Part 1
Part 2

Condoleezza Rice and Dick Cheney sat around a table in the White House. “While President Bush is gone, what do you want to do?”
Cheney shrugged.
Condi thought for a moment. “Want to declare martial law?”
“Yeah… I guess that’s a way to kill the weekend.”

“The desert is hot,” President Bush complained as he and his group hiked across the dunes.
“Then maybe you should take off that winter jacket,” Laura said.
“But then I’d have to carry it, and that would be just be annoying!”
“We love these red shirts you got us!” Bill the intern exclaimed.
“Yay! Hiking through the desert is fun!” Jill the intern said and did a cartwheel.
“You have your fun,” Bush said to himself, “as it will only make your deaths all the more tragic.”
Laura slapped him on the back of the head. “Stop waiting for the interns to die!”
Buck the Marine took off a boot and emptied sand from it. “You know, this would be a lot easier if you hadn’t given our Humvee to those monkeys.”
“Hey! They were honest looking!” Bush yelled. “I was sure they were going to bring it back! I bet it means were close, though, if they’re using psych-ops to try and stop us. What do you think, Bolton?”
John Bolton stood still and let the wind blow through his powerful mustache. He then pointed to the south. “My ‘stache senses evil in that direction.”
Bush charged forward. “Onward to evil!”
Eventually, they came upon a cave in the side of a mountain. Inside, they soon found a dead terrorist on the ground. Bush knelt down and inspected the body. “He was shot in the head… and, from the bullet trajectory, he must have been shot by someone small – like a monkey!” He looked around some more and found banana peels. He took out a pen and picked one up with it. “The terrorist must have then appeased the monkeys with bananas and went on with the sale. It would seem they’re all gone, but perhaps that’s what they wanted us to think before…” He turned to face Bill and Jill. “…THEY SPRING THEIR TRAP!”
“What trap?” Bill asked.
“This is like C.S.I.! Let’s check the body for gunshot residue! Yay!” Jill exclaimed.
Bush snapped his fingers. “I was so sure they were going to get it now. They really need to die soon so this situation seems more serious.”
“If it helped, I could kill that monkey.” Buck pointed to a fat little monkey that was asleep in the corner.
Bush ran over, grabbed the monkey, and started shaking him. “Tell me where the nuke is, you fat little monkey!”
The monkey screeched and furiously flailed its claws.
“Stop shaking that monkey, George!” Laura yelled.
“Fine.” Bush set the monkey on a nearby table. The monkey then pointed at Bush.
“I think he wants your pen so he can write a message for us,” Laura said.
Bush handed the monkey his pen. The monkey quickly grabbed it and bit it in two.
“That was my lucky pen!” Bush grabbed the monkey again. “I’m going to spank you, you bad monkey! I’m going to spank you good!”
Laura grabbed him. “George! We don’t have time for you to spank the monkey! The terrorists probably have the nuclear bomb.”
Bush let the monkey go. “I guess the monkeys will escape punishment this time, but one day I’ll get them. Time now to focus on the terrorists.”
“But I’m tired of killing Muslims,” Buck said. “That’s like all I kill lately. I want shoot other types of for’ners.”
“I’m really getting tired of your whining!” Bush shouted.
Bolton stood at the caves exit. “My ‘stache senses danger.”
Gun shots sounded in the distance. Bush ran out of the cave. “Quick! We have to get close enough that Bill and Jill can get killed in the crossfire!”

Tony Snow walked before the podium only to see an empty press room. “Where is everyone?”
“The press has all been rounded up into prison without a trial… except for those who were mysteriously strangled by some serial killer,” Condi told him.
Tony sighed and walked off. “Whatever; I still get paid the same.”

Bush pulled out his binoculars. “That terrorist camp seems to be under attack.” He looked around some more. “By the North Koreans! …And they have a dong!” Bush tossed down his binoculars. “Aww… now the nuke is back in the hands of the North Koreans. I guess that’s better than it being in the hands of the terrorists but worse than it being in the hands of monkeys. I have a bad feeling their going to use that dong, so we better stop them. How many guns do each of you have?”
“I only brought bag lunches,” Laura said.
“I need nothing but my ‘stache,” Bolton said.
“We just brought our team spirit! Yay!” Bill and Jill said.
“I had a gun, but then you let that monkey borrow it and…”
“I’m really really tired of your whining, Buck!” Bush shouted. “Fine, no guns. We’ll have to use strategery. Everyone spread out around the camp. We’ll throw rocks and sand at the Koreans until they’re like, ‘Hey! Stop that! Here! Take the nuke!’ Then we’ll take the nuke, and our mission will be a success.”
“That’s a stupid plan,” Laura said.
“Well, a stupid plan is better than no plan.”
“Quite the opposite, actually.”
“I don’t care!” Bush yelled. “It’s a fool proof plan, but, just in case, Bill and Jill should start throwing stuff first. Now everyone spread out!”
The rest of the group went away while Bush tried to find a good sized rock. Suddenly, he heard a growl and was lifted into the air. “Aieeee! Giant pandas!”

Bush was dropped into the center of the camp by the pandas. Before him stood the evil Communist Chinese leader. “So, Mr. Bush, I see you’ve met my panda enforcers: Kill-Kill, Slay-Slay, and Murder-Murder.”
“I don’t like the sound of the name of that last one,” Bush grumbled to himself. He then stood up the face the evil Communist Chinese leader. “You monster! I can’t believe you had your evil pandas rip apart Bill and Jill! They were two young kids who had bright futures ahead of them!”
The evil Communist Chinese leader looked confused. “Rip apart who? You mean the interns? They’re over there.” He pointed to some chairs nearby where Bill and Jill were sitting along with Laura, Buck, and Bolton. Bill and Jill waved back at Bush enthusiastically.
“Dagnabbit!” Bush yelled. “If they don’t die soon, people might start liking them… and then they’ll be reoccurring characters… and then we’ll never be able to kill them off!”
“I have one question for you,” said the evil Communist Chinese leader. “Why are you wearing a winter coat in the desert?”
“And I have one for you! Why don’t you shut up?”
The evil Communist Chinese leader sneered. “Defiant at always, I see. Well, I have a surprise for you, Mr. Bush.”
Kim Jong Il stepped forward. He then bowed his head and uttered, “I’m sowwy. I never should have tested that nukey boom boom.”
“You should be sorry!” Bush said. “Now apologize for your hair!”
“Never!”
“As you can see,” the evil Communist Chinese leader said, “the situation is now under control. You and your friends can head home.”
“Wow! Super!”
“I don’t know, George,” Laura said. “I think the Chinese are just trying to defuse the situation so they can keep North Korea as a wedge in that region.”
Bolton twitched his mustache. “My ‘stache does not detect good intentions.”
“You guys need to calm down,” Bush told them. “You always think the worst of China, but, of all the murderous dictatorships, they sure are the… uh… biggest. Anyway, now the nuke is in the hands of China – who already have plenty of nukes – so everything seems to have worked out. Sure, it didn’t all go to plan – Bill and Jill are still alive – but I think this conclusion is good enough. Also, I want to get out of here and go someplace colder so I won’t feel so hot in this coat.”
“Why don’t you just take it off?” Laura asked.
“We already went over that!”
“Not to whine, but I’m sure disappointed I didn’t get to kill anybody or shout, ‘Ooh-rah,'” Buck said. “Also, what’s going to happen with this big… uh… dong?” He pointed to the giant missile standing up in the middle of the camp.
Bush scratched his head. “I guess we have to get rid of it.”
“No! My dong!” Kim Jong Il screeched. “No one touch my dong but me!” He ran over and wrapped his arms around it. This accidentally set it off, and it flew into the air with Kim Jong Il stuck to it and screaming, “I lost control of my dong!”
Bush laughed. “That’s funny because it sounds like he’s talking about his penis.” He thought for a moment. “Also, I guess a poofy-haired dictator being stuck to an out of control missile is funny in itself, too.”
“Yay!” Bill and Jill exclaimed.
“WHY WON’T YOU DIE!”
THE END