I wish I loved anything as much as dogs love barking constantly for no reason.

Stop whining; there’s a lot of planets with a lot less heat than this one.

“Hey… it could be worse!” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Before you judge how I’m doing, remember that Bush planned 9/11.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Today’s problem is wealth inequality. I mean, look at me: I’m rich and I’m a completely useless twit.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Financially, I’m doing pretty well. I don’t know about any of you, though.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“We need to take a lesson from the Grammies and Macklemore, not less.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Remember how hopeful you were and how much you loved me in 2008? Good times.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“While I have you all here, I want to talk to you about my new Kickstarter campaign. For $30 you get…” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

Apple sold one kajillion iPhones, but analysts were hoping for one point five kajillion.

Does believing Barack Obama is actually doing a good job as president count as an insane conspiracy theory yet?

“I’m just going to read some tweets I thought were funny…” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

I worked minimum wage in a food court between my freshman and sophomore years at college. Not a living wage, but I lived with parents.

Minimum wage fine for teenagers. Wouldn’t recommend it for raising a family.

During high school, I had a union job in a supermarket produce section. Slightly above minimum wage, but union took $5 of every paycheck.

They also sent me a newsletter telling me how great Democratic candidates were and how bad Republicans were.

Was never a card-carrying union member, though, because I lost my card 🙁

Barack Obama has absolutely no interest in being more equal to you.

“Is that a black eye? Power, is the president abusing you?”
“No, I just… walked into a low-level employee in Cincinnati.”

“What’s the matter, Lassie? Did Timmy fall down the well? Or are you just barking for no reason because you’re a stupid dog?”

In more perfect world, president would give brief hello at inauguration and never be seen or heard from again unless there was a big war.

“I’m sorry, but I got a job offer in a better country, so this is my two weeks notice.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

There will be four GOP responses to the SOTU, but they’re all exactly the same and will be delivered in unison by creepy little girls.

“Here’s what I think of marijuana legalization…”
*lights up and puffs a joint*
*Congress starts break dancing* #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill the country this next year.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“First I inherited a mess from Bush, and then I inherited a bigger mess from the ametuer who served a term after him.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“I wrote down some jokes for this speech.”
*shuffles cards*
“Didn’t realize how racist they were until now.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“I’ve developed a new dance called ‘The President’ and I’m going to spend the next hour teaching it to you.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Just as a warning, this speech will contain numerous Breaking Bad spoilers.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

“Due to a Freaky Friday type incident, I’m actually Joe Biden.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

I don’t why the Republican response to the SOTU should be anything other than “Wow. Did you get a load of that guy?”

“If you’re wondering why I’m standing here quietly, it’s because I’m imagining you all naked and I’m very thorough.” #PossibleSOTUSpeech

BREAKING: President Obama is suing Gawker for leaking the text of the SOTU.

I’d have to be making a lot of money as a professional pundit before I’d ever consider watching the SOTU.

Sounds like whoever was in charge of the country while Obama was president really screwed up.

Oh, Obama tried to crowd surf, but the representatives didn’t catch him. Always a big mistake in the SOTU.

The way Obama keeps adding “I’m really smart!” after each of his points isn’t having the effect he’s intending.

Worst part of SOTU was where Obama said, “Freedom, religion, and the sun must be destroyed for my plan to work.”

Unless you were officially licensed by Obama, you had to refer to the SOTU as the “big speech” in ads to not get sued.

Obama’s idea to decrease the deficit by increasing spending on Opposite Day doesn’t sound like a great plan.

Obama’s idea to avoid war in Iran – bomb them and then blame it on the Jews – is better than most his ideas so far.

The part where Obama tried to get the Republicans to sing “Imagine” along with him was really awkward.

The president is just bitter because he knows that if the economy turns around now, Macklemore will get all the credit.