Archive of entries posted on 2nd January 2014

The HealthCare.Gov Video Tutorial (Metaphorically Speaking)

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This is a deliberate mockery of inept “how to” YouTube tutorial videos in general, but if HHS put out a tutorial on how to use HealthCare.gov, I imagine it would be approximately this useful:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #902,014)

Normally I don’t find sheer awfulness entertaining, but this works for me. There’s just something about the bubbly enthusiasm of the narrator, and the wincingly familiar attitude “it’s a terrible video, but I’m putting it on YouTube anyway, and my mom says I’m really clever, so everyone HAS to love it or they’re just being mean. I’m a special little snowflake!”

If it were any more realistic, the guy would’ve shot the video in a plaid onesie.

Unreliable Source

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A new report shows that President Obama took more vacation in his first term than the average private-sector worker gets after 20 years on the job.

I think they made this report up. There aren’t any jobs left that have lasted for 20 years to compare to.

Wisdom of the Day: Sleigh Child Okay Points Drum Nutcrackers Birds Bible Christmas Data Song

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Obama Warned Us – Coming Out

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Tonight, somewhere in America, a young person, let’s say a young man, will struggle to fall to sleep, wrestling alone with a secret he’s held as long as he can remember. Soon, perhaps, he will decide it’s time to let that secret out. What happens next depends on him, his family, as well as his friends and his teachers and his community. But it also depends on us — on the kind of society we engender, the kind of future we build.

BARACK OBAMA, speech, Oct. 10, 2009

“And if society changes to be supportive enough… someday you’ll see my college transcripts.”

Frank J.’s New Year’s Resolutions

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Well, it’s a new year. 2014. The future. I mean, it’s not as futuristic sounding as 2015, but it will do. So it’s time for me to make some resolutions for the new year.

FRANK J.’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

* I’m going to get one of my novels published this year. I’m sitting around with like two finished novels and am busy on a third, and it’s time to get them out there and read and become a super rich, popular novelist.

* Also, I’m going to have a huge success with my first book published in print. Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything was a pretty good success, but this year I’ll have a new humor book coming out in actual book form you can like hit the dog with, so it’s time to ramp up my success level. “Important writer Frank J. Fleming” — that’s what they’ll call me.

* I’m going to finally have a TV appearance this year. I had a half TV appearance this last year with me talking over a still photo of myself, but I’m going to fully be on TV this year for some interview about how great I am.

* I’m going to talk less about politics. I’m sick of politics. I want to find other stuff to talk about. Grah! I hate politics.

* Oh wait; we have midterm elections this year. I guess I’ll have to talk about that. But I hate politics and politicians!

* I know: I’ll fake there’s going to be some big disaster — like a giant asteroid is going to hit. Then all the politicians will race to an underground shelter. And then I’ll seal them off in the shelter and they won’t pester me anymore.

* Oh, and I turn 35 later this year so now is a good time to plan for me to be president since I’ll finally be constitutionally eligible. I’ll make a great president because I don’t like talking about politics. Also, I have a great plan for locking Congress in an underground shelter.

* I’d resolve to nuke the moon this year, but I resolve that every year and it never happens. I don’t want to be disappointed again 🙁

* This year, I’m going to teach Buttercup to finally play Mario Kart competently. She’s three now; she should be able to steer an imaginary kart. And it’s time for her to do something useful like challenge me at racing.

* I’m going to take down a moose with the traditional way our forefathers hunted them — with an uppercut.

* I’m going to add at least one cyborg augmentation to myself.

* Other than this one bullet point, I’m not going to mention Obama at all this year and hope that makes him go away.

* I’m going to try to be more humble… which is hard for me since I’m practically exploding with awesome.

* I’m going to pay more attention to this blog and the people who writer here like Hamby and the other guy.

So any other resolutions I should have? I don’t care about your resolutions for yourself.

Random Thoughts: Christmas Vacation Thoughts

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Phil Robertson shouldn’t go back to A&E unless he gets an apology from them for their bigotry and hatred.

Someone should start a country based around personal liberty. That would be awesome.

The philosophy of the left is there’s nothing wrong with beating a poor person to death if your intention was to help him.

It’s time to take a hard stand against all the people who want to tear down the values that made this country. Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

No one can judge me but God. And judges. And juries, sort of.

Obama should just go full Judge Dredd and start shouting, “I am the law!”

Most of these journalists are about as good at their job as Obama is at his.

Can journalists have a press conference where we get to ask them why they’re so worthless?

I’m going to put “LOL” at the end of all my tweets so I seem funnier. LOL.

When Obama says, “Look! I’m dancing crazy!” and starts dancing, that’s his way of dodging a question.

I think Obama’s response to question about him winning lie of the year of “No hablo Inlges” might have been a lie.

“Non-Partisan Truth-Telling Group” is the name of my indie rock band.

How can you award “Lie of the Year” before Obama finishes his last press conference of the year?

Women already live longer than men, but all the focus is always on women’s health issues. #MeninistTwitter

“The White House press conferences turned into drum circles so gradually, I didn’t even notice.”

Why don’t we compromise and say “Happy Christmas”?

When I come back to work in January 2014, my daily Dilbert calendar will be dead.

How do I watch a VHS tape on my iPad?

I’m a cultured person. I play indie video games.

Seems like there is no one as hate-filled these days as those trying to root out “bigots.”

It’s like the people who set up these wifi cable modems have no idea what they’re doing. They used a 20 hexadecimal sequence as a passphrase.

In the write up of it, they show spaces in it even though there aren’t spaces in it. Every character is important, because it’s a PASSPHRASE.

You don’t know what a burden it is being the only person who isn’t an idiot.

so wut happen wit the duck dynasty? did somebudy stop them or did they kill all th gay people?

BREAKING: Santa Claus has been arrested on stocking charges.

Caillou teaches some odd lessons. “Ringette isn’t just a girl’s sport.” “Don’t be afraid of camels.”

I kinda get ringette as a Canadian kid issue, but does Canada have lots of problems with irrational camel fear?

The president should release a Christmas card that says “Have yourself a BARRY little Christmas (people sometimes call me Barry).”

My iPad sure crashes a lot since the 7.0 update.

Dennis Rodman didn’t get to meet with Kim Jong Un? They must have found out we put a bomb in Rodman.

We know the superhero origins, so could movies stop showing them? We don’t need to again see Batman fall in a vat of bats to get his powers.

“One lozenge every two hours.” Yeah, sure, instruction on bag of Halls.

Got the photos back from my author photo shoot. Realized too late I should have done at least one Blue Steel shot.

Buttercup was saying “hot” and “cold” as I looked for an item she hid. Took a little bit for me to realize she was saying it randomly.

Hunting with a sledgehammer takes the most skill.

The thing I never understand about nativity scenes is which of the three wise men goes on to become Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas from the Flemings!

Daughter suddenly yanked off my wedding ring; didn’t even know it comes off. Had never removed it since my wedding.

“Friday night’s a great time for football…” Why does that jump into my head every so often?

But Die Hard 2 is a Christmas movie, right?

Starve a cold, feed a fever, fever a starving

The main argument for Die Hard being a Christmas movie is “Shut up; it’s a Christmas movie.” Frankly, it’s the winning argument.

To end this debate, we need a popular Christmas song that mentions the movie.
“Watching Die Hard by an open fire…”

“Hey, myrrh isn’t cheap! I’d just expect a little more appreciation from people living in a stable.”

To be a Christmas movie, the whole movie must take place Xmas time. That’s why Die Hard is a Christmas movie and It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t.

If Romney developed fire super powers, his superhero name could be “Oven Mitt”.

The iOS game Device 6 was one of the most creative things I’ve seen in a while. Short, though.

Got $200 in iTunes gift certificates. Since I only buy the occasional app, feels like Brewster’s Millions figuring how I’ll spend it all.

What are racists supposed to do these days when it seems like the pro-tolerance side is hogging all the hate-filled idiots?

Enjoying Assassin’s Creed IV, though the main character looks like a cross between Heath Ledger and a gorilla.

Eww! Gross income!

Finally watching that Downton Abbey. When do they start paying for the estate by cooking meth?

Vizzini brand birth control. “Inconceivable!”

The joke’s on me

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corzine-approval-ratingI’ve been trying to come up with a way of poking fun at Obama’s slipping poll numbers. I’ve considered and rejected some really lame ideas. So far, the best I’ve been able to come up with is along the line of this:

News From Next Year

WASHINGTON, December 31, 2014 (AP) – The president’s poll numbers have held steady for a year despite Republican claims that the president’s policies have been increasingly unpopular. Polling services stopped conducting polls regarding the president’s popularity in January, a move roundly criticized by Democrats.

“Our own internal polls show that the president’s policies are increasingly popular,” said outgoing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Hardly a day goes by that I don’t ask my staff ‘How’s the president doing?’ Support for the president is at an all-time high. Trust me on this.”

Despite record number of uninsured Americans, Obamacare’s popularity is high among House Democrats, according to Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “It’s a shame that Republicans have been sabotaging the Obamacare Website by running ads all summer and into the fall. It’s caused people to lose their benefits, and then they have the audacity to blame it on a law nobody read.”

Even with the popularity of Obamacare, the president’s approval rate has stayed in the 30s since polling stopped.

Anyway, I was thinking about something like that. But, I won’t finish it.

Why?

Turns out Obama’s pollster beat me to it. Really.

Reporters should go the next “year without reporting any public polling data,” Joel Benenson, president and CEO of Benenson Strategy Group, said.

It’s so hard to make fun of people that parody themselves.