Archive of entries posted on 29th January 2014

Wisdom of the Day: Candy Sheep Holocaust Seals Lotion Washington Biden Hulk Suit Oompa-Loompa Sexist

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Obama Warned Us – Race to the Future

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We can’t afford to stand pat while the world races by. The United States of America did not become the most prosperous nation on Earth by sheer luck or happenstance. We got here because each time a generation of Americans has faced a changing world, we have changed with it. We have not feared our future; we have shaped it.

BARACK OBAMA, speech at Carnegie Mellon University, Jun. 2, 2010

“And under my leadership, we WILL win the global race to total economic collapse.”

It’s Always Sunny in Washington DC: Barack and Joe Prepare for the State of the Union – Part 1

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Biden (carries in a juicer, sets it on the Oval Office desk and scrambles underneath looking for an outlet)

Barack: Dude, you got to get out of here, man. I can’t have that racket going on.  I’m totally busy preparing for that state of the union thing.

Biden: Wait?  What? Why, dude? I mean, why? Don’t you have like interns and junk to do your work for you?  I haven’t worked an ounce since I started in on this sweet government gig.

Barack: Did you listen to those last speeches?  Did you, dude?  Did you listen to them?  Did you even listen to them?

Biden: Why in the world, dude? Why would I listen?  Why?  I just stand up and clap when everyone else does.  Your speeches are so boring, dude!  Total snooze-arama.

Barack: Totally, dude!  My speechwriters totally suck.  That’s my point.  I’m a better speech writer than all my speechwriters.  That’s why I totally have to do it myself, dude.  Got to get it done right this year.

Biden: Totally!  And I can help you spell out all the big words in the teleprompter phonetically so you don’t have to pause and figure them out and stuff.

Barack: Totally!  No wait.  Shut up, you dick.  Like, you don’t even know what phonetk…that word means.

Biden:  See?  See?  Just what I was saying, dude.  Look at the prompter.  Fo net ik lee.  Say it again.  Fo net ik lee.

Barack: You are such a douche, dude.  Such a douche.  Why don’t you go see if Hill has a use for you?

Biden: No time.  Got to get my morning juicing in dude.  I’m totally going to be healthy now.

Barack: What, did you lose a bet with Michelle again?  That’s what you said last week.  Didn’t you give that up already?

Biden: It was just a minor setback, dude.  I busted my old juicer the first time I used it.  Just a minor setback, dude.  A minor setback.  The ham, steak and eggs like, totally clogged it up, dude.  Who knew that stuff would clog the juicer’s arteries and stuff? Totally ruined.  They wouldn’t even honor the warranty.  Claimed it was totally my fault.  Turns out you can only juice like vegetarian stuff.  Who woulda thunk it, dude?  Huh? Who woulda?  Ham and egg juice. Liver and onion juice.  Bacon cheeseburger juice.  Rib juice.  Who wouldn’t want juices like that?  You know what I am saying?  You know what I am saying, dude?  Darn right you do. But I got my vegetables here.  I got my fruits.  Got my new juicer and I’m gonna try again.  Michelle promised me I’d feel 20 years younger if I started juicing.

Barack: So here’s to proving her wrong again.  Dude, what even is that? Is that arugula?

Biden: Arugula?  Arugula? No. No, arugula?  Is that even a thing?  Who would juice arugula?  No, dude, no, no.  This is tobacco, dude.  Primo stuff right from Phillip Morris. It’s not Cuban, but I guess it will do.

Barack: What the ….?  Tobacco?

Biden: What the nothing. It’s totally tobacco, dude.

Barack: You can’t juice tobacco, dude!

Biden: You can totally juice tobacco.

Barack: You can’t juice tobacco, dude!  No you can’t!

Biden: I totally can, dude.  I saw it on the infomercial.  You can juice lettuce.  Carrots with that green stuff still on top.  Cabbages.  Apples with all the seeds and stuff in them.  You can totally juice all that stuff.  If you can totally juice all that stuff, you can totally juice tobacco.  It’s just like leaves, dude.  It’s just leaves.  Like lettuce with a kick.  If you hadn’t moved your stash, I would have totally sweetened it up with your weed too, dude.  But now I got to use blueberries instead. That’s what you have reduced me to, dude.  Juicing fruit.  You did this to me. Besides, what did you expect?  You won’t let me smoke inside anymore, and I can’t possibly maintain my three pack a day habit during those five minute smoke breaks you give me.  I’m smoking, like 8 at a time, dude.  It’s totally messing up my lips.  And just look at my teeth.  This way I can take my smooth, refreshing Phillip Morris hit with me all day long.

Barack: No, what I mean, is if you drink that tobacco juice, it will kill you.

Biden: Like, shut up, dude.  I am so tired of hearing that!  Cigarettes cause cancer.  Blah, blah, blah.  I know that, dude.  We all totally know that!  No one has respect for us smokers.  And they should, dude.  They should.  How many of those naysayers have the courage to wake up every day and face cancer like a man?  I do!  Every day man! Every day!  I’m fearless, dude.  Totally fearless!  I’m so tired of all this cancer talk.

Barack: Totally dude.  I hope I come up with a cure soon.

Biden: Totally. I’m getting so sick of walking 5 Ks.

Barack: Totally.  And does that even help? How does walking cure cancer?

Biden: And if it cures cancer, then why am I walking?  Huh.  Why am I the one that is walking?  I don’t have cancer?  If all this walking cures cancer, they should have all those sick dudes do the walking.  You know what I’m saying, dude?  All those bald little kids should be doing the walking.  Get them off the bed and whip those lazy kids into shape.  It’s for their own good. You know what I am saying?  My walking doesn’t cure anybody. Oh, that juice looks good.  I can smell the nicotiny goodness.

Barack: No, dude, you can’t drink that, dude.  I mean that if you eat tobacco, it will kill you.  It is poisonous.  You won’t maybe die of cancer some day.  You will die of poisoning now.

Biden: No way!

Barack: Way!

Biden: No way!

Barack: Way!

Biden: I don’t believe you.  You’re messing with me.  The surgeon general paid you off, dude.  He must have totally paid you off.

Barack: No, dude.  I’m being totally straight with you.  I know.  I’ll prove it you.  Let’s call Hillary in and have her try it.  Then you’ll see.  Then we’ll see who’s telling the truth.  Glass it up and I’ll call her.  I’ll tell her I need her help with my state of the union thingie.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

Random Thoughts: Obama’s Sixth SOTU Speech

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I wish I loved anything as much as dogs love barking constantly for no reason.

Stop whining; there’s a lot of planets with a lot less heat than this one.

“Hey… it could be worse!” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Before you judge how I’m doing, remember that Bush planned 9/11.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Today’s problem is wealth inequality. I mean, look at me: I’m rich and I’m a completely useless twit.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Financially, I’m doing pretty well. I don’t know about any of you, though.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“We need to take a lesson from the Grammies and Macklemore, not less.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Remember how hopeful you were and how much you loved me in 2008? Good times.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“While I have you all here, I want to talk to you about my new Kickstarter campaign. For $30 you get…” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

Apple sold one kajillion iPhones, but analysts were hoping for one point five kajillion.

Does believing Barack Obama is actually doing a good job as president count as an insane conspiracy theory yet?

“I’m just going to read some tweets I thought were funny…” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

I worked minimum wage in a food court between my freshman and sophomore years at college. Not a living wage, but I lived with parents.

Minimum wage fine for teenagers. Wouldn’t recommend it for raising a family.

During high school, I had a union job in a supermarket produce section. Slightly above minimum wage, but union took $5 of every paycheck.

They also sent me a newsletter telling me how great Democratic candidates were and how bad Republicans were.

Was never a card-carrying union member, though, because I lost my card 🙁

Barack Obama has absolutely no interest in being more equal to you.

“Is that a black eye? Power, is the president abusing you?”
“No, I just… walked into a low-level employee in Cincinnati.”

“What’s the matter, Lassie? Did Timmy fall down the well? Or are you just barking for no reason because you’re a stupid dog?”

In more perfect world, president would give brief hello at inauguration and never be seen or heard from again unless there was a big war.

“I’m sorry, but I got a job offer in a better country, so this is my two weeks notice.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

There will be four GOP responses to the SOTU, but they’re all exactly the same and will be delivered in unison by creepy little girls.

“Here’s what I think of marijuana legalization…”
*lights up and puffs a joint*
*Congress starts break dancing* #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill the country this next year.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“First I inherited a mess from Bush, and then I inherited a bigger mess from the ametuer who served a term after him.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“I wrote down some jokes for this speech.”
*shuffles cards*
“Didn’t realize how racist they were until now.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“I’ve developed a new dance called ‘The President’ and I’m going to spend the next hour teaching it to you.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Just as a warning, this speech will contain numerous Breaking Bad spoilers.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Due to a Freaky Friday type incident, I’m actually Joe Biden.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

I don’t why the Republican response to the SOTU should be anything other than “Wow. Did you get a load of that guy?”

“If you’re wondering why I’m standing here quietly, it’s because I’m imagining you all naked and I’m very thorough.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

BREAKING: President Obama is suing Gawker for leaking the text of the SOTU.

I’d have to be making a lot of money as a professional pundit before I’d ever consider watching the SOTU.

Sounds like whoever was in charge of the country while Obama was president really screwed up.

Oh, Obama tried to crowd surf, but the representatives didn’t catch him. Always a big mistake in the SOTU.

The way Obama keeps adding “I’m really smart!” after each of his points isn’t having the effect he’s intending.

Worst part of SOTU was where Obama said, “Freedom, religion, and the sun must be destroyed for my plan to work.”

Unless you were officially licensed by Obama, you had to refer to the SOTU as the “big speech” in ads to not get sued.

Obama’s idea to decrease the deficit by increasing spending on Opposite Day doesn’t sound like a great plan.

Obama’s idea to avoid war in Iran – bomb them and then blame it on the Jews – is better than most his ideas so far.

The part where Obama tried to get the Republicans to sing “Imagine” along with him was really awkward.

The president is just bitter because he knows that if the economy turns around now, Macklemore will get all the credit.

Angry Birds and Bad Piggies

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BadPiggiesSo, what level of Angry Birds are you on? Three Stars on all levels? That’s great.

I’m not the one thinking so (though that does impress me). Obama’s NSA thinks so.

Seems that Angry Birds is one of the methods the NSA is using to gather data on you.

The New York Times reported this week that the NSA and other spy agencies are able to access and exploit the data that many smartphone apps, including Google Maps and Angry Birds, collect.

The N.S.A. and Britain’s Government Communications Headquarters were working together on how to collect and store data from dozens of smartphone apps by 2007, according to the documents, provided by Edward J. Snowden, the former N.S.A. contractor. Since then, the agencies have traded recipes for grabbing location and planning data when a target uses Google Maps, and for vacuuming up address books, buddy lists, telephone logs and the geographic data embedded in photographs when someone sends a post to the mobile versions of Facebook, Flickr, LinkedIn, Twitter and other Internet services.

Now, before you get all angry at Obama or the NSA, you need to take a breath. They say they don’t really use the data or even look at it if you’re not a terrorist. Apparently, they can tell before they look at it. And, of course, just because Obama lied about Benghazi, about Obamacare, about jobs, about the deficit, about, well, everything else, doesn’t mean he’s lying about this. And even if he is, you still shouldn’t blame him.

Blame the people that voted for him. None of what we know about Obama and his ilk is new. We’ve known it all along. So, yeah, blame the people that voted for him. Those are the real Bad Piggies.