Dennis L. Rader, the infamous BTK serial killer, was recently captured in Kansas, where he will soon be tried, convicted, sentenced, drawn, quartered, shot, stabbed, hung, gassed, electrocuted, and/or forced to listen to the Llama Song on endless loop.
An expert interviewed by New York Newsday said that she wasn’t surprised to find out that Rader was the killer, because he was a married father of two, devout official in his Lutheran congregation, one-time Cub Scout leader, and by-the-book code enforcement officer, and no one would ever have suspected him.
Therefore, he fit the profile and was obviously guilty.
Yeah… I’m confused, too.
Now, I’m sure that many IMAO readers know some upstanding community leaders, and are now asking themselves “Is my neighbor a serial killer? Should I call the police? Should I kill him first and hide his body in a shallow grave?”
The answer is, of course, “yes” to all of the above. So get kill’n.
For those of you who didn’t just get up from your computers to self-defensively murder your neighbors, I present (in the extended entry) this

Continue reading ‘Illustrated Guide to Serial Killer Identification’ »

Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck, Here to share the news.
I’d like to start off with a little bit of bad news.
Bubba the lobster is dead. There was a lot of controversy when this 22 pound lobster was fished out of the ocean. Some wanted him saved, others boiled. Finally, the restaurant owner donated him to an aquarium — where he died the next day.
Many will be showing up to mourn his passing. They’ll come bearing candles, flowers, and melted butter.
Please show at at 7:00 P.M with your mourning bibs.
The GlobalFlyer will be touching down after flying around the world without refueling!
This is really awesome because at first, they weren’t sure how he had somehow lost about 2,600 pounds of fuel.
What’s more embarrassing, he also seems to have lost his luggage!
Most of the plane is constructed to hold the fuel. His personal space in the cockpit has just enough room for him to lean back and take cat naps.
So not only did he travel around the world — it appears he did it while traveling in coach.
You want to really impress me, put a screaming baby in the back row. Then let’s see how he does.

Continue reading ‘RWD’s News Round-up – Thursday’ »

American Civil Liberties Union lawyers on behalf of atheist and non-Christian Americans are petitioning the Supreme Court in a new crusade. Emboldened by their success at removing the small gold cross from the County of Los Angeles seal. The group has rallied around the notion of removing the ‘cross looking’ letter from the English language in America since it bears resemblance to the familiar Christian symbol.

Alber Whie, an ACLU counsel who legally had the letter moved from his name earlier this month and doesn’t pronounce it either, speaks on behalf of the ACLU.

The American Civil Liber-ies Union feels i- is a viola-ion of sepera-ion of church and s-a-e -o con-inue -o include Chris-ian symbols in governmen-.

Our pe-i-ion is -ha- the le–er in ques-ion be s-ricken from all public names, places, governmen- buildings, and cons-i-u-ional ins-i-u-ions and replaced wi-h -he secular non religious dashmark. In o-her words ‘Montana’ would become ‘Mon-ana’, President becomes Presiden-, ‘Texas’ will s-ill be ‘Texas’ because i- has a capi-al ‘T’ and no- -he offensive lowercase varie-y.

Whie also asked that the media stop calling this effort a “crusade”, for what he said were “obvious reasons.” He added he felt a compromise could be possible if the lower case ‘t’ were simply flipped upside down.

Fake News from spacemonkey, brought to you by the letter ‘-‘.

You damn, fool non-underwater-breathing humans! Get your clumsy hands off my ocean friends!
Do not bother me. I must have a day of mourning.

…if it weren’t for the little holes on in the view-window of the microwave, your brain would explode as you stared at your pasta reheating.
…the amount of pork Ted Kennedy has eaten in his lifetime has done more to help small farmers than any farm bill he helped pass.
…if you walk up to William Shatner and yell, “Denny Crane!” he’ll punch you a little less hard if you walked to him and did that Vulcan salute thing with the fingers.
…my living will states that a loaded gun will be placed in my hand in case someone tries to remove my feeding tube.
…you’ll die sad and lonely.
…car alarms, in their existence, have prevented hardly any auto thefts and caused over a hundred second degree murders.
…the most powerful martial art is Ching-Ching Pow.
…the reason Riemann Hypothesis has never been proven is because it’s wrong.
…quantum physics is proof that, when God was trying to get the laws of the universe to work together, at some point He finally just gave up and exclaimed, “Aww, @#$% this!”
…God can swear all he wants because He’s God.
…the male platypus is poisonous and a total freak of nature.
…you burn more calories chewing celery than you gain from eating.
…the same can’t be said for the ranch dressing you dip it in, fat ass.
…the corporation Microsoft has gotten where it is today though hard work, by offering a superior product, and because of the will of Satan.
…nothing can ever be “proved.”
…including the previous statement.
…the word “ninja” wasn’t coined until the 70’s.
…that didn’t keep them from killing people well before then.
…you are currently contributing to entropy that will lead to the heat-death of the universe.
…it’s within the laws of physics that the atoms of whatever you’re currently sitting on or standing on could line up in such a way that you could fall right through it as if it didn’t exist.
…if that happens to you, please tell me.
…or have your next of kin tell me.
…but don’t e-mail me.
…it’s illegal in most states to set a hippy on fire.
…if you dive for cover while firing two gun simultaneously, your accuracy will be significantly decreases and your coolness will significantly increase.
…I don’t believe in ghosts but I still wish I had bullets to shoot them with.
…or a shot shell.
…the little girl in The Exorcist got possessed because she played with a Ouija board.
…I once played with an Ouija board at school and then a demon tried to possess me. I scared it away by hitting it on the nose.
…the phrase “The Power of Christ compels you!” is such more elegant than “Get out of that girl ‘fore Jesus kicks your ass, you @#$% devil.”
…Pope John Paul II has done numerous exorcisms.
…I don’t know what phrase he uses.
…if your car is spinning out, steer with the spin.
…or against the spin.
…well, just don’t slam on the brakes.
…Protestants and Catholics have different versions of the Ten Commandments.
…either way, don’t murder anyone.
…if someone comes running at you with an ax, check to see if he’s a fireman, because, if he isn’t, he might mean you harm.
…some times ax is spelled “axe.” Anyone ever do a cost saving analysis on not using these unneeded letters?
…I know they cost me one byte of storage space a piece.
…half a byte is a nibble.
…half a nibble is a crumb.
…half a crumb is a bit.
…half a bit is just crazy.
…a nibble corresponds to one hex digits.
…42 converted to hex is 2A.
…there is also the octal number system, but I’ve never seen anyone use it.
…if you use it in front of me, I’ll punch you.
…having typed this much, I’d be surprised if one homophone error doesn’t slip by me.
…and I don’t care.
…Jesus loves you.
…I can’t vouch for anyone else’s feelings.

Dude, I like accidentally left my computer on at home downloading e-mail, so I can’t check any e-mail until after work. Thus don’t e-mail me.
Then again, I hardly read e-mails when I get them. I’m almost to a thousand unread e-mails. Unless it’s like really important and involves me getting lots of money, just put your thoughts in the comments.
Anyway, don’t bother e-mailing me.