Speaking at his annual news conference in Moscow, Russia’s President weighed in on the recent US Presidential election, with words of praise for the victor.

“I like Trump,” said Putin. “Good man. Can not handle his vodka, though. Baby tiny hands too small to grip glass. Cute, like watching infant baby bear try to drink out of bottle. But baby bear grow up, become fun to wrestle. Trump get bigger hands, maybe we wrestle, too.”

Is nice globe. Red part is Russia. Silver part is New Russia. US drawn on with dry erase. Will wipe off globe soon.

“Soon must make policy with baby-bear-hand man,” continued Putin. “Will revolve around nuclear weapons. Will be like good old days of Cold War, except Russia victorious. Baby hands too small to push launch button.”

“But I tease Trump,” laughed Putin. “Is worthy opponent. Except weak, like schoolgirl. Maybe should lift something heavier than hairbrush. Be more like Putin. Tie wolves to stick, lift over head. Repeat until not ashamed to take off shirt.”

After discussing the warm international relations he expected to have with Trump, his face darkened as he criticized Hillary and the Democrats.

“Do not get me wrong,” said Putin. “Am respecting Hillary. Is woman of sturdy hips, like good plowhorse. But always whining. Blaming others. Like Ukranians running from Russian tanks.

“All Democrats whine,” Putin continued. “Big sore losers everywhere. Blame Russians. Say we hack servers and emails and Wall Street and national security and everything. Not true. Also, emails boring. All fat Hillary yoga pictures.

“And launch codes?”, concluded Putin, “now 1-2-3-4-5, like idiot would have on luggage”.