HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Facing a critical shortage of public appreciation for good deeds that they meant to do but never quite found the time for, a group of Hollywood actors is seeking a “spiritual bailout” from Washington that will give them immediate recognition for the goodness of their souls in exchange for a videotaped pledge to get around to performing various commendable acts sometime during the Obama adminstration’s tenure.
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“During the eight years of the oppressive Bush regime,” said actress Demi Moore, “the only people whose virtue got recognized were soldiers, police, firefighters, and other stupid heroes. Maybe those jerks had courage tempered by modesty, but WE have good intentions! Where the hell is OUR adulation?”
“Just because we’ve never done an unselfish thing before in our lives doesn’t mean we won’t do something good eventually,” said actor Ashton Kutcher. “It’s just that we’re a little tapped out on charity, decency, and compassion right now, and we kinda need the moral credit for it up front. We’re definitely good for it. The only way we’d fail to keep our end of the bargain would be if we got too busy smoking crack or getting out of limos without panties on, and what are the chances of something like THAT happening?”
President Obama vowed to make the ethical rescue package a priority for his adminstration.
“These tough times call for bold action,” said Obama. “In order to stimulate America’s flagging feel-good promises market, we must immediately give our brave thespians gratitude and credit for the good deeds that they may very well someday do eventually when it’s a little more convenient and their agents don’t have them booked solid. We need to quit listening to Rush Limbaugh’s pointless lauding of those who put their lives on the line for this country. I won, and I will trump him on that by investing our precious national appreciation in theatrical good intentions.”
Maybe we should set up OUR own petition to silence these idiots. After all it is America, where apparently since Obama is president Freedom of Speech no longer applies!
kooktchner or whatever his name is, has always been cast in doofus parts, apparently because he can’t act.
I hope his whore wife dies a slow and painful death at the hands of the very teroorists they support.
Has anyone compiled a list of these people so I can boycot any effort they make by not watching the films they are in? Oh wait, I haven’t gone to a movie in 4 years. Nevermind.
Harvey, I’d kiss you on the lips, but people would talk.
That is so stingingly perfect, I can’t add a thing. Damn.
Harvey, you are such an exquisitely satirical devil, I pledge to comment every time you write something with big words in it. Really.
This is awesome; I agree with GradualDazzle, except for the kissing part. I can’t go that. At. All.
No offense.
Harvey: Kutcher was pitch perfect
Dude, where’s my bailout?
Yeah, because between the SAGs, the Emmys, the Oscars, the Tonys, the Globes, ad nauseum (all of which I refuse to watch on principle), Hollywoodians don’t get enough self-congratulation and public adulation.
Another 5 for you Harvey, well earned.
#3: Try http://www.boycottliberalism.com/. It’s not mine, it’s just the only thing like it that I know of.
If Al Qaeda had nuked Hollywood instead of crashing planes, they would have done the world a favor. Don’t worry about the shock wave or the radiation spilling out into the rest of the LA area, because the intense vacuum within the heads of eviscerated actors will cause a huge implosion that will contain everything within the filthy bounds of Hollywood.
Awesome, Harvey. When I read stuff like this, it makes me want to share it with everyone I know.
Since Jane Fonda elevated Hollywood’s politics during the Viet Nam war, I’ve become accustomed to being disappointed when good actors reveal their liberal idiocy. I wonder if they ever realize that most people would rather not know their politics?
I miss Vic Morrow.
And Cage…a good man on the BAR…..
Sgt. Saunders wouldn’t have put up with this crap. The LT. might have…but NOT Vic!
So buying an election and using fradulent means with acorn illegally casting votes in 11 states is a trump card?
Limbaugh rules, hssein drools. Trump this *gesture*
One thing you could do about these actors is download their films from someplace like Pirate Bay, review the film and upload the result to all the movie sites.
I wish these actors would just SHUT UP. I wish I could call demi moore and say, “No wonder Bruce left you, you liberal loony!” Now that Tom Hanks has chimed in with his idiotic liberal tripe I can’t even watch his movies. *sigh* Morons.
OTOH, way to go, Harvey! 5 stars, definately.
Oh yes, let’s all listen to Demi MOOre and her boy toy. Nothing says personal integrity more than leaving you spouse to take up with a never-been, poor excuse for an actor, who’s half your age. The fact that she left a man for a boy speaks volumes about her intelligence and judgement.
“repressive Bush regime”-wow, I guess she’s living in a tent or still in the interment camp to which Mr. Bush sent all Hollywood liberals .
I wouldn’t be one of this morons children for all the chocolate in the world, and for me that should be the most tempting deal. Somebody put her in a burka and send her to the kitchen.
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i don’t watch their movies or pay attention to their prattle.jane fonda was a traitor when i served in viet nam she is still a traitor.