Hey, fellow guys who distrust government surveillance — and what the gov’t might do as a result!

Gals, too, but all the ones I know have a badge and a weapon strapped to their thighs, and hate to be called gals, so we keep away from them. They kind of clank when they walk.

How’s that Red Wave going?

Did you know that the Washington Monument is once again open for visitors?

Why don’t you come visit, visitors? No waiting at all!! You won’t get — I have an idea; bring an American flag! — you won’t get shot this time. Honestly. We’re waving people in! Red Wave! Send the Army chick in first, if you don’t trust us.

And even if you did get in a teensy bit of trouble with our prison guards, a “speedy trial” is an eighteenth-century concept, which evolved over two thousand years of delicious experience — but over which, you know, a “living document” like the Constitution can still prevail, more certainly than your own personal constitution can. We’ve seen that. One guy committed suicide. But maybe that’s the point.

Well, Cheerios. (Oh, pro tip: they’re going to be in short supply soon. Maybe you can buy Costco-O’s.) We’ll be checking in. (I know: “Tell me something I don’t already know” . . . right?)

{Dons sunglasses, plays something from The Who.}

{Clicks on possibility of joining Lindsey Graham’s safari junket to Africa.}

{Accidentally shoots off pistol while back-flipping on disco floor.}