Mitt Romney recently used the phrase “bless his heart” when talking about Obama. I just love that. I always take that phrase as something you say about someone who is… um… “special” and tries really hard. Here’s then some other type “compliments” Romney can send Obama’s way:

“Obama is pivoting towards jobs again. Isn’t that precious?”

“It’s so cute the way Obama scrunches his face up when he’s trying to understand what an economy is.”

“I think what we can all agree about Obama’s first term is that he deserves a participation ribbon for it.”

“Look how close he was to spelling ‘Ohio’ right; what a clever little guy.”

“Obama wrote his very own budget again. What a big boy. What a big, big boy.”

“When you see how hard he tries on the economy, you just want to give him a hug and tell him, ‘It’s okay. It will be over soon.”

Have you seen my 16-trillion friends?

When you’re spending trillions, people don’t notice mere billions or millions. Not all people do, anyway. But check this out:

The Obama administration paid a PR firm nearly $500,000 in stimulus funds to run a barrage of ads on White House-friendly cable programs promoting its green job training program.

According to government records, the Labor Department paid the money in late 2009 to a company that negotiated a media buy on MSNBC’s “Countdown with Keith Olbermann” and “The Rachel Maddow Show.” The ad was set to run more than 100 times — 14 times a week for two months.

Yep. That stimulus money? That’s actually tax money? That means it’s actually your money? Yeah, that money. Paid to a PR firm that spent it on Obama-friendly cable shows (that nobody watches) to promote Obama’s programs.

Self-stimulation, I believe would be an accurate description.

Ever wonder how people can be so blind to the truth about Obama and his failed policies? Well, it’s been said for years that self-stimulation will make you go blind. Maybe it’s true.

[High Praise! to The Astute Bloggers]

Romney should release all his tax returns when Obama releases us all from Obamacare.

Our dear president is in a bit of a pickle, and it really boggles the mind how this could have even happened. You see, his opponent, Mitt Romney…that guy who is well known for murdering people with cancer, taking one-way trips with dogs on his car, and outsourcing jobs because it creates more poor people he can laugh at…has been out-doing Obama in fundraising. To the tune of over $60 million dollars! That’s right! Sixty! With, like, a million zeroes behind it, or something.

Maybe Michelle should have planted money trees in the garden instead of arugula…

Well, it’s a lot, and Obama isn’t too happy about it. He’s putting on a good show, of course, acting like everything is copacetic, and assuring us all that he will really stick it to the rich when he gets re-elected. Which is the important issue, no doubt. Those filthy devil-spawn rich people need a good sticking to, because it grows the economy and provides jobs and makes roads and bridges.

See, people can only give so much money to a campaign directly. Something like, $10 I think. Plus that dollar you can give on your taxes. So that is..umm..17 dollars I guess. So, the average ordinary Julia, who really loves Obama by the way, can only give 17 dollars straight to Obama. Which is really unfair, but those are the rules that the rich Republicans made to keep Democrats down. So, to raise money, Obama has to host dinners, clown shows starring Joe Biden, and things like that. And it costs like, one-hundred-eleventy dollars to get into these kinds of things, which the average Julia doesn’t have.

So Obama needs rich people with that many elevens of dollars to pay for a plate of catered food from some guy who didn’t build his business anyway. Which is only fair, because at least three of those elevens of dollars go not to the processed mashed potatoes, but to Obama’s campaign. They do important stuff with this money. Like making new commercials about how evil Romney is, and how he once traded his soul to the Devil to become a famous singer, and when that didn’t pan out, he owed the Devil three souls, and so he sold orphans’ souls to the Devil. Or to bumping four hours of tee times to get the president into an exclusive course during his campaign tour. Important campaign stuff like that.

So, like I said, that leaves rich people to help Obama get all of this money he needs to stay as president. But, as we all know, rich people are evil, and evil people are pretty much dumb. They don’t realize how much richer they will get when Obama raises their taxes to one-hundred-eleventy percent. Because this will stimulate the economy, and make more jobs, and then rich people will get richer. Even though the middle class will get even richer than the rich people are, and the poor will actually inherit the Earth. I read that somewhere.

But rich people, being evil and dumb like they are, just won’t pay to eat dinner with Obama, because they are against him fixing the economy. And they won’t pay to see Joe Biden act like a clown either. But that is probably because you can see that for free on the news every night. Maybe that is what the Obama campaign is doing wrong. If you could only see Biden do his clown routine in private, and charge for it, maybe then Obama could get rich people to pay, even grudgingly.

I should write the Obama campaign now and tell them I figured out how they can raise money.

Innominatus [High Praise!] has posted one of those million-times-forwarded emails featuring “five life lessons.”

I thought they were a bit sappy.

Then again, maple syrup is made out of sap, and pancakes are ever so much better with syrup.

If you’re having a dry-pancake day, maybe these are just what you need.

Technically Linens ‘n Things could just be called Things.

— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) August 21, 2012

Todd Akin is the most bipartisan issue in America right now.

— Bethany Mandel (@bethanyshondark) August 21, 2012

the whiter a nurse’s sneakers, the more patients he/she has euthanized

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) August 21, 2012