We join this Presidential press conference already in progress.

MSNBC Reporter: Let me begin by expressing our appreciation to you for cutting your Hawaiian vacation short and coming to Colorado to address us on this momentous occasion.

President Obama: Oh, I didn’t cut my vacation short. Given the current recreational legal status Colorado has afforded us, I have relocated my vacation here.  And it is quite likely that my vacation will be extended indefinitely as time can at times become mutable while I am properly recreating.

 MSNBC Reporter: Are you saying that you are only here for the legal marijuana?

President Obama: I thought you were cool, dude.  Let me be perfectly clear.  Next question.

FOX News Reporter: I have been receiving messages from viewers all day that have still been unable to log on to healthcare.go—(collapses)

VP Biden: Knockout game!  Knocked him out in one punch!  Got him dude!  Did anyone get that on video?  I got to post it.

President Obama: Did I happen to mention that we have changed the format of our press conferences slightly?  Joe will be prowling around the press corps, and if you ask a question he doesn’t like, he gets to try and knock you out from behind.  Do we have any further questions?

Groggy Fox News Reporter: (arises) It has been reported this morning that healthcare.gov doesn’t have the ability to allow a user to update their insurance for significant life changing events like the birth of a child.  How do you plan on dealing with this new problem with the Obamacare website?

VP Biden: (swings and misses and collapses)

Groggy Fox News Reporter: Well, it appears that Biden has successfully knocked himself out.

President Obama: Again.  Not as easy as it looks, is it?  It takes a real athlete.  Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it folks?  Joe knew the risks.  That’s what happens when an inferior white boy tries to play a black man’s game.  But back to your question.  That isn’t a problem. Obamacare was designed to cover birth control and abortions.  Consequently, we don’t expect there to be any life changing events that need updating.  It’s all part of the zero population philosophy we built into the ACA. Going forward, we will carefully be controlling the American population growth through a federally controlled breeding program in which I will mate with the voluptuous vixens of my choosing.  The use of my genetic material for cloning purposes will also be allowed.  The best way to create utopia is to create the utopian master race.  Lots of little sons of Go… I mean, sons of me creating the perfect society.  Did I also mention that Obamacare requires insurance to cover mandatory castration?  Next question?

MSNBC Reporter: Melissa Harris-Perry, MSNBC News.  Given all of the notoriety Romney is getting about having an adopted African American grandson, I imagine it must pain you that he is getting more positive publicity right now than you are. Would you consider adopting a white grandson?

President Obama: I already got me a mentally-challenged white VP, so I filled my cracker quota. But seriously, I find this whole matter very troubling.  It truly pains me that that young boy will grow up completely estranged from his African American roots.  I can envision what life will be like for that poor little boy. I can see him and his racist Romney siblings sneaking out together on muggy summer nights, making little crosses out of their used Popsicle sticks and burning them on their servants’ lawns.  Yes, racism like that can be adorable in the very young, but what happens when he grows up.  Being raised in white privilege, attending decent schools, getting a job that allows him to support himself and his family, not needing the government to take care of him, and, heaven help us all, becoming a Republican.  He wouldn’t even be African American anymore.  It would be better if he had just been sent back to the Detroit Planned Parenthood where he belonged.

MSNBC Reporter: A quick follow up question, if I may.  Mr. President, I have admired you for a long, long time, and the Matthews-esque thrills I get go well past my thighs.  May I be one of your vixens?

 President Obama: Let me be perfectly clear.  Ha ha ha ha ha!  No, you may certainly not.  I wouldn’t even let you watch.  Cougars need not apply.  But putting your obvious disappointment aside,  I am really excited about the new breeding initiative.  I’ve been getting ready.  Did I tell you, I had a date with a really hot model last night?  Well, I guess it wasn’t a real date.  We had dinner and watched a movie, and then the plane landed.  Rim shot!  Hi ho!  I’ll be here all week.  Or at least until the haze clears.  No more questions.  I got the munchies.

So it’s been at least two decades now of climate scientists promising doomsday very very soon, and yet they keep making pronouncements like “Climate Change Worse Than We Thought, Likely To Be ‘Catastrophic Rather Than Simply Dangerous'” and expect us to pay attention. Weren’t you guys making exact same claims like that twenty years ago? You actually think anyone new is going to pay attention if you just keep repeating it over and over for years and years as nothing happens (other than ships looking for global warming data getting stuck in ice)? It’s starting to make me think that climate scientists have the problem solving skills of chickens — which would explain a lot.

Instead of these constant claims of doomsday that have become white noise, climate scientists need a put up or shut up date. They need to declare a specific date that they say everyone will be dead by, and if we aren’t all dead then, we get to make fun of them and call them idiots who have no idea what they’re talking about. So no more vague, unproveable claims of some future calamity at some unspecified time; we need a hard date that everyone should be dead by if they actually have any idea of what they’re talking about. And if they won’t come up with that, they might as well save their breath on any more pronouncements no one is going to listen to.