South Dakota has proposed a law to require everyone to buy a gun. They’re doing it to show how silly Obamacare is, but maybe the Supreme Court will be like, “The Constitution doesn’t mean stuff,” and then the federal government can force us to buy anything. In that case, our only defense is to pass laws to force people to buy stuff that will make them better Americans. Here’s some of my ideas.
THINGS TO REQUIRE PEOPLE TO BUY TO MAKE THEM BETTER AMERICANS
* Guns.
* A big American flag
* Friedrich Hayek’s Road to Serfdom
* Bacon
* The movie Die Hard
* A cowboy hat
* A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle
* Incandescent light bulbs
* RiffTrax
* A Bible
* A large dog — no sissy breeds
* A katana
What would you force people to buy?
A Machette for “up close” work
An Axe
Throwing Knives
Samurai Sword
Flame Thrower
Bazooka
M-1 Abrams Tank
Brass Knuckles
Nut Cup
Body Armor
A farm.
A copy of Monkey Island to go along with the rubber chicken. 🙂
Brick houses.
Stuff with Clemson tiger paws on it.
On second thought, no Clemson stuff. It would make mine more expensive and make it harder to identify the enemies of all things good and holy on earth. Like gamecocks.
IMAO Nuke The Moon t-shirts. Oh, wait, those are all sold out.
* The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance on DVD.
* Marine! The life of Chesty Puller by Burke Davis.
* Chesty by Jon Hoffman.
* A book of quotes from Jeff Cooper. “The rifle itself has no moral stature, since it has no will of its own. Naturally, it may be used by evil men for evil purposes, but there are more good men than evil, and while the latter cannot be persuaded to the path of righteousness by propaganda, they can certainly be corrected by good men with rifles.”
* John Adams by McCullough.
* This Kind of War by T.R. Fehrenbach.
Bottle rockets
hair extensions
wang extensions
breath mints
dim red headlights while I buy super bright -violet-strobe style- headlights
zombie apocalypse gear like full tang Columbian machette for 19$
http://budk.com/Knives/United-Edge-Colombian-Sawback-Machete
I just cant get my brain to think of what I want to make other people think or do. I would make a terrible worshiper of statism.
A sense of humor.
A dictionary.
Beef.
Some vehicle with an internal combustion engine.
Cheesecake.
That last one is for me. I’d make them buy it…but it would actually be for me.
Fruit Snacks. They make my 3 year old a much happier person. Maybe if everyone had fruit snacks, they’d stop being so cranky.
By the way, my baby boy and Buttercup are about the same age. And he loves his Bumbo too.
Steak lots and lots of Steak…
And more steak!
Stock in companies researching dinosaurs with lasers, or robots with lasers, or dinosaurs with rocket launchers.
Duct tape
Great list Frank! I would add:
Four-wheel drive trucks (gas or diesel only)
Chain saws
More bacon
More rifles
Gold
Silver
C4
Ammo
I’m like Shiggz and couldnt really think of what I want other people to buy, so I just listed what I buy a lot of.
…A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle…of the chicken? What would…? How does…? Why do….? What?
I don’t care what they buy, as long as they’re buying it from me. I will charge 20 times what the actual value is, then give 5 percent discounts to people with waivers. I will say I’m doing this to “bend the cost curve down.”
I own ALL of those things already! Do I get a special prize? Maybe 72 virgins in THIS life. 😉 I’d tear ’em up.
Right on Marko with John Adams.
How about Obama Socialist posters; Anything by George Will; A Nancy Pelosi bobble head so we can laugh at her more.
I just took your shopping list to Amazon. I could not locate the required rubber chicken. Does anyone have a link?
A full-size pickup truck – bonus for 4WD and <15 MPG
A Harley-Davidson – bonus for a big bike
Cool sunglasses
Some camouflage clothing
Beef Jerkey
Cornbread
Starting a 6 months, all boys must get a GI Joe
A set of tools
DVD of the movie Big Jake
Lifetime membership to the NRA
Fencing supplies for everybody in California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. And, all the states on the northern border too. Heavy emphasis on concertina wire and claymore mines.
Three Stooges memorabilia
Subscription to the magazine “Hippies We’ve Set On Fire”
A copy of the frikkin’ constitution
That big six pound cheesburger I saw on Man vs. Food. All San Francisico residents would be required to eat it and finish in less than 45 minutes.
Flame Thrower
Bazooka
Throwing Knives
M1 Abrams Tank
Brass Knuckles
Nut Cups
Body Armor
Machette – And the Movie Too
I just took your shopping list to Amazon. I could not locate the required rubber chicken. Does anyone have a link?
Go to http://www.sciplus.com and type 88809 into the search box. The site has not only rubber chickens, but all sorts of amusing (and sometimes useful stuff); unfortunately, they don’t have the floaty pens with the pictures of the women whose swimsuits come off when you turn the pen upside down. I want one of those.
A vowel. Then they can try to solve the puzzle phrase: “C_ngr_ss sh_ll m_k_ n_ l_w”
I would force them to buy me stuff. Buy me some Winchester 308 and .45 ACP ammo, an M-1A (the semi-auto version of the M-14), oh, heck, better yet, just gimme the money and I’ll buy it for myself.
Tuna
Baitcaster reel and a bass boat.
Fender Stratocaster and a Marshall amp.
Marlboros
Longneck Bud
Rose colored glasses
a clue
Corn derived products in order to beef up the corn industry, while cutting down on the supply of food to the third world. No wait, we’re already doing that.
Boston’s first album…who doesn’t turn up Boston when it comes on the radio?
Red Dawn and The Fountainhead on DVD
If they buy a cat it must be big enough to take out those small wussy dogs.
At least 15 knives (not kitchen knives)
All boys age 10 and up must join the BSA
War Bonds
Burt: Did you try here? http://www.mcphee.com/shop/
Firefly on Blu-ray
Coal
High octane gas
Styrofoam cups, plates. and bowls
Non-bio-degradable plastics
Recycling credits
Paper
A truck. A big truck, F150 or bigger. This will clear the roads of pretend vehicles like the Chevy Volt and hybrids.
“rubber chicken and a pulley”
I thought sex talk was nixed here?
At least one SUV. Two would be better.
My nudes
Jewelry for me
Foam fingers
Prank peanut cans full of those things that fly at you when you open them
Wham! CDs
Crimpers
Arcade-style pinball machines
One of those 6th day Re-Pets
The complete series of the A-Team on DVD
Red dye #2
Freon not R12
Lead paint
Lawn darts
Tater Tots! (Because Obama – not Michelle, but the Kibitzer in Chief – chastised school boards for serving “Tater Tots and pizza” to schoolchildren for lunch. Join the Tater Tots buy-cott and save Ore-Ida!) (Thanks to Iowahawk for bringing this issue of consuming importance to our attention.)
A workbench, full socket set, bench vice, power tools, and a grinder.
At least four pieces of equipment with a five horse gasoline motor. Exemption for chainsaws.
A punching bag and gloves.
A knife for cleaning game.
A gun safe and something worth putting in it.
At least one iconic item from some non-wimp ancestor from WWII. A good hat, military uniform, photo, etc, placed in a location where it can’t be ignored.
Other iconography from the age of exploration, especially navigation instruments – it’s not just the guts, it’s the mind, that gets you new places.
At least that’s what’s at my house. I want to paint the old bench vice from the farm where I grew up before mounting it to the new Craftsman hardwood bench, but it’s going there because my father, brothers, and I spent decade after decade fixing pieces of our little world in that vice, and it’s a way to basically say, “We are not done yet.”
@Bratgirl watchya gonna do with many million cheesecake?
Weekly tickets for the progressive cage deathmatch
How about brussels sprouts, broccoli and spinach. Then we can give waivers to our friends, so they don’t have to eat them.
Or bacon, maybe. The way you can prove you’re a good American is to eat a pound of bacon a week. That ought to weed a few out.
new Jonestown brand powdered drink mix.
all herds need culling periodically, and war doesn’t do it right: it kills the best and brightest.
Furniture. You should be required to own furniture before you are allowed to own a flat screen TV or a gaming system.
the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The American Flag
Horse and saddle
Farm
Barn
House
FENCES ! LOTS OF FENCES !
cattle chicken and dogs
buy a view of the sunset
buy all the seedy corrupt politicians and put them where it don’t shine
The entire series of “Free to Choose” by Milton Friedman….and a tank.
38. EdthePastor says: Lawn darts
Outlawing Jarts was the beginning of the end of personal responsibility,
you nailed that one in the head, um, figurativly , that is.
-add “Riders In The Sky” CD’s to the required list.
A daily dose of “Texas Plains” or “Back in The Saddle” would make for a fine country of happy citizens.
Tickets to at least one NASCAR race or monster truck show per year
@RAML: I’ll share the good stuff with my friends and make the libs eat all the New York style stuff.
Ok, I didn’t think it through that far. You caught me. 😛
Health insurance. I’d force everyone buy health insurance, and if they refused I’d make um pay a big fine. Then I’d hire thousands of new IRS agents to make sure everyone complied with my wishes…except people who belong to unions, they’d be exempt. It’s the American way.
a 40 pound steel ball permanently chained around the ankle with the word “freedom” engraved on it. Take it home today. no payments for 90 days.
Every word ever uttered by Fred Thompson, Chuck Norris, and Clint Eastwood on mp3
The Snuggie
Sham-WOW!
Oxy-Clean
Head ON
Pro Balance Bracelet
Extenzze
men: a pair of gonads.
women: a backbone.
end.
Jonah Goldberg’s book, Liberal Fascism
A subscription to National Review
DARK CHOCOLATE!!!!
Feral cats.
A Sig in 40 S&W. Lots and lots of ammo. Bacon. “This is Spinal Tap.” “The Outlaw Josey Wales.” Constitution & Declaration of Independence. Scotch, really good beer, RED wine–chewier the better.
Well I know I’m late but I would make everyone buy the ROCKY boxed set. I really don’t trust anyone who hasn’t seen (and loved) those movies.
* A map. So people have a clue what “America” is. It’s crazy how many don’t.
* At least one Baxter Black book. Cowboy poetry. Yum. And definitely American.
* At least one Johnny Cash album.
* The Federalist Papers, the Constitution and The Declaration of Independence. (See #1)
* A yearly pass to their local state / National Park.