A monkey from Emory University’s Yerkes National Primate Research Center is missing. They don’t know where it is. Some think it could be hiding in the research facility, or on the facility property. Others think it could be running wild in Lawrenceville, Georgia. But nobody knows.
It could be that it’s found a job and won’t be returning.
I know what you’re thinking: everybody that voted for Obama is a moron. And you’d be right. But about the missing monkey from Emory, you might also be thinking “What kind of job could a monkey do?”
Well, there are plenty of jobs that a monkey could do. Or do as well as those doing the jobs today. Such as:
- Advising Obama on the economy
- Working as a news anchor for MSNBC
- Global Warming researcher
- Writing for Daily Kos
- American Idol judge
- Newt Gingrich campaign staffer
- Green Energy Czar
- Windows programmer
- Dictator of Cuba
What else could the missing monkey be doing?
mayor of San Francisco
PR advisor to Anthony Weiner
US Senator from California
governor of Illinois
columnist for the New York Times
Michelle Obama’s fashion advisor.
Cheers
I was going to say POTUS but, given his work & academic background, he’s overqualified for the position.
Doctor or long range financial planner for Hugo Chavez
Ethics researcher for Obama administration
Guy who orders shovels for shovel ready jobs
Pakistani double naught spy
Anthony Wiener’s PR advisor
Barack Obama’s conscience
BTW: Basil, I see you are following the first rule of investigative journalism: Follow the monkey.
* Jury member in Illinois. “I really wanted to say not guilty, but I just couldn’t.”
* Journalist
* Coffee-fetcher for Barack Obama
* Irish coffee-fetcher for Joe Biden
* Pop music songwriter
Joe Biden’s handler.
Daily Kos forum poster.
DNC chair.
Liberal Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice.
What else could the missing monkey be doing?
* Apple programmer supervised by Basil.
* Conducting research on humans.
* Entertaining Buttercup.
* Bugging Frank who posts a single non-random thought!
Jimmy:
If your talking about
iMovie ProFinal Cut Pro X, I’d have to agree that it’s not what it should be. But be honest: many many Windows applications work like an escaped monkey from Atlanta programmed them.UN Ambassador
More like a badly encapsulated monkey who’s guilty of inappropriate polymorphism who escaped from a gay bar in Seattle! When I run into one of those, I throw a chair.
“Will work for food”
Community Organizer.
Democrat party ethics advisor
ATF director
research and accuracy chief for pmsnbc
policy cheif for House democrats
Any programmer in any language!
An Engineer from Carnigie Mellon Smarty Pants University! Just give him a pocket protector and he’s golden!
Obama’s Speech Writer
TOTUS Operator
Any sitting Senator
Any sitting Congressman or Woman
Any sitting Federal Judge
Any head of any Federal Agency
Head of final program walk through’s at Microsoft
Head of Fix Packs final review at Microsoft
Head of customer service staff at Microsoft
ussjc, if there were no programmers, there would be no IT admins!
What job for a monkey? Spanking obviously…..
Give the monkey a job? I say we shock the monkey.
Upon actually reading the news release, it’s obvious that the monkey is pining for the fjords. I’d look there.
Maybe he is spreading the isolated RAGE virus… we wont know for sure until we wake form a 28 day comma
Jimmy, I’m a Project Manager. We are the guys that take the blame when the programmers hose everything up! But I’m way ahead of the game in my projects. I build in slippage for programmer extra special time needed to debug and get their stupid code correct! Then we test in IT, Unit and UAT before we allow them to slam into PROD to see who squeals “the programmers preferred methodology”…
Then I turn it over to the System Admins and I’m outta there being a hired gun or Contractor!!!
He’s hiding out at a PETA safe house awaiting a chance to escape to Canada.
smug project manager (alongside ussjc)
michelle bachmann historical fact-checker
Rush Limbaugh pill-fetcher / dispenser
any government office at any level
This is a bogus story. They’ve most likely already figured out that he’s been masquerading as a professor at their university. However, releasing that information may shed light on the fact that most of their faculty is masquerading as professors.
I’m pretty sure the monkey is in charge of the TSA diaper checkers division
Also, the monkey had to have made the decision to sell guns to Mexican drug gangs so they could shoot ATF agents! That was a sweet call!
Lead singer for the Heartbreakers
Careful, Troy — what you and your monkey agree to do in the privacy of your own home is your own business but turning that into a “job” is illegal. Plus, spanking your monkey is animal abuse in many states. That’s why in Soviet Russia, they have your monkey spank you. Because you don’t count.
Everybody here seems to be imagining some sort of super-monkey. Are the Yerkes doing crazy brain switching experiments with monkeys like in that one episode of Quantum Leap? Because given your average Macaca mulatta (i.e. rhesus monkey), the only thing she could really do is act or possibly direct. Hollywood is where they should be looking.
well, actually, i did get a job and now i come here for the witty repartee. let’s just all keep this under our hats, m’kay?
Zzyzx, so what youre saying is it’s already been euthanized?
I’m pretty sure that monkey is about to be impeached by the Iranian Parliament.
Too bad, because he speaks really good Farsi.
Obviously it would be eating eyeballs and flinging poo.
Iran is looking for a monkey to shoot into space, maybe it applied for the job?
Will it be wearing a cute little bomb vest when it ‘accidentally’ lands in Tel Aviv?