On Friday I asked IMAO Fans for advice on some tough decisions I had to make regarding if I should break the promise I made to myself about not seeing the next Star Wars movie (even if it was free) and the radio talk show I was producing/co-hosting on Saturday. The lineup of expert panelists I’d found (mostly from organization in and around Seattle, near the show’s studios) to discuss the “Big Tent of Ideas” on Republican Radio were all upper income, old, white Protestant males.
As per the advice of IMAO Fans, I’m going to see Episode III, but the Republican Radio outcome was very controversial…
Archive of entries posted on April 2005
Questions for Glenn Reynolds
(A Filthy Lie)
The vile and despicable puppy-blender will be attending the BlogNashville wing-ding next weekend. Sadly, I will be unable to attend due to outstanding warrants in Tennessee (hey… she LOOKED 18). However, if I’d been able to make it, and if I’d been able to get some face-time with that over-rated ambulance-chaser, I’d have had a few questions for him, which I’ll list in the extended entry
I’ve got some tough decisions…
I have a couple of tough decisions to make in the next 24 hours and hope that the IMAO Fans can help a brother out:
1) I am co-hosting the Republican Radio talk show tomorrow here in Seattle (broadcast live from 11am-1pm Pacific Time on the Internet via the Universal Talk Network) and I’m frustrated with the guests they’ve got lined up: Dr. James Marlowe of the Evergreen Historical Preservation Society, Trevor Cranston-Smythe with Washingtonians for Liberty, and William Pitts, the co-founder of the Legal Immigration Foundation. My problem is that none of these guys sound very exciting and they all sound like the old rich WASP everyone thinks of when they hear the word “Republican.” Should I be worried about reinforcing a stereotype?
2) My day job is offering to send me to a private screening of Star Wars Episode III for free, but I have already promised myself that after Episodes I and II that I wouldn’t be screwed again by George Lucas. Should I break my own promise and take the free ticket?
Deep, meaningful conservation shall ensue in the Comments section, I’m sure!
Still Resting Up
I decided to still rest up today, but I’ll be back Monday with the next part to IMW: Aw, Hell. Also, I’m having my crack research staff look into the Minority Leader, Harry Reid. Plus, the whole IMAO gang has a number of different projects brewing.
Now, some blegging. The wedding will probably be in December, and we’re thinking of honeymooning in Australia. Any tips on how to make a good vacation packages and any info from some locals? All help will be appreciated.
Crappy Birthday, Saddam
The boys over at Cox & Forkum remind us that yesterday was Saddam Hussein’s 68th birthday. I should have gotten him something, but I had trouble deciding:
* Jalepeno underwear
* Razor blade mattress
* Bandsaw eyebrow plucking
* Plastic shredder shoes
* Cheese grater manicure
* Columbian necktie
* Hot wax eyedrops
* Rabid weasel bath
* Ben Gay Q-tip ear cleaning
* Anthrax omelette
* Tarantula enema
Got any suggestions?
A Post – by Ducky the Bull
Hi Gang.
RightWingDuck here. You know, I’ve been reading the paper and following these mobsters that got picked up by the FBI. These guys are accuses of a lot of stuff – some of them murders that go back 20 years.
What’s weird is that these guys are upset that we would even THINK that they are mobsters. See, it’s okay for your business card to read, Sammy The Snake
it’s another thing to have the job title: Legitamite Businessman.
That got me to thinking…
What Mob Nicknames would YOU give some of our favorite public figures?
Here are my nickname entries along with an overview of their “mob profile”
President Bush: Junior
Don’t let his name lead you astray. He’s the one man you can’t mess with. Don’t let the broken crayons fool you.
VP Cheney. Dick “The Chiropractor”
He’ll @#& break your back in a VP debate if you mess with him.
Laura Bush: The Hush Puppy
This sweet librarian requests that you keep it down. Or you’ll be dealing with Chiro and Junior.
Senator Ted Kennedy: Teddy “The Liver”
You can mess with him – but there’s a two drink minimum.
Senator Kerry: Johnny “The Weathervane”
The only mobster to belong to ALL of the major mob families!
Former President Clinton: Billy “The Zipper” Clinton
Loves the cigars, the ladies, and ladies with cigars. Also likes sex. What the hell are you lookin’ at? Oh, how YOU doin’?
Senator Clinton: Hilllary “The Nutcracker”
Get your damn hands off my husband.
Former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger: Sandy Scissorpants
Evidence, shmevidence. Stick it in his pants. It’s as good as gone. Why yes, he IS happy to see you.
Howard Dean: Howie “The Scream”
This screaming mad dog of a Democrat is mad. And he hates Republicans and everthing they stand for. Great for children’t parties.
Film maker Michael Moore: Mikey “The Equator”
He’s big. He’s fat. He’s big and fat. Also makes movies. Has video evidence that George Bush shot JFK. It’s already up for an Oscar.
**
Now it’s YOUR turn.
Let’s start handing out those cool nicknames. Who comes to mind? Dan Rather? George Soros? Maureed Dowd?
Post in comments.
The First! Carnival of Comedy
First!
That’s right, first.
Welcome, one and all to the……
first,
the prime,
the initial,
the primordial,
the instigational,
the premier,
the maiden,
the earliest,
the original,
the pioneer,
the primary,
the beginning,
the inaugural,
Carnival of Comedy.
Don’t all those synonyms for ‘first’ line up look a lot like the numeral one? Well, who cares what you think? I think they do and I am your host, spacemonkey.
This carnival of comedy is going to be more fun than a barrel full of… submissions. You thought I was going to say more fun than a barrel full of monkeys, didn’t you? Admit it, you did. Well, hah! I’m proud to say I resisted the urge.
What? I said it anyway? Well, crap. I told myself and TOLD myself I wasn’t going to bring up monkeys. Frank J. hates them (monkeys) so. Then what do I do? I bring up monkeys. Great.
Man.
But I can’t let my failures as host stop me. I must move on, there’s a Carnival of Comedy to start.
Speaking of submissions (remember? I was talking about the submissions a while back, before I got on the monkey bent) we do have a barrelful. Not a literal barrel, of course. As that would just be silly. I suppose I could print them out, I guess and they might fill a notebook. But saying a notebook-full of submissions isn’t as nearly as funny as a barrel full of, not monkeys, but submissions. Is it? I don’t think so.
A notebook-full of monkeys might actually be funnier than both of the other sayings, but it would be inaccurate seeing as I have Carnival of Comedy submissions and not, in fact, monkeys. I always strive for accuracy. That was why I admitted to not actually having a barrel.
We do have a record number of submissions for a Carnival of Comedy on IMAO if memory serves and it being the first one and all. You’ll have to count them though, the number gets so high I have to take my shoes off to count them and I’m not allowed to do that at work any more. For a few reasons that I won’t go into here.
That said, the number of submissions is, like, WAAAAY more than 10 as you can see for yourself. Unless, of couse, you are a total moron, then I suppose you’ll just have to take my word for it. Even I can tell its more than 10. I wouldn’t need to take my shoes off otherwise.
Of course, I don’t think there are any total morons who read this site regularly. But it is a special day after all and there might be some who were brought in by bus for the occasion.
As hoped, the submissions range all over the comedy spectrum from funny pictures to essays to lists to howtos, there’s even an ebay auction.
Enough lead in I suppose so lets all take our shoes off (if we are allowed), kick back, put the drinks away and on the count of one, start the carnival.
All Ready? All together.
I’m Sick and Joe’s Hot
Sorry for no post, but I’m home sick. I got woken up this morning, though, by a call from my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, in Iraq. Says he’s really getting good with his Arabic and the locals are all friendly. A lot of the time they aren’t doing much, so the military has a bunch of signs up saying, “Complacency Kills.” Now everyone wants to name his tank “Complacency” since “Complacency Kills.”
Joe also says nothing is as bad or as good as either side would make things out, so take all news with a grain of salt. Anyhoo, I’m getting back to bed. Be honorable, ronin.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Thursday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
In England, Channel 5 has announced plans to air a hip, edgy reality series — LIVE plastic surgery.
Do they mean live-live? Yes, as in the coverage features real plastic surgery in action!!
Imagine having to be the play-by-play team on THAT one.
“What’s he doing now, Jim.”
“Well, Bob, Dr. Smythe appears to be using the number 5 scalpel”
“Why do you think he’s doing that?”
“Well, Bob. If you recall, he hurt his shoulder in the Johnston liposuction.”
“Indeed.”
In yet another ground-breaking move, Channel 5 launched an even edgier, hipper new series. “Live Plastic Surgery- Bloopers.”
“What’s he doing now, Jim.”
“Well, Bob, Dr. Smythe appears to be using the number 5 scalpel”
“Why do you think he’s doing that?”
“Well, Bob. If you recall, he left the number 4 scalpel inside Mr. Jones.”
“Indeed. Ha ha. Let’s watch that footage now”
Speaking of surgical bloopers–
The Michael Jackson trial is still just too much fun to watch.
Debbie Rowe, Michael’s ex-wife took the stand today. She was artificially inseminated. And Michael might not even be the father!!
Oh my goodness.
We should have known. Those young kids don’t resemble a young Michael Jackson at all.
On second thought — even Michael doesn’t resemble a young Michael Jackson.
New Weapons for the Troops
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
The best part about starting unprovoked wars of aggression in the Middle East – besides getting to steal all that sweet, sweet oil – is that is leads to the development of fun new weaponry. For example, the enchanting and addictive new XM8 Assault Rifle (see the video here, featuring R. Lee Ermey).
Using my secret Pentagon connections, I’ve discovered more cool things we can expect to see in the near future, and I’ve listed them in the extended entry:
“The Castle Doctrine” Would Be a Great Name for a Gun
Hey! It’s your favorite Frank J. – The Frank J. – the unquestioned overlord of the blogododecahedron, here to talk about firearms, so listen up.
Now, as you may have heard, a new bill has been signed in my state by Jeb Bush (we have our own Bush in Florida) that changes self-defense laws so that a citizen no longer has to attempt to flee from an attacker before using lethal force. Also, the castle doctrine has been expanded so that you can pretty much blow away any mo’fo’ who breaks into you house – no questions asked (info on bill here; will come into effect October 1st).
Now, the critics, of course, are saying this is going to turn Florida into the “Wild West” as they do about every self-defense. Since there are plenty of states that already have similar laws and don’t have any problems, the critics might as well be arguing the earth is flat. Still, they think that now, anytime someone feels threatened, he’s going to start shooting and we’ll get this:
Continue reading ‘“The Castle Doctrine” Would Be a Great Name for a Gun’ »
Hey Everybody!
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here to bring you the news.
-No, thats Right Wing Duck.
FYI for People Who Are Cool
The trailer for the movie based on the series Firefly is here.
Still have to get SarahK to watch the 14 episodes on DVD, but I have until September.
Tips for smearing an American Idol judge
Disgraced former American Idol contestant Corey Clark (he was the tall semi-guy from a couple of years ago with frizzy hair, a weirdly high Michael Jackson voice, and a penchant for beating up little girls) is peddling a book detailing how AI‘s Pollyanna-ish judge Paula Abdul “paid his expenses and promised to pay $2 million towards his pop career if he kept their romance secret.”
I don’t know who Corey’s ghost writer is, but Corey’s agent shouldn’t have let him write his own book proposal…
C’mon, who here thinks Paula Abdul has two million bucks to throw around? She hasn’t had a hit in over fifteen years, she is just a cast member rather than “producer” of AI(meaning she doesn’t have profit sharing when the show does well), and obviously has to drive her own car rather than have a limo driver.
I know Paula’s a has-been but what kind of idiot never-was would publicly claim: “Paula Abdul said she pay me $2 million if I didn’t tell anyone we had sex”?
Dude, have the sex and take the $2 million… Unless the publisher gave you a $3 million advance on your book, you ain’t gonna get a better deal than that.
AI top 6
songs from the aughts.
Carrie 01 – She is soooo good. Outstanding. I disagree with Randy, she was on key. For the record, I hate the song, one of Martina’s worst songs ever (because I don’t like songs about God-fearin’ women goin’ wild, I’d like to think that God-fearin’ women choose to be good, but anyway…). However, she did an excellent job given what she was singing, and bless Simon, he’s English, and he knows that’s why he doesn’t like county. He’s giving her a record contract whether she wins or not, if I’m a guessin’ girl.
Frank said Paula doesn’t seem drunk tonight, but I say Paula’s trying not to seem drunk, because she understands that we at IMAO are talking.
Bo 02 – That song is too low for him, actually. He was losing the low notes and playing it off as “oops, i accidentally took the mic away too soon”, but Bo, you can’t fool the young muser. 🙂 That said, I adore the outfit, would love to see Frank walk around at Disney World with that on, and I’m voting for Bo tonight.
Frank says that the great thing about Bo is that he’s manly enough that guys can vote for him without feeling gay, unlike Constantine. Poor Constantine the Camera Molester.