It would be so awesome to make one of these. The best way I’ve come up with for accelerating monkeys is to fire them out of a large cannon. It’s really hard to get a high-speed collision, though, because the firing of them is so inaccurate; they’re not like their bullets spun by rifling which tend to follow the same path. You just have to keep firing monkeys in the air at the same time and hope two slam into each other, but it’s easy to lose track of the monkeys that way. Then you have monkeys running around everywhere and it’s a big mess, but if you can actually get two monkeys to slam into each other and catch it on a high-speed camera it all seems worth it.
What’s been your experience at getting monkeys to slam into each other?
Where can I get a monkey? If I can get a couple I’d make 2 giant slingshots and shoot them at each other that way.
I dressed two monkeys up as little boys, michael jackson and bwarney fwank chased them. The colliding sound was ear piercing. Now if the monkeys had collided, the mystery would have been solved.
If the zoo won’t let me back in after the giraffe incident, there’s no way they’ll let me collide a bunch of monkeys.
While I have never slammed a monkey … I spanked one once…. Am I going to hell?
Spoiler Alert: The link to the other website says “monkey” collider but clearly the picture shows a bunch of APES! If you’re talking about building a super ape collider, I have an unlimited supply. I call them “neighbors” and it would only take a six pack of Bud to lure them into a cannon.
Capture two monkeys, grab a monkey with each hand, and slam the monkeys into each other.
“Stop hitting yourselves! Stop hitting yourselves! Stupid monkeys!”
The fun never ends.
Play old-school punk rock around them
TerribleTroy – Once? riiiiiiiiiight.
I just get between them with a banana tied to a stick. Stupid monkeys.
I haven’t had much luck. Even with a smoothbore cannon barrel, the monkeys get really disfigured when I use the ramrod on them. Hard to tell what is collision damage and what is loading damage. I guess I need a breechloading cannon. Yes, there may be some vague innuendo in what I just said, but think of the kiddies before going there. Actually don’t think of the kiddies, that’s even worse.
Since most hippies are sufficiently evolved to count as primates, we should test to see whether they can be used as a viable monkey analog. Hippies are more abundant (at least around here in Oregon) and generally larger, which would dramatically improve the likelihood of a collision. And even on high-speed they are hard to differentiate from ordinary monkeys.
A superconducting monkey collider
or,
A superconducting monkey super collider ?
It depend if you want to achieve MEV or better, GEV, and the infamous Higgs banana for a brief moment.
While I don’t have monkeys, I do have little boys (which as everyone knows are very similar to monkeys in that they grunt a lot and fling their poo). I don’t seem to have any trouble at all getting them to collide with each other. In fact I spend a good portion of each day trying to keep them from colliding with each other hard enough to do damage. PETA gets really upset if you let your boys damage each other.
“Monkey collider” : (n.) 1. The informal DOT nickname for crash test apparatus pre-crash test dummy.
How bout we make a hippie collider. Maybe we could make a marxist collider, a liberal collider, a socialist collider, an enviromentalist collider, a pinko commie collider. the possibilities are endless.
I think the random monkey flight problem could be solved with monkey shotguns which would put far more monkeys into the air per shot, thereby increasing the likelyhood of a solid monkey monkey collision. Of course proper choke selection is imperative for success, you want a relatively tight pattern.
I hope you guys are using compressed air cannons, black powder would cause too much damage before they even collide and at that point you might as well be using ground beef.
If you replace monkeys with liberals I’m sold.
Damn that powerful monkey rights lobby! Damn them all to hell!
I suppose next they’ll get the Monkey Breeding Facility, in Puerto Rico, shut down.
It’s simple. All it takes is two Mexi-cannons, aimed at each other, and a couple dozen monkeys.
I’m with Corona; we should definitely repeat the experiment with liberals. In fact, to complete a proper particle interaction chart, it should be tested with multiple combinations of monkeys, hippies, hobos, and liberals.
Yeah … You need to use a banana … Place a banana in the monkey colliider zone. Spin the monkeys in the monkey centrifuge then release the monkeys. Pull the Banana out of the monkey collider zone just as the monkeys enter the monkey collider zone going after the banana. BOOM! Monkey Collider!
Ha!
Reminds me of a true story about bird colliders.
To test the bird -proof windshields of airplanes, NASA engineers built bird cannon that would
fire a chicken carcass to test the strength and safety of their design.
A British design team borrowed the bird cannon to test a new high speed locomotive, but the first time they fired it, to their horror, the chicken shot through the windscreen, broke the engineer’s headrest off the seat and embedded itself in the bulkhead behind the seat.
The manufacturer sent off the information to NASA,
who after analyzing the data sent back the reply,
“Thaw the chicken.”
Now , if you freeze the monkeys, are they superconductive?
It’s better to use dolphins like “flipper”. They are kinda round and long and their nice leathery skin catches the rifling so they spin when coming out of the cannon. Now when we get the LASER cannon, we can shoot them into each other fast enough to get a nuklear explosun!
#13 – IH8Socialist,
That sounds like a job for the Department of Redundancy Department.
What’s the big deal about monkeys slamming into each other? At Yearly Kos they call that Saturday.
You have to use monkeys from Oz. The others aren’t aerodynamic.
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I like the slingshot idea, but put the monkeys on skateboards and put the skateboards on railings. That way, if the monkeys don’t collide at least they’ll rack their nads.
“Reminds me of a true story about bird colliders.”
Also known as the Linear Chicken Accelerator, or LCA. Very useful in many areas of high-energy physics. Substitute ducks and you can even establish an energy threshold for the production of quacks.