A new poll shows that nearly 80% of the country has little faith in the federal government, and nearly half says the government negatively affects their lives.

Why would this be? I can give you one answer: the head of federal government is black.

It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Right now the federals government is doing everything it can to help the economy and is about to give everyone free health care, thus logically everyone should love the government right now. Except, the president it black, so people are turning against it.

But a little over a year ago, the country elected a black president, so it wasn’t racist then. So what’s changed? Again, the change is that Barack Obama is president.

Conclusion: Barack Obama is spreading racist hate!

STOP SPREADING RACIST HATE BARACK OBAMA!!!!

So, apparently President Obama has no plan to deal with Iran if it succeeds in getting nuclear weapons. I guess that leaves it to me to come up with one.

FRANK J.’S PLAN FOR A NUCLEAR IRAN

So if Iran gets nuclear weapons, first thing we do is congratulate them.

Yeah, they won’t expect them.

We’ll be like, “Good going, Iran; you’re now a nuclear power. That puts you in a very exclusive club, and guess what that comes with? A secret decoder ring!”

And Ahmadinejad will be like, “Gimme gimme gimme!”

So we’ll give him the decoder ring and leave him be. The next day, he gets sent a secret message THAT ONLY NUCLEAR POWERS CAN DECODE! He’ll be so excited and grab his decoder ring to figure it out… except the ring is more complicated than he thought, and he has to put all his top scientists on the job and it takes them hours. Finally, he’ll decode the message and be like, “I don’t want to buy Ovaltine. Anywho, time to nuke the joos!”

So Ahmadinejad will hit the button to launch his nuclear missile, but it will just fall over and out of the warhead will come angry badgers who start biting everyone they can see as badgers don’t like being crammed into a warhead. See, while they were all distracted decoding their message, we snuck in and replaced their warhead. They won’t know that, though, and will probably just blame things on angering the Muslim god Ganesh or something.

Nuclear problem solved! Someone give me a million dollars.

Bill Clinton is talking again; probably not a good idea. He’s just trying to subtly warn people if they don’t quietly accept the Democrats’ agenda, then they’ll cause an Oklahoma bombing type incident.

If Bill Clinton cares about his legacy, he really should just lie low. The best he can hope for is that he’ll get a short section in the history books and people will just say, “I guess the economy did well while he was president,” and don’t look any closer. But while Clinton was trying to tie Republicans to domestic terrorism for political gain, he did nothing during his eight years about the real threat out there and left that for another administration to deal with. Seeing how the economic boom of the 90’s was pretty fleeting too, the only thing Bill Clinton was good for was helping his own short term political gain. Even his own party was in shambles when he left office.

You can say a lot of bad things about Barack Obama, but in pure sliminess I don’t think he’ll ever beat Bill Clinton. It’s easy to forget that, though, so if Clinton just wises up and be quiet, he can get his little footnote in the history books without all the negative commentary. Oh, and his impeachment asterisks.