Hundreds of thousands of Commie Pinko anti-American retards took the streets world-wide Saturday thinking that if people see how a bunch of morons are able to both march and hold signs at the same time then those people will forget their own welfare and the welfare of others and also mindlessly oppose war. There is no exact count of how many protestors attended, but census takers said there was enough incoherence for at least a million schizophrenics. In one place, the protesting got rowdy enough that hoses were used to keep them back. People then had a second thought about it, stopped the hoses, sprayed the protestors with soap, and then turned on the hoses again.
President Bush, though not agreeing with their viewpoints, expressed he was happy they all lived in a society where differing ideas could be expressed.
“STUPID FILTHY SMELLY HIPPIES!” he screamed at the beginning of his press conference.
“So will all the protest have any effect on your stance on Iraq?” asked a reporter.
Bush rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Saddam can gas whomever he wants; the mangy hippies have spoken. I just wish there was a way America could save the world for all the serious people and leave the drooling scummy hippies still vulnerable to terrorists.”
“So you want the protestors dead?”
Bush smiled. “Wouldn’t that be cool. All of them in hippy hell, where there are no signs to carry, no tie-dye shirts to wear, everyone has to have short hair and be clean-shaven, everyone has to work a regular job, and no pot smoking. And I could make it happen too. Just one phone call I could have helicopters strafing these protesters, killing them by the thousands. And no idiotic slogan they could chant could stop a bullet.” He continued to smile quietly for a moment, but then changed to a more serious expression. “But I don’t, because I’m just that tolerant and kind. They do everything they can to make me want to slaughter them, but I leave them unkilled. Do they understand how much will that takes? Do they ever say, ‘Hey, thanks for not having me killed, President Bush, even though I’m a filthy scummy worthless hippy deserving of a violent hippy death.’? No, they never give me any credit.” Bush stewed in his anger for a few moments. “It makes me want to murder them!”
“So you think the protestors should be more grateful of you?”
“Hell yeah. Do you know I even had Condi distract Rumsfeld with a World War II movie marathon so he wouldn’t spend all day strangling hippies? He’s going to have crippling arthritis if we don’t keep him from doing all that strangling.
“Anyway, my point is, I just want those protestors to stop for one moment and think that if America really is as evil and imperialistic as they say, then why aren’t they dead? If they think we just want oil, hell, we could take over the entire world and have not just all the oil in the world, but all the gold, all the diamonds, all the chimpanzees and orangutans, and all the corndogs. And who could stop us? France? We could be nuking away while those dinguses would be trying to negotiate with us. Those weenies in Europe could never mobilize in time to stop us from world conquest. But we don’t do take over the world, and you know why?”
“Hadn’t thought of it until now?” ventured one reporter.
“No, because we’re just that benevolent. We have all this power, and we don’t just slaughter everyone we dislike even though it would be a simple thing to do so. We even try to help other countries instead of just conquering them. All these smelly hippies should bow before us and thank us daily for allowing them the privilege of their filthy hippiness. But they just yell at me, and makes me just want to beat them. I wish one were here right now so…”
“No blood for oil!” shouted a mangy hippy who had snuck into the press conference.
“Thank you God.” Bush said looking skyward before jumping towards the man screaming, “HIPPY!!!” He then pounded him soundly, finishing him off with a Texas two-step. “Hope that was a learning experience for the young man,” Bush said as he ambled back to the podium.
“So is your policy to injure but not kill hippies?”
“Why are you guys always grilling me? Can’t we just talk friendly like for a change? So, did everyone see the 300th episode of The Simpsons last night?”
No one responded.
“You guys are freaks,” Bush said with disgust. He then pulled out a revolver and started firing at their feet. “Now dance!” The reporters quickly fled.
“Bush was just a little high strung by the congregation of all those filthy stinking hippies,” Press Secretary Ari Fleischer explained at a later press conference. “His firing a gun at you was all in good fun.”
“Was the gun loaded with real bullets or just blanks?” asked a reporter.
Fleischer sighed. “Yeah, Bush carries a gun filled with blanks; that’s makes lots of sense,” Fleisher responded in a mocking tone. “God you guys ask the dumbest questions.”