Archive of entries posted on 11th March 2015

Wisdom of the Day: Cards Schrodinger Ants Girlfriend Magician Burial Sigourney Hands Emails

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Sorry

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I know. I’ve been a bad blogger lately, but it’s been a crazy time for me. Just spent more than a twelve hour day on location for this project we’re filming. Well, I’m not doing much filming; as the writer, my job was mainly to cringe at dialogue that it was too late rewrite. But anyway, it’s pretty cool. I was lead writer for the script, and now stuff I wrote is being made reality by professionals and it is pretty intimidating. I’m just trying to learn stuff — like I now know what a gaffer is. I also know why it can take more than an hour to properly film a one minute piece of dialogue. Anyway, you should get to see the finished result in May, and it will be awesome. It might even be released in 4K (we’re filming it all in 6K).

Also, working on Emergent Order’s SXSW party, dProgram. So if you’re in SXSW this weekend and have an interactive badge, you can stop by the Parish and say hi.

Oh, and I’m still trying to sell my novel, so buy a copy if you haven’t for some reason. And tell your friends. Or even your enemies. And strangers.

So, I’ll try to get back to more blogging… in the future. For now, I should have more stuff going up at PJ Media soon. God bless.

Life With ISIS – Open Enrollment The End

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(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get into the benefits, I want to quickly remind everyone that if you want to be part of the marriage raffle, please get your tickets into the bucket.  We will be drawing as each daughter exits the genital mutilation tent.

Habib: And how many tickets may we enter again?

Corporate HR Imam: Everyone is allowed four wives in total, so you may enter the number of tickets equal to 4 minus the number of current wives you have.

Galid: Wait a minute.  I am confused.  No one said there would be maths.  Death to story problems!  I mean, I can count to twenty-one if I remove my breeches, but how do you expect me to do those subtractions?  Do I look like an autism to you?

Ali: Where is Rainmomar when you need him?

Rainmomar (mumbling): 2 minutes to drone strikes.  Definitely, definitely 2 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: If you have any problems figuring it out, just put in four tickets. If in the end you end up with more than four wives, there are plenty of stones around. We can remedy it.  But let’s deal with that when the time comes. We have some very exciting new benefits now that the caliphate is established. As I mentioned before, under Sharia Law you will all be receiving free healthcare, and I think we can all agree that that is a big f—ing deal.

Galid: Does it cover pre-existing conditions? My daughter can tell you, I have a terrible case of crotch rot.

Corporate HR Imam: Pre-existing conditions will be covered, post-existing conditions will not.  But let’s try and hold off on the questions until the end.  Under Sharia Health Care, or SHC, you are covered for all health issues or treatments mentioned in the Quran.  Anything else would just be ungodly.  We’ll be passing out Qurans to everyone so you can finally read it and see what is in it.

Ahmed: I have a question.  What about my sleepers in America?  They are part of the caliphate, yes?  Are they covered under SHC?

Galid: Yes, everyone in my cells was forced to buy insurance on the exchanges.  It cost so much they could not afford the explosives.  Obamacare alone stopped all of my scheduled attacks for 2014, Allah spit upon it.  Obamacare sounds like a Jewish conspiracy to me.

Corporate HR Imam: We have been made aware of those issues, and we will provide all our sleepers with SHC proof of insurance, so that should solve that problem going forward. I mean, that really is money down the tubes.  How healthy does someone have to be to blow themselves up?

Ali: That is very good news.  Obamacare didn’t even cover my sleeper’s health needs.  Obama said he could keep his doctor if he liked this doctor, but under Obamacare, the old crone he used to go to isn’t even considered a doctor.  It is crazy!

Ahmed: Yes.  And my sleeper’s monthly leachings and bloodletting are not even covered. And they claimed preventative medicine was important.

Ali: Exactly.  It requires to pay for birth control, but then it does not pay to have a camel kick that pregnant whore in the belly or for the supplies needed for the honor killing.  Obamacare does not care about the health of our people.

Galid: Obamacare is racism straight up!

Ali: Death to Obamacare!

Ahmed: Death to America!

(all ululating and shooting guns into the air)

Rainmomar (mumbling): 30 seconds to drone attack.  28 seconds (starts hitting himself on the head and running away)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, calm down everyone.  Please calm down.  Can some of you go and bring back Rainmomar?

(Galid, Habib, Ali and Ahmed run after Rainmomar as the drones fly in and attack.  There are many minutes of wanton destruction)

Corporate HR Imam: Praise Allah the medical coverage isn’t effective until 3/15.  This would break us.

Rainmomar (looking over the aftermath of the attack): 43,569 mujahideen left.  Definitely 43,569.  Paradise definitely needs 478,656 more virgins.  Definitely 478,656.

 

Random Thoughts: Hillary Clinton and the Apple Watch

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My main goal for Superego was to make the story fun, but I do like that some people found it made them think.

Frantically posting a one star review on Amazon: “It’s a cookbook! A COOKBOOK!” #ModernTwilightZone

President Obama claims he just first learned about colors from watching Sesame Street last week.

Haven’t started writing sequel to Superego. Have 2 other novels to finish up first. But you’ll still see it before next Game of Thrones book.

Watched first two episodes of the new Netflix series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Liked it. It was pretty cute.

When will we admit the war on daylight is lost?

Hillary Clinton 2016: “Absolutely everything you hate about politicians. Plus woman.”

Apple Watch? That sounds stupid. I’d only pay maybe $300 for that. Idiots.

Did you know that Curious George was originally a French creation? And instead of being a curious monkey, he was one filled with ennui.

Most stories were just him staring with contempt at the Man in the Yellow Hat while smoking cigarettes.

I can’t get the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt theme out of my head.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt almost feels like an extension of 30 Rock in how it’s exact same humor style. So far, very fun; very upbeat.

I like things to be positive. In my novel Superego, the main character is a psychotic hitman, but I tried to find the positive spin on it.

If you can pay $10,000 for a gold Apple Watch that will be outdated in a year, you’re probably rich enough to dictate what time it is.

You no longer need a $100 a month cable subscription to get HBO. Instead you need $500 Apple devices.

Now that I’m an iOS developer, I’m more interested in WatchKit than the actual watch.

“And we’re not even going to tell you how much the gold Apple Watch costs because if you have to ask, you probably have poor on you.”

Trying to figure out how to justify this to my employer. “I need the gold Apple Watch to make sure our software works with… precious metals.”

Hillary Clinton sure is acting like someone who has nothing to not hide.

Getting pretty excited about our SXSW event. Should be cool. http://www.dprogram.org

I think it’s going to be a big party. I’ve never partied before. I’m not even sure of the mechanics involved.

I think Colin Powell is trying too hard to distract from the big face-plant he did stepping out of his party to support such a doof.

Filming again. I get to learn about exterior shooting.

I’m sure Hillary has a reasonable explanation of the emails that dozens of people have been working for days on.

It was a Kobayashi Maru for Hillary. She could have stayed quiet and looked guilty or spoke and… also looked guilty.

Long day of shooting, but man is this going to look awesome.