Gore has been steaming about the election for so long that his circuits have now completely blown, and, like any good robot, he has reverted to his default programming of “kill all humans.” In a new article from Time, Gore says that Bush’s economic agenda is “catastrophic,” his foreign policy “horrible,” his environmental stance “immoral.” “Destroy! Destroy!” Gore added, flaying his arms wildly.
“Our country is headed for very deep trouble,” Gore told Time. “I wish it were not so, but I believe that with all my heart.” Gore’s heart, BTW, is composed of titanium with rubber tubing. In actuality (that’s a pompous way of saying “Actually”; you like it?), Gore’s heart contains no logic functions or memory banks, and thus this statement is further evidence of faulty programming.
“I think that our economic plan has zero chance of working. I think that it is wrong at its core,” Gore continued, his eyes starting to glow red. “I think that our foreign policy, based on an openly proclaimed intention to dominate the world, is a recipe for getting our country in some of the worst trouble it’s ever been in.” He then explained how only Gore-bot can dominate the world, and that all who oppose him will be destroyed.
Gore, the Giant Ogre-like Robotic Entity, also said that Bush has compiled the worst economic record since Herbert Hoover. This is interesting, because it was Hoover who commissioned the creations of the Gore-bot. After being rebuffed by the American people, Hoover became obsessed with the world’s destruction and thus created the Gore-bot to that end. Most people don’t know of Hoover’s secret supervillian alter-ego having mistakenly though his secret was that he dressed in woman’s clothing when they confused him with J. Edgar Hoover.
Despite the smoke visibly emanating from Gore’s ears, 61% of Democrats said they would like to see Gore run for President in 2004. What the article doesn’t mention is that 82% of Republicans would also like to see Gore run for president again in 2004, with 10% thinking that would be too cruel to Gore and the remaining 8% fearing he may go on a bloody rampage when he loses again. This is a legitimate fear, as the Gore-bot is bulletproof and could probably only be brought down by some sort of military EMP weapon. This is quite different from most other Democrats who wish to run for president, as they can usually be subdued by a simple bitch-slapping.
Personally, I would not write off the threat of Gore running for president in 2004. I hear that Tipper, his wife/head engineer, is planning to outfit him with rocket launchers and a rail gun. To be on the safe side, Bush should create some sort of cybernetic, exo-skeleton by 2004, and they should speed up converting Cheney into a cyborg. He will be only half-human, but that still infinitely more human than Gore.
Don’t know if you watch Conan O’Brien, but a couple of nights ago he was talking about how he saw Algore at a Bob Dylan concert and how he was trying to get away from him to talk more to Dylan. (Just as Conan was being introduced to Dylan, Algore went up to Conan and introduced himself.) Anyway, it was pretty funny. And Conan also said that he couldn’t enjoy the concert ‘cos Algore’s goofy “dancing” was distracting him. I love Conan. And he does a good Gore-bot.
From now on, I shall refer to him simply as “Hymie”.
He sums up the Bush foreign policy so well. We just want to “dominate the world”. That’s it, Al. We’re just really damned incompetent at it, aren’t we? We currently have governmental control of the United States and…oh, that’s right, nothing else.
Did Gore miss the 1976-1980 Presidential term? Did he miss the double-digit inflation and unemployment rates under Jimmah Carter? Did he miss that the value of all money in the US halved during Carter’s presidency? Gore is so intellectually repugnant that I almost gag reading his oral diarrhea.
Gore will run in 2004 if the Clintons (who still run the Democrat party) see that defeating Bush will be unlikely. Let Gore take the fall and they get a two-fer: they get to say that the Democrat party needs a new leader and they permanently banish Al Gore to obscurity. If I were a high-taxing, class-warfare, anti-military, anti-protect US citizens, anti-border patrol, pro-criminal Democrat like Hillary Clinton, I’d run with that idea.
I’d be encouraged, Addison, but they seem to have changed the play book and didn’t tell anyone.
It used to be that ex presidents went away too. The only time you saw them was when they lined up at some official function, looking like casket models.
Clinton, despite the fact that he’s now John Q Citizen again, won’t go away and keeps talking about stuff as if we give a hoot. Someone ought to hire someone who looks like a reporter, get a plastic camera, and follow the idiot around all day (for months) telling him that his daily life is being broadcast on CSPAN–a real life Truman movie. Of course, he won’t really BE on TV, but it will keep kim away from the other TV cameras.
I have this eerie feeling that when Al loses again, he’ll STILL keep whining and complaining. It will be like Halloween and Chuckie movies–they’ll just keep being reborn. Gore 12, Gore 13, etc.
As usual, I have an excellent idea…
Now that we control Congress and can do anything we want, and while are are waiting for the mind control chips to reach full mass production and the helicopters are being given a final coat of black paint, I propose that we pass the following legislation:
It shall now be federal law that Jonathan Harris must attend all Algore political functions, speeches and appearances. He shall have a small microphone on the same frequency as Algore’s. Whenever Algore makes a pronouncement, such as “George Bush has destroyed our economy,” Jonathan ‘Dr. Smith’ Harris shall immediately respond with “Silence, you Maladriot Mechanism!”
Algore: Our country is headed for very deep trouble…
JH: Nonsense, you Disreputable Dunce!
Algore: I wish it were not so, but I believe that with all my heart.
JH: Spare me your transistorized terrors, you Automated Oaf!
Algore: I think that our economic plan has zero chance of working. I think that it is wrong at its core.
JH: Must you torment us with this cackling cacophany, you Bumbling Bucket of Bolts! Oh, the pain, the pain!!
Algore: I think that our foreign policy, based on an openly proclaimed intention to dominate the world, is a recipe for getting our country in some of the worst trouble it’s ever been in.
JH: Enough of your bionic bloviating, you Lily-Livered Lead-Lined Lump! Spare us you histrionic historical hysteria, oh mumblimg Mass of Metal!
Algore: I—.
JH: PLEASE! Have you no shame, you Silicon Simpleton! You Traitorous Transistorized Tin Plated Tintinnabulation!
Algore: If you’d just—.
JH: You Misguided Mechanical Misery! Doddering Digital Dunderhead!
Algore: But—.
JH: Malodorous Mechanical Marvel! Clanking Collection of Condensers! Astigmatic Automaton! Cantankerous Cold Hearted Clod!
And so on, until Algore freezes, his medallion starts to glow white, and he starts mubling “Norman, coordinate!” until he collapses into rigid unconciousness.
I thought “Hymie” was rigidly unconcious during the entire 2000 campaign.
Frank, I love you.
Lori, of course I watch Conan O’Brien. Comedy Central replaying him at 7pm is one of the best things to happen to TV since they started syndicating the Simpsons.
addison, we need to work hard to make sure Hilary Clinton is banished from this country (and, hopefully also this planet) before she ever has a chance to run for higher office.
Mrs. du Toit, I’m sure there is a way to kill Gore permanently. I’ll try to do some research on it.
Whittle, LOL, that is an excellent idea… except I thought I heard that Johnathan Harris died recently.
Rachel, I love you too, but I don’t think it will ever work out between us. You have your restuRANT to think of.
Ken, Hymie?
Ouch, that hurt, Frank.
Am I the only one old enough to remember Get Smart?
I think I remember reading about Get Smart in my history book. Is Hymie that robot where tape would come out his mouth?
Actually, the couch sequence for the Simpsons this past Sunday was a parody of the Get Smart opening sequence.
Yep, that’s Hymie.
Hair pasted to his head.
Gait like a walking fencepost.
Did exactly what his handlers programmed him to do.
Spits out preprinted nonsense (hey, I’d forgotten about the tape!)
Fits the Gore-bot rather well, don’t you think?
And don’t think that “history book” crack will be forgotten, you young whippersnapper! It may be hell to get old, but it’s worse not to. (Why, I even remember that Paul McCartney had a band before “Wings”)
I remember Get Smart. Johnathon Harris died? That’s a shame. He was a nice man. I met him when I was a little girl and a HUGE fan of Lost in Space. I met him again about 8 or 9 years ago (he was one of my clients). I liked him.
I s’pose that next you’re going to tell me that something is wrong with Superman?
Um…Frank, you may want to check out the above comment, assuming you see this.
Never mind; comment rescinded.