My man in State has come through again.  Now he got Kerry’s 2014 New Year Resolutions, and they are about what you would expect.

• Develop an immunity to iocane powder in case I am challenged to a contest of wits by a Sicilian diplomat
• Try not to start a land war in Asia
• Beat Assad at the knockout game
• Finally have a sex scandal.  Why does no one want to have a sex scandal with me?
• Find that Rorschach guy and force him to stop making perverted ink drawings of my mother with George Bush and a donkey
• Find a way to get that residual Hillary smell out of my office
• Discretely find out which state I am supposed to be the secretary of
• Figure out how to block Putin from my facebook page.  I think he is fb-stalking me
• Figure out how to remove those facebook links I accidentally made to NORAD, NSA surveillance, the nuclear launch codes and healthcare.gov
• Discretely find a tutor so I can get my IQ test scores above 80
• More botox
• Overcome my addiction to bath salts, and in the meantime, hire some younger, more tender interns
• Armed with White-out, find a way past security and ‘amend’ the Constitution so I rather than Biden am next in line
• Challenge Obama to a contest of wits