quick and easy that’s in the kitchen already.) Of course, b leads to, “I was thinking of making y, to which you say, “that sounds even better. All of these approaches are designed to keep the list mentioned in #1 limited to Video Games.
3. Can’t you play computer games while American Idol is on? You wouldn’t even have to turn the sound off, since the music of the game would be indistinguishable from that coming from the TV
//since the music of the game would be indistinguishable from that coming from the TV//
My guess is that you’ve never heard the score for Panzer or Allied General. I’m not an Idol fan, but I DO enjoy my DVD Firefly and Lois&Clark episodes, and believe me the tunes DO NOT mix well. Sorry to ruin your compromise, but videogames are bad for marriage…PERIOD.
I know quite a few women who would be offended by this games-are-for-men mentality, but I get the picture.
Funny. I always thought that being bossy, overbearing, uncompromising and immasculating was bad for a marriage. Good thing I was set straight.
Question: Why did people get divorced in the days before before Pong and its progeny?
We should get preachers in the pupits denouncing the playing of any video games as they lead to bad marriages. My eyes have been opened!
//I always thought that being bossy, overbearing, uncompromising and immasculating was bad for a marriage. Good thing I was set straight.//
LOL DE!! See it’s so simple. I’m still glad this is a humor site but I realize my penchant for tossing Playstations off of balconies might be construed as uptight and far from the topic. My bad.
FRANK IS FUNNY!! There! Back on track.
It’s been a while since I played my PS2, we both used to play Tiger Woods 2005 together a lot. Sadly, it’s been even longer since I played a round of golf. No golf make Chris cry. And damn near a year since I even hit the driving range.
Forget press secretary, Frank. I want you to run for President. Yes, I realize that you have shown a proclivity for common sense and that mitigates against you, but other than that, you have my vote.