Last week Bill Gates was awarded an honorary knighthood by England’s Queen Elizabeth. I can’t believe she actually thinks that sucking up to America’s billionaires by letting them put “Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire” on their resume is going to make up for burning down the White House.
Some of us haven’t forgotten 1812, Queenie.
That aside, it seems there are a lot of misconceptions about knighthood and knights in general. Which is a good thing, because that means that Americans still realize that royalty and nobility are stupid ideas, and the only good use for a Queen is playing her on top of an opposite-colored King.
Monarchy – BOO! HISS!
However, if you’re planning a trip to Englandia, it might make you look like less of a retard if you understood some of the local cultural traditions, like the proper way for peasants to wallow in mud, and (in the extended entry) these:
- Knighthood is only bestowed on those men who demonstrate the highest levels of bravery, loyalty, and chivalry. And Paul McCartney, on whom the Queen had a crush.
- An honorary knight is just like a regular knight, in that he’s allowed to wear the really cool armor. However, the honorary knight isn’t allowed to say “Ni!”
- Knights were originally called “nights” because of their almost supernatural ability to fight in total darkness. The spelling was changed because those wacky British are always adding extra letters to perfectly good words.
- Or “wourds”, as they say in England
- They were going to call them “niughts”, but England’s supply of silent u’s was already dangerously low.
- They also thought about “ninjas”, but that was already taken.
- The British STILL hate the Japanese for that.
- Traditionally, knights were classified as either “white” or “black”, depending on whether they were good or evil. In the modern system, however, knights are classified as “blue”, “green”, “yellow”, “orange”, or “red” – depending on their threat level.
- French knights are always “yellow”, but only because the French classification system is based on bravery.
- By a strange quirk of eytmology, French knights were ALSO once called “nights”. This was because of their almost supernatural abilty to drop their weapons and run screaming like girls in total darkness.
- King Arthur’s knights were seated at a round table as a symbol of their equality. They originally wanted a dodecagonal table, but the 150-degree angle hadn’t been invented yet.
- A knight’s most feared weapons were his lance and his laser heat-vision.
- In a battle between Aquaman and a knight, Aquaman would be impaled on the lance and laser-fried like a crispy fish stick.
- Knights were frequently called upon to fight fire-breathing dragons. The main danger from a dragon, though, was not his fire, but his ability to lie convincingly. The dragon would pretend to be the knight’s friend, convince the knight that they were on the same side, and – once he had the knight’s trust – betray him. Much like what modern-day journalists do to American soldiers.
If I missed any important knight-related information, you can use the comments to spackle in the gaps in my knowledge.
First again! Just as i got back from that addictive game of the last post…
“Or “wourds”, as they say in England” – too funny Harvey.
laser-fried fish sticks.
yummy.
Yellow French Nights? Hmm…
Legend has it, the French were quite the warriors once. Mind you, it is only a legend, but I hear that the French were quite big on impailing, hacking, chopping, etc. I hear that it is only within the last 100 years or so that they have come to suck ass, as it were, in the bravery department.
In a battle between Aquaman and a knight, Aquaman would be impaled on the lance and laser-fried like a crispy fish stick.
n0t kewl, do0d!!11! 4qu4/\/\an w0uld pwn 7ha7 kn16ht5 a$$@!@!!!
AQUAMAN ROXORS!!!!221
Legend has it, the French were quite the warriors once.
Yeah, then the hundred years’ war took its toll, and by the end their most successful commander was a little girl.
you people forget that at the time, the french were fighting eachother. So of course the french would win at that point. French Military History lesson:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html
on another note:
Frank, I’m suprised that your research turned up no information on the Dark Knight: Batman!
another interesting thing: you know how google has the “I’m feeling lucky” button? type in French Military Victories and then press that button. You’ll get a laugh
i thought that when the French fought eachother, both sides would lose! (or surrender)
Wouldn’t it be hard for a French Knight to carry a “weapon” along with a white flag while holding their arms in the up position while running to the rear… Just wondering…
Knight threat level made me laugh lots. Thank you 🙂
Knights are also famous for driving around in talking cars named “Kit”. This so called “Knight Rider” is also able to rescue women at sea and make the most horrific music known to mankind.
We should send the USS Constitution to Britain in 2012 to mock attack their modern ports, let them think its a funny joke then have a landing crew take ground while they are lauging and run Old Glory up their flagpole and claim their territories for liberal repatriation..
Harvey crack me up. Me like Harvey.
I did enjoy this blog. However I was offended with Pope facts. I let it pass. Now this blog has crossed the line by degrading the 1,000 year insitution of knights. Do the writers of this web site know no shame? Is nothing sacred. I am afraid I can no longer read this heresy. As we speak a Holy Modern Crusade is being organized against IMAO. May God and the Queen have mercy on your souls.
Leni – you’re a little late to this particular dance. The Axis of Naughty has been trying to destroy Frank for well over a year now:
http://wizbangblog.com/archives/000619.php
Their success has been… limited.
As for what is sacred, well, the Almighty Dollar is pretty cool…
[Some of us haven’t forgotten 1812, Queenie]
Does anyone remember the original 13th Amendment? The British in that war burned down every courthouse that had a copy of it. Except one – in Maine.
It said no one can accept a title from a foreign government and be an American, or something like that. That would mean no lawyers in Congress. No wonder they started a war over it.
Does anyone else find Aquafan as annoying as I do?
Probably a 16-year-old acne-encrusted anti-Luddite who just figured out that 0’s look a whole lot like O’s.
Hey Undercover Hippie,
I’m betting that aquafan is really aquaman. He’s found a new way to be totally annoying.
As for the whole knight thing; it’s a worthless title here in the South. We already call men “sir” just because it’s good manners.
From Section 9 of Article I of the Constitution of the United States of America: “No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State.”
Does not apply to private citizens.
Amendment XIII
Section 1. If any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim receive or retain any title of nobility or honour, or shall, without the consent of Congress, accept and retain any present, pension, office or emolument of any kind whatever, from any emperor, king, prince or foreign power, such person shall be incapable of holding any office of trust or profit under them, or either of, them.
Section 2. The Constitution of the United States, as amended in accordance with the provisions of Article V, on March 12, 1819.
Can you say “Esquire?” I especially like the ‘whatever’ part.
According to Frank’s “Did You Know…” last week:
…the word “ninja” wasn’t coined until the 70’s.
Harvey says the English wanted to use Ninja, but it was already taken. I know for a fact that Knight was being used prior to the 70’s
Methinks Harvey makes stuff up!
Amendment XIII was just a clarification: “You can’t have received a title in the past and become a government official, either.”
LOL! Okay, Harvey, you are completely exonerated for the lap dance post.
You forgot that the first Whitehouse burnt down by the English was made of straw.
Wise wourds, Haurvey 🙂
I thought the big bad woulf blew the straw house down…
Um…why couldn’t the Englandese just add a K to ninja instead of making up this “knight” word? Kninja has a nice ring to it, though it might mean something naughty in Japanish.
“Methinks Harvey makes stuff up!”
If you’re calling me a journalist, I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to step outside 😛
According to Frank’s “Did You Know…” last week:
…the word “ninja” wasn’t coined until the 70’s.
Harvey says the English wanted to use Ninja, but it was already taken. I know for a fact that Knight was being used prior to the 70’s
Methinks Harvey makes stuff up!
Posted by ford4x4 at March 7, 2005 12:03 PM [/Quote]
duh… frank ment the 870s not the 1970s