don't take "Free Candy" from vans. its not free, its just no-money-down, no interest for 1yr, then u get an expensive bill in the mail
— lawblob (@lawblob) January 28, 2014
when i can't sleep i start counting all the sheep that have betrayed me
— Tooth Faery (@thetoothfaery) January 28, 2014
Straw man holocaust #SOTUinthreewords
— Leon Wolf (@LeonHWolf) January 28, 2014
Look, one of my best friends works at Sea World and he assures me that he only practices choke holds on the seals when he drinks.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) January 28, 2014
It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the attendant called – Self-checkout lanes
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 28, 2014
Guy who keeps saying Washington doesn't work has an 80% approval rating there. If only these things could be connected somehow…
— S.M (@redsteeze) January 28, 2014
Q: What did Joe Biden get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 28, 2014
I sleep in my Hulk hands. It's the only thing that stops the night terrors.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) January 28, 2014
A suit is like a "better person" costume.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) January 28, 2014
Keep waiting for Boehner to press a button, send Obama into space, and sing an Oompa-Loompa morality song about taking other people's money.
— John Nolte (@NolteNC) January 29, 2014
It's sexist that Democrats didn't let a woman give the #SOTU.
— jon gabriel (@exjon) January 29, 2014