(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: So are there any more questions or concerns about the vaccinations before we move on?

Galid: I am confused. You made mention of a stretch goal. What is this? I have not heard of such a thing.

Habib: Me neither. I assumed it deals with the hanging of homosexuals. That is the only stretching I have ever done on the job.

Ahmed: Except for the stretching you do before raping and pillaging to avoid sprains and strains.

Habib: Huh?

Ahmed: Do you even pay attention to our training? You probably do not lift with your legs either.

Habib: Were you not listening? We get free healthcare now, praise Allah, so what does it matter if we get injured a little bit? We will be fixed up, Allah willing.

Galid: But what has this to do with stretch goals? I am still confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Galid, just don’t worry yourself about stretch goals, alright. Forget I even said it. It’s not something that the cannon fodd- I mean, the valiant foot soldiers need to worry about. It’s boring upper management stuff. But before we get into the new benefits, management has asked us to brainstorm about the newest threat against us from America.

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Ahmed: Death to the Great Satan!

Galid: I spit upon their threat!

Rainmomar (mumbling): 7 minutes to drone strike. 7 minutes. Definitely…definitely 7 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: I really like your enthusiasm, but let’s calm down a bit and discuss this. The Americans-

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, please. Calm down. Yes, we all wish death to America. But let’s put the guns down for just a few minutes. The Great Satan had a conference to discuss how to deal with violent extremism.

Galid: And that is us? We are violent extremism?

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. They consider us violent extremists.

Galid: But I am confused. I always thought we were pretty moderate. I mean, I’ll kill someone who is an infidel, or an apostate, or a Sunni, or someone who insults the Messenger of Allah, or cartoonists, or homosexuals, or rape victims, or people running those stupid marathons in those sexy little shorts, or women wearing yoga pants, or family members who dishonor me in some way, or those douchebags who take up two parking spots, or if I could ever get my hands on that Bill Maher guy, but who wouldn’t? I mean that is just normal, right?

(All nodding assent)

Corporate HR Imam: In the twisted view of the infidel, that is all extreme. There is just no talking to those people. But, like I was saying, they had that conference about how to deal with us, and here is the solution they came up with. There it is up on the screen.  The solution to violent extremism begins in your community.

(All stare quizzically at the screen)

Galid: I am so confused. The solution? I thought violence was the answer. Why else are we striving to bring it to every community, Allah willing?

Ahmed: What does this even mean? Are they arming their communities? Training their children in their schools to fight us? What is this?

Corporate HR Imam: As far as we can tell, they are trying to remove arms from public places, making schools and malls and other public places gun-free zones.

Ali: So our agents do not even have to give up their lives to attack these targets?

Ahmed: Is this a white flag of surrender? Have we won?

(All chanting Dar al Islam and Allahu akbar)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody. Settle down, please. That’s what we are trying to pick everyone’s brains about. This is the latest White House threat against us, and we don’t understand how it threatens us. We don’t even understand it enough to be able to combat it.

Ali: Could it be the economy? Maybe if the American hippies who put that together had jobs?

Galid: I’d rather just kill them, Allah be praised.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 3 minutes to drone strike. Definitely 3, 3 minutes.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)