Dale Peterson quite surprising did not win in his election for Alabama Agricultural Commissioner — quite surprising since he had perhaps the greatest campaign ad ever — but he’s endorsing someone in the runoff and this time his gun is not just for show:
We need more people firing guns in political ads. Some may think that’s violent and threatening, but I don’t give a rip.
And do you think that could be a slogan for 2012? “Time to send Obama back to his chicken farm.”
Would be refreshing if BP said something honest like, “We’re glad we spilled oil in your gulf. It’s not near Britain, so we don’t care.”
Know why Sarah Palin doesn’t stand a chance to be president? Glasses. Name the last president who wore glasses. “Yeah, like we’re going to elect you to be president, four-eyes! Why don’t you go study some math books!”
Similarly, Palin would be unelectable if she had lots of facial hair.
The reason Obama took so long to meet with the BP CEO is because the CEO doesn’t play golf.
Once we get all the oil out of the ocean, are we finally going to work on getting the salt out of it too?
14% were more likely to vote for Etheridge after hearing about the assault incident. So, 14% want politicians beating up high school kids? Eh, guess it doesn’t sound so crazy when you say it out loud.
Congrats to Barton for giving Dems the distraction they were so desperately looking for.
Really, what Barton did was criminal stupidity. I’d rather he beat up high school kids for asking him a question.
Now let’s forget about Barton and build some windmills to stop this oil leak.
You can’t throw a puppy in Germany without hitting a biker gang.
Re Barton and Rand Paul: There is no greater crime for a politician than being politically tone deaf. It’s unforgivable. What would you do with a basketball player if he kept accidentally passing to the other team?
For a politician, being politically tone deaf about an issue is worse than being wrong on an issue.
Sometimes I can’t stand how awesome I am. Literally can’t stand it. I have a mental breakdown.
If Bush had sat around uselessly for two month during an oil leak like this, we’d have so many awesome Bush jokes right now.
I can’t stop thinking about that story I posted yesterday about the guy in Germany who mooned the Hell’s Angels, threw a puppy at them, and escaped on a bulldozer. The explanation that’s given is the guy stopped taking depression medication, but how do you get from “I’m feeling blue” to “I’m going to throw a puppy at a biker gang”? Is that mental illness or mental awesomeness?
The escape on the bulldozer part is less of a mystery. If you take it for granted you just mooned the Hell’s Angels and threw a puppy at them and there just happens to be a bulldozer waiting outside, what else are you going to do?
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE VUVUZELA
* The vuvuzela was made in a collaboration of Hitler and Satan. They have sense profusely apologized.
* The vuvuzela was created in South Africa after apartheid ended and the country needed something just as awful to take its place.
* The vuvuzela is the only noisemaker known to cause deaf people watching a sport at home to hit the mute button.
* The vuvuzela really took off in 2001 when Masincedane Sport started mass marketing a plastic version of it, an act that was called “unconscionable” by people who sell tainted crack to schoolchildren.
* The object of vuvuzela blowing during a soccer match is to blow it continuously throughout the game without stopping to express your complete hatred for the world and all living things.
* The sound of the vuvuzela has been described as “a stampede of noisy elephants”, “a deafening swarm of locusts”, “a goat on the way to slaughter”, and “complete contempt for both God and man”.
* If surrounded by people blowing the vuvuzela, you’d think the smart thing to do would be to jab out your eardrums with a pen, but the horrible sound would still be stuck in your brain. Yes, the only escape is sweet, sweet death.
* The sound of the vuvuzela can be mistaken for a mating call by giant mutant bees.
* The vuvuzela causes both hearing loss and the desire for hearing loss.
* Many believe the vuvuzela to be the worst object in existence, even worse than clamshell packaging. In fact, if vuvuzela came in clamshell packaging, thus making it nigh impossible for a purchaser to get one out and blow into it, clamshell packaging would singlehandedly redeem itself.
* In a fight between a vuvuzela and Aquaman, Aquaman would accidentally swim to crush depths and die to escape the annoying sound.
* The only way to stop a vuvuzela is to stop people from blowing in it, and the only way to stop people from blowing in it is to make sure there is no air. Thus the vuvuzela has inspired a campaign to destroy all plant life.
* In response to the outcry, people have said that the vuvuzela is part of South African culture… as apparently so is sociopathy.
So BP has assured us they care about “small people”. And who can’t be assured by a German-sounding guy talking about how small you are?
“You are all small people to us who are easily crushed or covered in oil and forgotten, but we will not do this to you despite how tiny and insignificant you are because of our caring and such.”
That’s still a better response than that of Obama, whose answer to oil gushing out into the ocean is that we need to build windmills.
So if you’re wondering when the leak will stop, be prepared to tell stories to your grandchildren about how parts of the ocean used to not be black and flammable.
Sounds like the only way Obama’s speech last night could have been worse is if vuvuzelas were blaring the whole time.
My favorite number is 12648430.
If this were a movie, this would be the point Obama would start to turn things around to become the greatest president ever.
We got the dog an anti-bark collar, and now she gets our attention by blowing into a vuvuzela.
I know it’s a little early in the decade to declare that, but I just don’t know how this can be topped:
A German student “mooned” a group of Hell’s Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police have said.
I’m a pretty creative guy, but I can’t even imagine how to top that.
Also, I like this line from the story:
“What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell’s Angels is currently unclear,” a police spokesman said.
I’m guessing we’ll never have a good answer to that; it will be like Lost.
The puppy is reportedly okay, BTW. Better thrown at the Hell’s Angels than wind up in the hands of a blogger.
If I could defend President Obama for one moment, I hate the idea that after a disaster the president is supposed to fly over there and look all concerned and stuff. That keeps coming up with Obama the same as with Bush and it is asinine. Here’s what I’d say to that if I were president:
“I know you all want me to go to the disaster and look all concerned, but that’s idiotic. I’m the President of the United States — I have this whole country to take care of. Having me go someplace and stack sandbags or what not is idiotic and makes me want to punch you people for suggesting. In fact, after this press conference, I will punch a few of you though I won’t announce who ahead of time. Still, if it’s that important to you dimwits to believe I care, here’s my concerned face. Take a picture. Then photoshop me in whatever situation it would help you feel better to see me standing around all useless and concerned looking. Now I need to find and kill some foreigners I can blame for this mess.”
Now there are rumors that Al Gore was having an affair. If so, maybe he’s better with the ladies than you’d except. In fact, here are some of his well known pickup lines:
TOP TEN AL GORE PICKUP LINES
10. “I created the internet, and now I’m going to create making love to you.”
9. “We’ll make sweet love until the compact fluorescent light bulb burns out… which is a long long time because they’re very efficient.”
8. “The science is settled: I’m dead sexy.”
7. “It would reduce your carbon footprint if you shared a room with me tonight.”
6. “If you just watch this slideshow presentation, I think it makes it pretty clear and indisputable that we should totally do it.”
5. “Lucky for you my lovemaking is a renewable resource.”
4. “It’s not only my personality and mannerisms that are stiff.”
3. “Carefully study your love making option, because I don’t want you to accidentally have sex with Pat Buchanan.”
2. “The rumors are true: I am a robot — The Sex Machine.”
And the number one Al Gore pickup line…
I didn’t watch Obama’s speech. I don’t get paid to blog, and why am I going to subject myself to an Obama speech unless there is a big fat check in it for me? Plus, I couldn’t imagine him saying anything interesting. But gathering from how Obama got Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews to rail on him like a couple of FOX News commentators, apparently I missed the pinnacle of him sucking.
Here’s what I gathered was the crux of the speech:
“BP is bad. I got people with Nobel Prizes working with me. We need renewable energy.”
It’s two month later, and that’s all he has? Oil is still gushing out into the ocean, and he can’t even pretend to have a clue what to do? You know the old saying, “Better to be silent and appear to have no idea what to do with an oil spill than to give a national speech and remove all doubt.” It’s like the guy hasn’t even cracked open his U.S. Presidency for Dummies book and still after all this time doesn’t even know how to fake being a leader. If you’re once again going to take over prime time, have something interesting to say.
“I am hear tonight to announce I will… NUKE THE OIL SPILL!!!! I am the president, and all who oppose me will be destroyed… including oil leaks! Muh ha ha ha ha!”
If he didn’t have something like that to say, why give the speech except to clarify how completely useless he is in this situation?
It would be cool if we changed the past tense of speak to “spock”.
What’s this? Al Gore is claiming an affair with Nikki Haley?
If you actually learned to enjoy the game of soccer, you’d miss out on the much greater thrill of making fun of soccer.
Obama is threatening to pour more oil into the ocean unless we use clean energy!
Is there actually an alternative to oil yet or are we being asked to invest in magic beans?
You can tell if Etheridge has gone senile if he starts violently shouting, “WHO ARE YOU?!!” at a mirror.
Have scientists figured out if pterodactyls existed today, whether we’d be able to put saddles on them and ride them through the air?
So dark matter might just be a equation error – exactly as any layman would have guessed? Bad day for Science! PR if true.
Good evening. As we speak, our nation faces a multitude of challenges. At home, our top priority is to recover and rebuild from a recession that has touched the lives of nearly every American. Abroad, our brave men and women in uniform are taking the fight to al Qaeda wherever it exists. And tonight, I’ve returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast to speak with you about the battle we’re waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.
This oil spill is particularly troublesome to me, because I intend to lead the assault on America. I will not tolerate any actions by any company or any nation assaulting American citizens. That’s what I do.
After the spill began, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation’s Secretary of Energy. And you know how smart and wonderful Nobel Prize winners are. Like Jimmy Carter. Yasser Arafat. Al Gore. Mikhail Gorbachev. Me. Really really smart people. Smartily smart. So, this Chu must be awesomely smart, even though his Nobel Prize was for physics, which is sort of like math or something. Anyway, scientists at our national labs and experts from academia and other oil companies have also provided ideas and advice.
Now, it’ll take a while for this group to come up with a plan, particularly since none of them know anything about oil wells a mile deep under water. So, to give them the time I need, I’ve drafted a letter to the oil spill itself, asking it to stop leaking long enough for our committee to come up with a plan. At least, a plan that doesn’t involve forming more committees. Although that does sound like a good plan in and of itself.
We have yet to hear a response from the oil leak regarding our request for a meeting to discuss its temporary halt of the spill. But, I stand firm in my belief that open and honest discussions are the way to solve all the problems of the world, and this oil spill is not an exception.
But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we’ve got for as long as it takes. We will make BP pay for the damage their company has caused. Even though they won’t really pay; fuel prices will go up, and you’ll pay. But I’ll get credit for making BP pay, and that’s what’s really important.
But you know what else is important? Regulation. We’ve regulated drilling on land and in shallow water so much that deep-water drilling actually seemed like a good idea to the oil companies. So now, we’re going to regulate the hell out of that, too.
Last year, the House of Representatives acted on these principles by passing a strong and comprehensive energy and climate bill — a bill that finally makes clean energy the profitable kind of energy for America’s businesses. If it exists.
Now, there are costs associated with this transition. And there are some who believe that we can’t afford those costs right now. I say we can’t not afford it.
You know what we need? More taxes. If we can raise your taxes enough, you won’t have any money to spend on gas for your cars or heating oil in the winter. That will reduce demand, which will decrease our dependence on foreign oil. Then I won’t have to jet around the world bowing to all those Arabs.
And you thought I didn’t have a plan.
So, to summarize, we’re going to take a sh*t-load of money from BP, causing your fuel prices to go up. Then we’re going to let a bunch of egg-heads sit around and debate while oil continues to leak. Then, we’re going to implement more regulation that will stop any other drilling, causing the loss of many more jobs. And, finally, we’re going to tax the hell out of you.
The oil spill is not the last crisis America will face. After all, my term doesn’t end until 2013. But, with God’s help, we’ll get through this trying time.
This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From Kris:
From Kris:
From Kris:
[reference link]
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Basil of Basil’s Blog and IMAO:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Chuck:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Hart of That Hero:
From me (Harvey):
From Kris:
From Maxwell:
From Melissa:
From Travelwise42:
From Velvet Elvis:
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Harvey is reposting our podcasts (can you believe that was done more than five years ago?). Definitely check it out if you’ve never heard it before… and even if you have because it’s been like five years and I don’t even remember any of it. They were pretty funny… just also a lot of work.
Now I have the Chairman Mao song stuck in my head…
