There’s a giant hook coming for me from the side of the stage, isn’t there?

NEW YORK (AP) – The CBS television network has announced that Stephen Colbert has been fired from his position as host of “The Late Show” over controversial remarks that he made about President Donald Trump.

Late Show producer Chris Licht said that the move was “unavoidable”.

“CBS is in the business of entertainment, and if you offend your viewers, they stop watching, then nobody advertises on the show. Nobody advertises, we don’t make any money, which – as anyone who doesn’t work for the government knows – isn’t a viable business model. Colbert had to go because I like eating and making my Ferrari payments.”

Long-time Colbert associate, Jon Stewart, while shocked, said he still couldn’t fault CBS’s decision.

“As comedians, when people say ‘don’t cross the line’, we like to respond ‘there’s a line?,'” said Stewart, “but we know darn well there’s a line. There are just some things you don’t say in public. Even if those things are true. Like the fact that it’s been decades and so far no one has figured out that I’m actually Rush Limbaugh. But I’d never say that out loud because, even though it’s true, I’d lose my entire audience if they ever found out. My career would be over. This interview’s off the record, right?”

During a post-firing televised press conference, a subdued and apologetic Colbert tried to make belated amends to his fans.

“I admit that it was wildly inappropriate to say what I said, and until it was out of my mouth, I didn’t realize how offensive it was. I thought people would just giggle awkwardly and let it go. I was wrong. And I would like to formally apologize for saying ‘maybe Trump’s not such a bad guy after all.'”

The final remark brought a slew of hurled tomatoes, lettuce heads, and tofu burgers before Colbert was hurried offstage and whisked away to an undisclosed locations.