So there’s like that soccer championship going on again. It’s pretty much like the most important thing ever to most of the world. So what does that mean to us? That means if by some chance the Americans win it, we need to at least act like we care about it and know what it is. Because if we win the World Cup and the whole world is devastated by the American win of the most valuable prize ever and we’re all still like, “What’s a World Cup?”, that could ruin our relations with everyone. So here’s an FAQ so if we win it we can all act like we care and know what it is so the world won’t get too angry at us.
WORLD CUP FAQ
Q. When is the World Cup?
A. According to the buzz on Twitter, it’s like sometime around now.
Q. How long does it last?
A. I think like a week or something.
Q. How many games are there?
A. I dunno. I’m going to go with… eight.
Q. What country is it in?
A. South something, I think. South Mongolia?
Q. What channel will it be on?
A. ESPN7
Q. Is it true the rest of the world calls soccer “football”?
A. I’m pretty sure that’s an urban legend.
Q. Is the World Cup anything like a World Championship in our sports?
A. No, because instead of it being played among the greatest athletes in the world — other Americans — it’s played against other countries so it’s much easier.
Q. Why is it so popular when it’s so boring and stupid?
A. I dunno. Why is socialism popular in other countries? Because they’re weird and foreign and not smart.
Q. What’s with all the violence with soccer fans?
A. If soccer was the only thing your country had going for it, wouldn’t you be angry and violent?
Q. How long has the World Cup been around?
A. At least since the 80s.
Q. Are there any famous soccer players I should know about?
A. There is this guy called like “Pegleg” or something.
Q. Is Obama a soccer fan?
A. Come on. Let’s stop taking cheap shots at President Obama.
Q. So do we get like an actual cup if we win, like one we could put beer or soda in?
A. I’d hope so, or the whole thing really is completely asinine.
Q. Is there a cash prize for winning?
A. I think you get $20 American, which is like a lot of money everywhere else in the world.
Q. Why are you doing an FAQ on the World Cup when you don’t seem to know anything about it?
A. Hey, I don’t tell you how to run your blog.
So bigoted and misinformed.
I love this blog!
I agree that we should stop with the cheap shots at Obama. I think I know how we can make up for it. Since he’s a “citizen of the world” and all, I dug up a book that helped me translate his name into French.
Apparently, Obama translates to Dumass which I think is pronounced something like do maas.
To show the proper respect for him I’m going to start refering to him as President Dumass.
I’ve always wondered why it wasn’t spelled “socker.”
The world cup soccor balls are balc and white. The palyers are kciking a ball with black on it. Racists !!!
World Cup is what NFL players wear for protection.
Me thinks Avaiel lacks a sense of himur and has a sense of self importance. Must be from Europe.
I detect an outsider on this blog.
Since most of their people have lost a limb or two to ethnic violence, they are foreigners and naturally stupid, a sport where you can keep score on one hand like soccer works well for the not as good as us countries.
Soccer is somewhat like Curling except that it’s played in places that don’t have ice and it’s not as exciting.
Sorry, soccer fans – but Americans would rather watch men’s sports.
Being a germaphobe, I won’t share a cup with the wife, much less the world.
Since when is soccer a sport? It was invented to give european retards something to do while their parents ate cake and sipped tea.
If you are good at soccer they stick you with a spice girl. Thats why real men like football or baseball.
I fell asleep during the soccer game. Did they quit playing until I got up?
Isn’t soccer the game played only by middle school boys who can’t make the team for anything else? And you mean to say that they get together every year in South Mongolia to play?
The best thing about the World Cup is that it’s one of the few things on Earth with the word “World” affixed to it….that American taxpayers aren’t having to pick up the tab for.
I hate to tell you how to run your blog (well, actually, that’s not totally true) but…
Shouldn’t this be a “Know your enemy” instead of a FAQ?
Soccer does for sport what my typing does to spelling.
Got to wonder what a bunch of grown men see in watching young guys run around in a field playing glorified kickball. hmmm
I’m glad that when we play sports here, we are intelligent enough to acknowledge that we do, in fact, have hands.
Soccer does seem to have that “nude roman wrestling” or “all-male hotpants sprints” vibe to it.
Creepy.
20,000,000 fans, 1 cup.
I played soccer in high school in 1976 and had no clue what I was doing. Now tha t my girls have played for a few years in rec. club, and high school, I enjoy the sport and can watch a
gamematch withoutslashing my wristsnodding off.However, most fans of English ‘footie’ pine for the day when Americans love all things european, like
Soccer futbolfootball, $8.00/ gallon petrol, nationalised everything , and a 60+% tax rate. Screw ’em.=I hope we beat England”s tiny lions again , we have a World Cup winning streAk against them that is 60 years long!
Today, I watched the first half of a World Cup game between the French and some South American country. We did not make fun of them for being pansies, although they deserve it for all of the diving. Rather, we yelled “Do something!” Amazingly, though, it’s better than baseball. Even if they are just kicking a ball around for most of the game, at least they don’t spit gum everywhere. How repulsive.
I miss real football.
Hmmph!! Ferrinurs! Unleash Buck the Marine!
I think the “cup” that is referenced is for genital protection.
Soccer? I hardly even know her.
We are watching on ESPN in MX and there is a background noise that sounds like locust. What is it??
It stops when the crowd shouts.
Thanks, Frank. We can always count on you to keep us informed.
Some reasons why red-blooded Americans do not and will never care about the World Cup:
The world cup has a mascot. Not a person in an animal suit ringing a cowbell and shaking his booty to keep the crowd entertained, a little green and yellow leopard holding a soccer ball. “Zakumi’s Game is Fair Play”. zzzzzzzzzzzzz
The world cup has an official song. I haven’t heard it and I don’t intend to.
The specially designed official ball has a name. It is “Jabulani, which means “bringing joy to everyone” in isiZulu”. ‘nuf said.
The wikipedia entry has a separate section entitled “controversies”. The thing hasn’t started yet and already half the world’s drawers are in a wad about “fairness”. Sheesh. I’m goin’ fishin’.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_FIFA_World_Cup
It looks like this world cup thingie is getting kinda popular in other parts of the world. Maybe the USA should think about putting a team together. Although I don’t see how it is much different than that pretend sport soccer.
I thought it had died out with the metric system.
Maybe the appeal is like that of hockey, where people really come to watch the fights, only with soccer the fights are in the stands.
I was in Mexico City Friday. They sure seemed fired up about something. Quick question; has anyone else had trouble reading IMAO in Mexico. I think they have you banned Frank. I tried several times ( I’m a daily lurker) and I was just wondering if the reason might have something to do with this article