(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get into the benefits, I want to quickly remind everyone that if you want to be part of the marriage raffle, please get your tickets into the bucket.  We will be drawing as each daughter exits the genital mutilation tent.

Habib: And how many tickets may we enter again?

Corporate HR Imam: Everyone is allowed four wives in total, so you may enter the number of tickets equal to 4 minus the number of current wives you have.

Galid: Wait a minute.  I am confused.  No one said there would be maths.  Death to story problems!  I mean, I can count to twenty-one if I remove my breeches, but how do you expect me to do those subtractions?  Do I look like an autism to you?

Ali: Where is Rainmomar when you need him?

Rainmomar (mumbling): 2 minutes to drone strikes.  Definitely, definitely 2 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: If you have any problems figuring it out, just put in four tickets. If in the end you end up with more than four wives, there are plenty of stones around. We can remedy it.  But let’s deal with that when the time comes. We have some very exciting new benefits now that the caliphate is established. As I mentioned before, under Sharia Law you will all be receiving free healthcare, and I think we can all agree that that is a big f—ing deal.

Galid: Does it cover pre-existing conditions? My daughter can tell you, I have a terrible case of crotch rot.

Corporate HR Imam: Pre-existing conditions will be covered, post-existing conditions will not.  But let’s try and hold off on the questions until the end.  Under Sharia Health Care, or SHC, you are covered for all health issues or treatments mentioned in the Quran.  Anything else would just be ungodly.  We’ll be passing out Qurans to everyone so you can finally read it and see what is in it.

Ahmed: I have a question.  What about my sleepers in America?  They are part of the caliphate, yes?  Are they covered under SHC?

Galid: Yes, everyone in my cells was forced to buy insurance on the exchanges.  It cost so much they could not afford the explosives.  Obamacare alone stopped all of my scheduled attacks for 2014, Allah spit upon it.  Obamacare sounds like a Jewish conspiracy to me.

Corporate HR Imam: We have been made aware of those issues, and we will provide all our sleepers with SHC proof of insurance, so that should solve that problem going forward. I mean, that really is money down the tubes.  How healthy does someone have to be to blow themselves up?

Ali: That is very good news.  Obamacare didn’t even cover my sleeper’s health needs.  Obama said he could keep his doctor if he liked this doctor, but under Obamacare, the old crone he used to go to isn’t even considered a doctor.  It is crazy!

Ahmed: Yes.  And my sleeper’s monthly leachings and bloodletting are not even covered. And they claimed preventative medicine was important.

Ali: Exactly.  It requires to pay for birth control, but then it does not pay to have a camel kick that pregnant whore in the belly or for the supplies needed for the honor killing.  Obamacare does not care about the health of our people.

Galid: Obamacare is racism straight up!

Ali: Death to Obamacare!

Ahmed: Death to America!

(all ululating and shooting guns into the air)

Rainmomar (mumbling): 30 seconds to drone attack.  28 seconds (starts hitting himself on the head and running away)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, calm down everyone.  Please calm down.  Can some of you go and bring back Rainmomar?

(Galid, Habib, Ali and Ahmed run after Rainmomar as the drones fly in and attack.  There are many minutes of wanton destruction)

Corporate HR Imam: Praise Allah the medical coverage isn’t effective until 3/15.  This would break us.

Rainmomar (looking over the aftermath of the attack): 43,569 mujahideen left.  Definitely 43,569.  Paradise definitely needs 478,656 more virgins.  Definitely 478,656.