[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]
Don’t know if Lactose the Intolerant had Frank in mind when he wrote this, but it might come in handy in the near future:
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* Come to the courthouse dressed as a gay cowboy eating pudding.
* Ask if all of your personalities get a vote.
* No habla inlges, usted.
* Oh no, I can be fair and impartial. I hate all races equally.
* Wink at the defendant and whisper, “Call me.”
* Quote Matthew 7:1 and claim you aren’t allowed to judge based upon your religious convictions.
* Oh yeah, I can tell if someone’s guilty just by looking at their aura.
* Look at the defendant and say, “Dude. We missed you at the 10 year reunion.”
* Answer all questions in the dark language of Mordor.
* Tell the lawyers that your favorite movie is The Runaway Jury.
* On the jury questionnaire under political preference list: anarchist.
* I would be loving to be serve on this jury of the infidel. Allahu akbar. Sharia. I brought my own stones.
* Approach the defendant with open arms. “Come here you. It looks like you just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.”
* Heads guilty. Tails innocent.
* Point at the prosecuting attorney, “Remember that day you found out you passed the bar. Man, I have never seen you so stoned.”
* Before we get started, let me review for you all the prime directive.
* Glare at the judge and remark stoically, “I know what you did. The angels told me so.”
All I had to do, in a county with around a total of 25,000 people, was fill in the paperwork asking what orgs I belonged to that I belonged to the Republican Party, and the TEA Party, and I was never even called up. Very simple, very honest.
Sane solid citizens should not try to get out of jury duty. He may be the only person in the room capable to prevent an injustice from taking place. At least half of the lawyers are intentionally there to prevent justice (either to get a guilty man released or to convict an innocent man). The judge just wants the procedure to go smoothly. If the jury is made up of “Obama voters”, then the falsely accused man has no hope that his arguments based on reason will prevail over the emotional arguments of the prosecutor. Similarly the community needs truely guilty peopleto be locked away to keep the reast of the community safe. The Obama voters will willingly release a violent man because of his skin color (OJ?). Our system depends on people who will not neglect this duty and leave it to inferior people to carry out.
The only time I’ve been called for jury duty we got let go because there was only one case and the guy decided on a bench trial, after everybody was there.
In 42 years I’ve never been summoned to jury duty, and I want to experience it, dadgummit. Why can’t I just volunteer?
Because that will get you placed on the “Do Not Call These Nutballs” list
Wait. I thought Lactose the Intolerant was a Nuking Politics blogger.
Jimmy – he is, I just poached the best part of his post in exchange for a link and High Praise!
Harvey, that Lactose guy is all over the place! We can’t keep up with him. He’s a bloody machine gun.
Apparently, just showing up and being me was enough to be deselected during the attorney’s questioning.
While undergoing juror screening for a murder trial, I had the luck of being one of the last of a long line of people trying to get out of jury duty. The attorneys on both sides had pretty much heard every excuse by then and were a little punchy. The defense attorney asked me real sarcastically, “So, Mr. Manolo, how many criminals would you shove into a dumpster?” I looked at him and asked, “Whole or cut up?” I didn’t get selected for jury duty.
@ Manolo. LOL. Add that one to the list.
* Tell them you’re a cat.
My favorite is you tell the judge that you will make an excellent juror, because you can spot a guilty person *snaps fingers* “just like that.”
Getting out of it doesn’t get you out of going and sitting around for hours waiting to see if you even need to get out of it. You still have to show up, here at least. Most criminal cases don’t even go to juries, they extort them into pleading guilty. I’ve had regular jury duty 3 times and besides sitting with the super hot Patriots cheerleader the first time, it’s just boring. Then I got the letter telling me I had to do GRAND Jury, “up to 18 WEEKS, 5 days a week”. Who besides welfare leeches can just skip work for 18 weeks?? Having a record gets you out of that one so go get arrested and plead guilty, you’re set for life. Luckily, I had already done that….several times.
If all else fails, just tell them “In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls”, they’ll know you’re onto them and you’ll never get called again.
got called up on a property dispute case and was asked, as was everyone, if i had ever been involved in one. i said yes, thinking that would be the end of it. oh, no. could you tell us about it?
ok…
so, there were these crazy neighbors living next door some years ago. they didn’t like anyone who lived near them and would yell at anyone who passed by. i tried to ignore them. then one day my cat died. she had been a nice cat and the kids loved her so we buried her next to the fence in the back yard. next to the crazy people. well, they didn’t like that one bit. they yelled at us, my kids included, and threatened legal action. i got annoyed and upped the ante by asking my buddy, the Methodist lay minister to come over and help. he led the service for dear departed Fluffy at grave side and the kids were all sniffly. the crazy people yelled even louder and put up sheet metal on their side of the fence so they couldn’t see the tiny grave of Fluffy. my Dad heard about it and he felt he had to get in to the act and came over and constructed a six foot tall wooden cross, which he painted white and erected over Fluffy’s last resting place. this was enough for the neighbors and they tearfully begged we take down the cross. they moved out the next week.
after the ringing silence lifted i got to go home. haven’t been back since.
“Bring the guilty bastard in. We’ll give him a fair trial before we hang him. What he’s only on trial for shoplifting? Oh well, eventually he would move on to something serious, so we may as well hang him now and get it over with.”
*Say, “I am the law,” and proceed to load your revolver
I actually got out of Jury Duty once by asking the Defense Lawyer if it would be OK if I listened to Rush Limbaugh with my earbuds while we were in court. I Never thought I’d hear an objection that fast in my life….