(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Now that the dead and wounded have been pushed aside, I think things have settled down enough that we can get back to the safe space training.

Trump Action Figure: Vote for me or I’ll sue you.

Hillary Clinton Doll: Chelsea, get that cigar out of your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody, stop playing with the action figures of death. Right now. Or better yet, pass them all forward. Pass them up. Everybody. That’s right. Pass them up.

Crowd: (grumbling)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, is that all of them? It better be. If I see anyone with one, they will be banned from the goat pen.

(a dozen more action figures are anonymously hurled toward the Imam)

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s get started then. Can anyone tell me what I mean by a safe space?

Ahmed: An underground bunker that will protect us from the weapons of the infidel.

Ali: And from the mighty golem of the Jews.

Galid: Nothing can keep us safe from the golem of the Jews, my friend. That is dark, dark magic.

Corporate HR Imam: Good responses all, but that is not the kind of safe space I am talking about.

Habib: Oh I know. A room with strong air filters to protect us from the mighty flatulence of Ali.

Galid: That is true. We should just put Ali into a dirty bomb. Jerusalem would not be inhabitable again.

Ali: How many times have I told you guys, it is a condition. I can’t help it. This is the way Allah made me. You guys suck! You all suck!

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, good. This is good. This is an example of what I will be talking about. Ali, how did Habib’s and Galid’s comments make you feel.

Ali: Filled with the righteous anger of Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: Really? And what else? Come on. You can tell us.   We are all friends here.

Ali: Angry…..

Corporate HR Imam: And?

Habib: Slightly aroused?

Corporate HR Imam: Let Ali answer, Habib. How did it make you feel?

Ali: And hurt, ok. It hurt my feelings.

Corporate HR Imam: Good Ali. And that is what I am talking about. A safe space is a place where Ali can go and feel safe and secure that no one will make fun of him and hurt his feelings.

Ahmed: I vote that Ali’s safe space be in the middle of the Negev. Surely that is distant enough to keep us safe from the wafting of his noxious fumes.

Ali: Shut up! I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Shall I rape him first, Allah willing?  I’ll be gentle.

Corporate HR Imam: What the….? No raping.  No killing. Save the killing and the raping for the infidels. Within our own camp we all need to feel safe and secure and respected and loved. Ahmed, do you see how what you said, even if it was in jest, could have been hurtful?

Ahmed: Yeah. Maybe. If Ali were a woman.

Galid: Perhaps Ali would feel safer in a burka.

Habib: And the fumes of death would have a harder time escaping the voluminous folds.

Ali: That’s it. I’m gonna behead you all for that. I’ll do it.

Corporate HR Imam: Stop it!  Put down your sword, Ali.  There will be no beheading of anyone until the demonstration following the training. Now let’s all calm down and get back on task or we might not have time for the beheading demonstration at all. What I am seeing here is a pure example of why you all need to learn about safe spaces. Listen carefully while I define a safe space. A safe space is a place where anyone can relax and be able to fully express, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, religious affiliation, age, or physical or mental ability. A place where the rules guard each person’s self-respect and dignity and strongly encourage everyone to respect others.

Ali: What, in the name of Allah? Fully express? Is that even proper Arabic? What does that even mean?

Ahmed: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What part of the Holy Quran are you getting this from?

Galid: Yeah, I am confused. Gender identity and expression? Sexual orientation? Are we not commanded to make the world unsafe for such abominations?

Ali: And tolerance of religious affiliation? I thought there was only one true God, Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. There is no other religion. Is that not why Allah created the scimitar and the stone?

Galid: Are you sure this so-called safe space is not a filthy beguilement of the Jews?   I spit upon the safe spaces.  As Allah is my witness, no space will be safe.

Habib: Surely is Galid’s confusion warranted in this case. For I too am confused. Has not Allah decreed that there are no safe spaces for the homosexual and the infidel? Has not Mohammad said that even the rocks and the trees will cry out to us that ‘here is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill it?’ Should we be more tolerant than these pure creations of Allah?

Corporate HR Imam: Fine. I’ll take your concerns back to corporate. In the meantime, please just sign the training forms so we can get this over with.

Galid: I spit upon the forms of training. They reek of the trickery of the Jews. Are you sure you are not a shape-changing Jew in disguise?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure (hurtling toward the HR Imam, its string dangling from behind): Marty, I think it is possible that you may be your own father. (bounces of the Imam’s chest)

Ali (whispering): So this one decides not to blow up.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, who threw that?

Crowd (no one fesses up)

Corporate HR Imam: Any more attempts at my life and I will cancel the beheading demonstration and make the goat pens off limits for a month. I’m serious. I’ll just assume you all understand about the safe spaces, so let’s quickly move on to the last part of the training: Trigger Warnings.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome warriors of Allah. I’m glad you could make it today. We will be getting to the safe space training in just a minute, but first we have a few items of business to discuss. For those of you who have volunteered to infiltrate the west as refugees, we have ‘restocked’ our inventory of orphans. Check with security after the training and they will issue you your fake IDs and assign you an orphan.  Once you have made it to your assigned country, please don’t forget to recycle your orphans so we can reuse them. Orphans are harder to come by than you might think. Our bombs aren’t that discriminating. Ok, they aren’t discriminating at all. And our warriors have to hide behind somebody.

Crowd: (laughs)

Corporate HR Imam: And don’t forget that following the safe space training, we will be having the special demonstration on proper beheading techniques. But before we get started, we have a special guest with us today. Welcome Ahmed the Clock Boy. With the Caliphate reestablished, it is time to bring the seat of science and technological development back to Islam, and this little prodigy is here to help us make that dream a reality. He has invented something special for us already. Ahmed, I turn the sands over to you.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Thank you, Imam. As you may have heard, my school bomb did not work, but I have been making more inventions with which to overthrow the Great Satan, praise Allah. I have action figures of the leaders of the Great Satan that I have modified to humiliate America and bring the infidels to their knees. See, I have a Donald Trump action figure. See what it does when I pull this string. (pulls string)

Trump Action Figure: I have a way bigger d**k than that p***y Ted Cruz. Trust me. It’s YUGE!

Habib: Oh, my.  I want to be the judge of that.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And I have a Bernie Sanders Action Figure. (pulls string)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Free crap. Get your free crap. It’ll only cost you everything.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And a Hillary Clinton doll. (pulls string)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Bleat, baaaaaaaaaa! Pardon me. Sometimes I slip into my native tongue.

Mohammed: OMA! It is like the witchcraft of the Jews. The little idols of the Great Satan are speaking.

Ali: Stone them!

Corporate HR Imam: No, put down the stones. No stoning. Let him explain.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: It is not witchcraft, my friends. It is simple technology Allah has blessed us with to usher in Dar al Islam. We will give them to the fake orphans, and CAIR has agreed to distribute them throughout America where they will lay dormant, our cells of sleeper toys. They are completely harmless, or so it seems. But watch what happens when I activate them by satellite with this remote control. (pushed button on remote)

Ali: Hey, these boxes are full of action figures. There are enough for everybody. Here, we can all try them out. (He throws them into the crowd. The members of the crowd begin pulling the strings)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: No! Wait! They have been activated. Stop pulling the strings! Stop pulling the strings!

Hillary Clinton Doll: Wipe it? You mean with a cloth?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Marty, your mom’s way hot!

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Stop it right now! Stop pulling the strings!

Trump Action Figure: Your house would look better if it was a parking structure with my limo parked in it.

Hillary Clinton Doll: I will not rest until the man who made that video pays.

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Oy, last night I had a wet dream about Marx and Engels.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You must stop! Everybody! Please! There is something wrong. I cannot deactivate them.

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

Bernie Action Figure: 1.21 gigawatts! 1.21 gigawatts! (explodes)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Oh, Huma. My loins are on fire! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs return to earth)

Hillary Clinton Doll (slurring): What difference at this point does it make?

Ahmed the Clock Boy: That’s why I was saying to stop pulling the strings. Once the dolls are activated, certain random phrases will cause them to rein fiery death upon the infidel.

Momar (pulls string on action figure)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears again and the limbs once again return to earth)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You fools! None of you deserves to be martyred. No virgins for you.

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome to ISIS, Ahmed. (into megaphone) Clean up on hill 7. We need a clean up on hill 7. (to those who remain uninjured) Give us just a few moments, everyone, and we will get started with the safe space training.

Galid: I am confused. It does not seem like this is a very safe space to give a presentation on a safe space.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

(doorbell rings)

Joe: I’ll get it! I’ll get it!

Sasha opens the door.

Joe: Barry! I said I was going to get the door! I called it, and stupid Sasha did it!

Obama: It’s ok. You can answer the door next time.

Joe: But I wanted to do it now!

Obama: And don’t say stupid. It’s hurtful.

Joe (mumbling): I’ll show you hurtful.

Melissa Click enters

Obama: Welcome, Melissa. I may call you Melissa, I assume.

Melissa (nodding): I just felt it was my duty to inform you that your invitation to Thanksgiving Dinner was severely lacking. It should have noted: Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve cultural appropriation of Native Americans and their cuisine. Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve the idealized representation of genocidal, white Europeans. Trigger Warning – Food may be offensive to vegetarians. Trigger Warning – The sexist term “Tom Turkey” may be uttered. Trigger Warning – prayers of thanks may be uttered to a mythical bearded man in the sky. Trigger Warning – you may be subjected to abusive patriarchal sporting events. Trigger Warning…..

Obama: No need for all that. My very presence is the ultimate safe space. There will be no social injustice or glorification of American history here.

Melissa: We shall see, my pretty.  We shall see.

(doorbell rings)

Joe: (rushes to the door, barely beating Sasha to it. He sticks his tongue out at her and opens the door)

Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood (enters)

Obama: Well, don’t you look lovely this evening!

Cecile: Oh, you are such a liar! I look positively dreadful. I haven’t had the money to get my hair or nails done professionally for weeks. I could really use some cash. Have your daughters made any mistakes you don’t want them punished for, wink, wink?

Obama: Oh, you are incorrigible!

Cecile (brandishing a plate of large eggs): Wait til you see what I brought for an appetizer. Have you heard of Balut?

Obama: Balut? Isn’t that partially developed duck fetuses, still in the egg?

Cecile: Traditionally, yes, but mine have that Thanksgiving twist. Turkey fetuses, darling. I just love working with fetuses. So versatile. So many uses.

(Stevie Wonder and Ahmed Mohammed arrive and enter just behind Cecile)

(Stevie Wonder feels his way to a piano and starts playing Ebony and Ivory)

Obama: Welcome, my brothers. And what is that you have brought with you today, Ahmed? Is it another one of your inventions?

Ahmed: It is a thermonuclear device. My father’s cell…I mean… I made it from parts I got from Radio Shack.

Obama: Well, aren’t you the little prodigy.

Ahmed: It really works, too. My father says, when we win the lawsuit against the school, Allah will bless us with many more such devices.

Joe (speaking to Melissa): So I hear you are in Women’s Studies. I read your scholarly work on Twilight. Fascinating.

Melissa: You did? I didn’t think anyone but my students read that. And I forced them.

Joe: That’s a shame. Your work deserves much broader attention. Your representations of class in Big Redneck Wedding and 50 shades of post feminism completely changed the way I examine my own patriarchal tendencies. I think my preconceived notions of gender have been a form of self-oppression I constantly struggle to liberate myself from.

(doorbell rings)

Sasha (rushes to answer)

Melissa: That is what I was aiming for. Did it make you consider self castration? The betterment of society by changing men.

Sasha (opens door): And speaking of changing men….

Bruce Caitlyn Jenner (enters): Hello everybody.

Obama: The party couldn’t start without the Woman of the Year.

Joe (moves up behind Melissa, puts his hand on her shoulder and whispers into her ear): I’ve spent my lifetime researching women studies as well. Maybe we can get together later and I can show you some of the things I learned….

Melissa: Whoa, I didn’t give you affirmative consent, buddy. Where I come from, that is rape.

Stevie Wonder: Really. Touching your shoulder is rape? Creepy and unwanted, yes, but rape?

Melissa: He just sexually assaulted me! You all saw it! The violence inherent in the patriarchal system.

Stevie Wonder (chuckling): Well, actually, I didn’t see anything.

Melissa: So this is a joke to you? I’m brutally, sexually assaulted by a repressor of the patriarchy, and you think this is funny?

Stevie Wonder: I’m not saying it wasn’t offensive, but don’t you think that comparing it to rape denigrates actual rape?

Melissa: I can’t believe you just said that! That’s not just a microaggression. That’s a macroaggression. Racist!

Joe: No, no. It’s ok. Black people can say that word!

Stevie Wonder: What are you even talking about? What word?

Joe: I can’t say it.

Stevie Wonder: You mean ‘rape?’

Joe: No. Not rape. Of course not rape. Everyone can say rape. Watch me. Rape, rape, rape.

Melissa: Yeah. White women on my campus cry rape all the time. It’s expected.

Joe: You know. THE word.

Stevie Wonder: No I don’t know.

Joe: You know. The N-word.

Stevie Wonder: What? I didn’t use the N-word. I never use the N-word. What are you even talking about?

Joe: Ok, Ok. I’ll say it. Please don’t shiv me?

Stevie Wonder: Now THAT was racist.

Joe: Denigrate. (ducks his head)

Stevie: Denigrate? That’s not the N-word. That has nothing to do with the N-word.

Melissa: Sure it does. Sounds just like it. And it has such negative connotations.

Stevie Wonder: Denigrate is not the N-word. Trust me.

Melissa: How would you know? You’re not even authentically black.  We can’t trust your feelings on the subject.

Stevie Wonder: What? Of course I’m authentically black.

Melissa: No you’re not. You’re not only colorblind. You’re fully blind. You can’t see your own blackness or anybody else’s blackness or whiteness or redness or yellowness. You don’t even know what race is. That changes everything. You’ve spent your life in a warm race-free cocoon of blind privilege.

Stevie Wonder. Blind privilege? Now I know you must be an academic.

Melissa: Do you really think you would have gotten where you were if you could see? Paul McCartney totally carried you on Ebony and Ivory. Do you even know which of you was which? Ebony? Ivory? Which am I?

Stevie Wonder: Ok. You’re right. I’m blind. I have no idea what race you are, but based upon what you have been saying, I have been able to determine that you are severely mentally retarded.

Obama: Don’t be preposterous. Why would we invite a mentally retarded person to Thanksgiving at the White House?

Stevie Wonder: I assumed it was a Special Olympics award thing. Or maybe it’s so Joe wouldn’t be the numbest hake at the table. All I know is that my special blind privilege has heightened my other senses, and my retard-radar is clanging off the charts.

Melissa: You make me so angry. You are such the microagressor. If only I had brought my muscle with me. Not even a blind black man can get away with calling a woman a retard.

Stevie Wonder: Ok, you’re not retarded. You’re mentally challenged. Feel better now?

Melissa: Screw you. Unlike you, I care about creating a beautiful future where everyone is equal and valued. Where everyone contributes according to their abilities and receives according to their needs. Where no one is labeled as mentally challenged.

Stevie Wonder: Yeah, because in your future, Planned Parenthood killed off the mentally challenged and sold them for parts?

Cecile: Heavens no! That’s absurd! We would never do that! Researchers don’t want defective parts. But that’s okay. Have you seen 101 Dalmatians, darling? Coats, jewelry, lampshades so many other personal uses for them. So versatile.

Stevie Wonder: I think I’m going to be sick.

Joe (moves up behind Bruce, puts his hand on his shoulder and whispers into his ear): You’re so brave.  And strong.  Maybe later you can come up to my room and we can reenact some scenes from my favorite movie. The Crying Game.

Stevie Wonder: Now I know I’m going to be sick.

Joe (rubbing Bruce’s shoulders): I can really understand what you are going through, Caitlyn. Even though I was born a poor white boy, I’ve never really considered myself to be white. I’ve always felt that I was something else on the inside. I’m a Palestinian trapped in an infidel’s body.

Stevie Wonder: You see what I’m saying? Numb as a hake.

Melissa: What right have you to judge him?

(Stevie Wonder’s eyes roll behind his dark glasses)

Joe: When I look into the mirror and gaze deep into my own eyes, do you know what I see?

Stevie Wonder: An imbecile?

Joe: A strapping young Palestinian. Skin the rich color of pumpkin latte and full, luxurious manes of hair on my head and on my chest. I have Stars of David tattooed on my pecs, and I’m pretty sure my name is Jaime Goldschmidt.

Stevie Wonder: Wait a minute. Goldschmidt? Are you sure you are a Palestinian?

Joe: Jaime is a self-loathing Jew converted to the righteous cause.

Stevie Wonder: So let me get this straight. You are a Palestinian trapped inside a self-hating Jew trapped inside a senile old white idiot.

Joe (nods): I’ve never heard it put so clearly. And I think the Palestinian within me might be a lesbian.

Stevie Wonder: There are not enough derogatory terms to describe you.

Melissa: You, you intolerant …uh..uh.. some kind of –ist. I’m sure what kind, but you are definitely some kind of vile –ist.

Stevie Wonder: How about we stop the arguing and just relax and listen to some football.

Melissa: I give up. You are so patriarchal.

Obama: You gave us the trigger warning. Football is on the table. Let’s see who is playing. We have the Redskins versus the Vikings.

Melissa: Ah. No. White Europeans against oppressed natives. No way. No way.

Obama: Well, let’s try the NBA then. Let’s see. There’s the Celtics versus the Warriors.

Melissa (screams, bangs her palms against the sides of her head and curls up into a fetal position)

Stevie Wonder: And we’ve entrusted the education of our children to her? (to Melissa) Ponder this. Margaret Sanger, Karl Marx, the Frankfurt Group, Saul Alinsky. All white European stock.

Melissa (whimpers)

Bruce Jenner: Now that was just cruel.

Stevie Wonder: You know. Even blind, I can still tell you’re a man. Let’s grab a beer and catch the game.

Bruce Jenner: Now you’re talking, brother.  I give up.  My show’s ratings were crap anyway.

Ahmed: Excuse me, but do you know if that universal remote came from the Radio Shack? I think you may have just prematurely activated my thermonuclear device.  I wasn’t supposed to set it off until halftime, but it is ticking now.  Father will be so cross with me.

AP – Antarctica – The nude, frozen corpses of hundreds of environmental activists were found earlier this morning by the crew of an ice breaking ship near Antarctica. Hundreds of other severely frostbitten survivors huddled together for warmth, and a scant few were being noshed upon by the cuddly polar bears they had tried to befriend.

“We don’t understand what went wrong,” explained one of the survivors, once his lips had sufficiently thawed. “When we planned our nude climate change protest, we expected that the ice caps would have receded by now. The GCM models told us that the globe would be dangerously warm long ago. Of course, the thermometers all said it was colder than Ted Cruz’s heart out there, but we assumed the thermometers were all broken. I mean, science, right? There were graphs and stuff? Al Gore had to stand on a ladder. It was supposed to be a nude romp in the newly tropic Antarctic, right? What went wrong? Yeah, it looked all icy and stuff, but we assumed that it was all just fine, white sand. I mean, didn’t the ice all melt already? What else could it be? When the drugs all wore off and we realized how cold it felt, we began flatulating and exhaling like crazy, but the greenhouse gases didn’t warm us. They didn’t warm us! Gaia, why hast though forsaken us?”

When asked to comment on the tragedy, President Obama had this to say. “This just vindicates what I have been saying all along. Climate change is a more dire threat to the world than terrorism. Here we have just one example when climate change models killed more democratic voters in a single attack than ISIS .”

My Man in State has forwarded me some items that might come to light during the Hillary Benghazi hearings:

• When the Ambassador requested more security, Hillary offered to send some TSA agents.
• She ‘accidentally’ tweeted a link to the offensive video to the entire terrorist watch list.
• Huma assured her in an e-mail that all muslims in Libya were peaceful.
• Based upon the NSA data mining of American citizens, the staff at the Benghazi embassy was all from solid blue states, so she didn’t need their votes.
• Professionals assured her that the embassy was secure. The same professionals assured her that her server was secure.
• The reset button she sent to Libya didn’t say ‘reset’ in Arabic but actually said ‘look at me, I’m wearing a bacon bikini,’ and when the button was pressed, the deliciously ghastly photo was revealed.
• Her junk e-mail setting sent all e-mails from Libya straight to the trash, where they were appropriated by the Chinese.
• She thought the grandma beard she was sporting would give her more muslim street cred.
• Her sources indicated that Bill and that little tart were going to be in the embassy that night…..
• She wanted to send more security, but having to use two devices for e-mail confused and astounded her.
• It takes a village to raze an embassy.

If you thought the Iran Deal was bad, well, it seems more like a betrayal. My man in State slipped me some of the details that aren’t being reported in the media:

• President Rouhani has openly begun referring to Obama’s negotiating style as “The Monica.”
• President Rouhani was granted carte blanche use of Obama’s veto power and given the master remote to all the drones.
• John Kerry will now be referred to as Caitlyn and must always wear a hijab in public.
• Reagan’s grave will be moved to Tehran where Ahmedinejad may spit upon it with impunity.
• Iranian officials will be allowed to make anytime/anywhere inspections of US nuclear facilities.
• Israel was declared a nuclear-free zone.
• On college campuses, women may not level charges of date rape without three additional witnesses.
• Progressive restaurant owners will not be allowed to refuse to cater gay hangings.
• The south wall frieze of Mohammad at the Supreme Court will be sandblasted and replaced with a carving of Obama prostrate before the Ayatollah.
• Iran gets first dibs on all Planned Parenthood fetal parts.
• The IRS will now be collecting a flat jizya tax from all non-Muslims on behalf of our Iranian overlords.
• The hostages from the Iranian Hostage Crisis will be returned to Iran.

My man in State got me a copy of the full Obamatrade bill. There are some interesting clauses tucked away inside:

• The EU will reduce tariffs on US goods if the US agrees to take Greece
• The next pressing of the $10 bill will feature “Where’s Biden?” hidden puzzles on the bills
• Commits the US Treasury to buy up large quantities of Monopoly money and Boardwalk
• It grants Obama the right of Prima Nocta for all sex slaves brought into the country
• Hillary will be traded to the Bakongo tribe for a goat pelt, a pair of earrings and a lip disc
• Mexican cartels can buy their guns directly from ATF rather than through that shady fast and furious scheme
• The OPM will be responsible for the oversight and security of all internet transactions
• Trade relations with the US will be predicated upon a nation’s exuberance for homosexuality (Fine Print: all muslim countries are exempt from this requirement)
• For all future loans from Red China, red states will be offered as collateral
• The White House and Congressional communications system will be outsourced to Bob in Mumbai
• Price controls will fix the global price of white folk at $1.99/kg
• Putin is granted the Kardashians/Jenners in exchange for stopping staring at Michelle’s posterior and giving Barack those scary looks

My man in State has been looking into the mystery of Harry Reid’s black eye. While no one believes the rubber band story, no one really has the truth yet. Here are some of the rumors from the insiders. I bet the truth is in there somewhere.

• His right eye offended him, so he cast it out.
• He was shadow boxing and lost.
• He took ‘cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye’ a little too literally.
• He got beat up for jogging while white.
• It was a bizarre laser pointer accident.
• While calling the Senate to order, he got disoriented and gaveled his eye instead of his desk.
• He slipped while snorting green Jello through a straw and the straw poked him in the eye.
• He rose his fist to the sky and said, “If I am lying about Mitt Romney’s taxes, may God smite me.”
• You know that old saying: “You never forget how to ride a bike.” Myth busted.
• You know that old saying: “He can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.” Myth confirmed.
• Lucifer took it as collateral.
• He lost an ill-conceived staring contest with Dick Cheney.
• He was at a petting zoo, and the bunny resisted.
• As the New Year broke, he tried to kiss Sarah Palin.
• He took careful aim with his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.
• It was the result of manmade carbon emissions. Is there nothing global climate change can’t do?
• He had both his hands up in surrender, but the mob goon clocked him anyway.

Just to see if I could, I hacked into Hillary’s personal e-mail server and undeleted lots of interesting little tidbits.  Here are some of them:

• Some disturbing audition videos she e-mailed to the producers of the film 50 Shades of Grey.
• Excerpt from an e-mail to someone identified only as BarneyF: Please. I miss you. I know we can make it work. Don’t I look like a man?
• Repeated e-mails to Anthony Weiner threatening to tell Huma if he didn’t text her better pics.
• Excerpt from e-mail: Stone’s on to us. You must ‘relocate’ the brain again.
• Confusing e-mails from the US District Attorney’s office stating that the DNA staining Monica’s Blue dress was not of earthly origins.
• Pleas made to several psychiatrists asking if they could help her develop multiple personality disorder, hopefully gaining some personalities that were actually interesting and likable.
• Way to many cosplay selfies of her dressed up as Gleek.
• An e-mail from Baal13: Of course you don’t have my support for 2016, you stupid twit!  We had an agreement, and Gosnell didn’t make quota, so unless you can make up the difference……and don’t try and pawn that vapid Chelsea off on me again.  She ain’t worth a dangling chad.
• Lots of sexy ankle shots were e-mailed to Middle Eastern dictators.
• E-mails suggesting that she spent millions of State Department funds helping a Nigerian prince.
• Repeated e-mails to Michael Mann complaining that a hockey stick was a terrible symbol for warming.
• An e-mail from AyatollahK: Have received your ‘donation.’  Precisely which ‘red’ cities do you need ‘terrorized to extinction’ in order to swing the electoral college your way?
• Heated arguments back and forth with the potential publisher of her next book, It Takes a Potemkin Village.
• Excerpt from e-mail sent to Putin99: You know how to press all of my ‘reset’ buttons. I want you to take your shirt off and ride me like that bear.
• Really odd footage of her and her staff partying with Ovaltine and illegal prescription laxatives.
• An e-mail from Baghdadi77: re: our arrangement, I am confused.  When you said you wanted Ted Cruz’s head on a plate, was that figurative or literal?
• An e-mail to The_Jackal: We’ll always have Benghazi!!!!!

(Music is playing as the scene pans over a cardboard replica of Tehran)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: (opens the door and enters holding a long yellow box, singing and swapping his suit coat and dress shoes for a sweater and sneakers)

It’s a beautiful day for a martyrdom,

A beautiful day for a jihad.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

It’s a jihadi day in this beauty wood,

A jihadi day for a beauty.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

I have always wanted to have a martyr just like you.

I’ve always wanted to live in a caliphate with you.

So, let’s make the most of this beautiful day.

Since we’re together we might as well say:

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

Won’t you be my martyr?

Won’t you please,

Won’t you please?

Please won’t you be my martyr?

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Hi neighbor. Glad we could be together again. Can you imagine what might be in this box? I’ll give you a hint. He works in the Speedy IED Delivery service. (opens box and removes a doll dressed like a mujahideen) Of course it’s not the real Mr. McJihadi, but it’s a doll that looks like him. See his scraggly beard and suicide vest and AK-47. His ‘Speedy IED Delivery’ cap. One of my neighbors likes to use her imagination and her hands to make dolls to rain death upon the enemies of Allah. She made this one for Mr. McJihadi, and he loaned it to me. Can you use your imagination and think of ways this doll could be used to rain death upon the Jews? That’s right. You could put a bomb in it. Or anthrax. Or depleted uranium. Or fill it with acid and hang it from a tree at that girls’ school down the street and leave a piñata whacking stick by it. That would teach those little girls not to whack a piñata like a boy or to be educated. There are lots of things you can do with your hands and a little imagination.

Let’s look at the magic Picture Picture. Can you do these things with your hands?

(Picture Picture depicts people wiring bombs, trying on suicide vests, firing RPGs, stoning rape victims, hanging homosexuals, beheading hostages, lighting pilots on fire)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Wasn’t that interesting, neighbor. There are so many things you can do with your hands. Next week I would like you to steal your big sister’s cellphone and I will show you how to use it as a detonator.

Oh, what’s that neigbor? Do you hear the trolley coming? Nope, I don’t either. That’s because the IDF blew up your beloved trolley with drones. Isn’t that sad, neighbor? They claimed Hamas was hiding weapons on the trolley. But that was a lie. There were no weapons on the trolley. Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s insecure e-mail server, Hamas was able to hear about the attack in advance and move the weapons from the trolley to the maternity ward at OBL General Hospital. So don’t worry, neighbor. Our weapons are safe and the lucky martyrs on the trolley are enjoying a big roll in the hay in paradise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to paradise?

But speaking of Hillary Clinton, is there a lesson we can learn from her, neighbor? That’s right. She is an example of what the Quran teaches us about women. They should always wear a burka, they shouldn’t be put in charge and their testimony can’t be trusted.

But with the trolley destroyed, we will have to walk to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Follow me along the tracks, neighbor, and keep an eye out for King Bibi’s dreaded golem.

(scene changes to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Martyr-Artyr is kneeling over Daniel Tiger of Allah who is lying in a ditch)

Martyr-Artyr: Oh my Allah! Are you alright? What happened to you Daniel Tiger of Allah?

Daniel Tiger of Allah (speaking weakly): Martyr-Artyr? Is that you? Praise Allah you have come.

Martyr-Artyr: Please, you must tell me what happened? Who did this to you?

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It was King Bibi. He took my kidneys again. And some of my blood. I think the blood is for his Passover matzo ball soup.

Martry-Artyr: Quick. I must get you to Lady Elaine so she can heal you with her Boomerang-Toomerang-Soomerang.

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It is too late, Allah curse King Bibi. Lady Elaine tried to heal me, but King Bibi stole her magic boomerang and burned her for being a witch.

Martyr-Artyr: No, there must be a way.

Daniel Tiger of Allah (looking off in the distance): Why, yes, I would like another date. What? You say there are seventy-one more just like you waiting for me over by that oasis……(death rattle)

(Martyr-Artyr keens and then hears sobbing nearby and he goes toward it to find Donkey Hodie curled up on the ground in the fetal position)

Donkey Hodie: Just go away and leave me alone.

Martyr-Artyr: It was King Bibi again, wasn’t it?

Donkey Hodie: Just go away.

Martyr-Artyr: It okay. You aren’t a woman. I won’t stone you if you tell me what happened.

Donkey Hodie: King Bibi gave me some brownies. I think there was something in them that made me a homosexual. It was all a blur. I can hardly remember anything. My loins were aflame. But I don’t love him. I don’t even find him attractive. I don’t love him. Oh, what did he do to me?  Who will have me now? (weeping)

Martry-Artyr: Why did you tell me you were gay?

Donkey Hodie: No.  I’m not.  It was just the brownies.  I got better.

Martyr-Artyr: It is no matter.  I was wrong about that woman thing I said.  Turns out I must stone you after all for being gay.  My bad.

Donkey Hodie: No!  Please!

Martyr-Artyr (after he is done stoning): But that is the straw that breaks the back of my camel. I am sorry my friend.  I will avenge you Donkey Hodie. It is time to put an end to that tyrant. Come everybody! To Castle Israel!

(All the inhabitants of the Land of Conspiracy Theory raze the castle to the ground, hang King Bibi from a tree and set him ablaze as he screams pleasingly)

(Scene changes back to Mr. Ahmedinejad’s living room)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: I just want to make it clear, neighbor, that we didn’t burn the real Bibi. Not yet. That monster and his pig-dog minions are still out there waiting to get you. Unless you can find a way to stop them.  That is all the time we have today, but we will be together next time, unless, of course, you have become a good little martyr. That would give me a really good feeling.

(singing)

It’s a good feeling

Such a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling to know you’re not alive.

It’s such a happy feeling

You’re exploding outside.

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

It’s a good feeling

It’s a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling

To know you’ve found doom.

It’s such a happy feeling to find that you’ve gone kaboom

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day.

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

And I’ll be back

When the day is new

And I’ll have more ideas for you.

And you’ll have things you’ll want to blow up too.

I will too.

If you are wondering why Obama has managed to negotiate a deal with Iran that doesn’t make much sense, well, here are some other things Obama did during the negotiations that didn’t make much sense either:

• Obama gifted President Rouhani with a honey-baked ham and a case of bourbon.
• When introduced to the Ayatollah, Obama exclaimed, “You’re not the real Santa,” and began tugging on his beard.
• He kept assuring the Iranians that if they liked their centrifuges they could keep their centrifuges, only he wasn’t lying this time.
• He called the receptionist at his hotel front desk to complain that there wasn’t a free Gideon Bible in his room and that he couldn’t understand the book that was in the drawer of his nightstand because it was written in squiggly and could he please get another one because he accidentally started this one on fire but it was okay because he also accidentally dropped it in the toilet after attempts to put out the flames with spit and urine failed.
• He presented President Rouhani with a novelty button with a caption that was supposed to read “Reset” in Arabic. However, due to a translation error, the caption actually read: “What? You expect me to believe that ham, bacon and pork chops all come from the same magical animal?”
• He kept asking the Egyptian delegate to explain to him how the Egyptian cotton industry could thrive without slavery and mentioning that he had a lot of unemployed honkies he could sell him on the cheap.
• As he was settling down in President Rouhani’s private jet, he suddenly yelled, “Wanna see some mother huggin’ snakes on this mother huggin’ plane?” Then he threw down his staff, looked confused when nothing happened and then began mumbling something about that being the last time he ever believed something a Bush told him.
• He kept telling everyone that for Lent he had given up Christianity.
• He was heard whispering to President Rouhani, “You know, since all these women look alike clad in burkas, it would be easy to accidentally take the wrong ones home with us. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more).”
• He was overheard arguing with the Customs Agent. “It’s an honest mistake. With all I hear about people constantly getting stoned in this country, I thought it was obligatory that I bring my own pot and heroin.”
• For days he refused to entreat with anyone but Marduk.
• He began every speech by quoting John 3:12.
• During lunch he was heard asking the Egyptian delegate, “You can be straight with me. Do you ever regret letting those people go?”

Things Hillary has planned for her adult fun camps

• Frontal lobotomies
• Laundering her foreign donations
• White Water activities
• A double elimination tournament of Pin the Cigar on the Intern
• Crafting all those handmade leather Vote for Hillary wallets
• Shredding, shredding, shredding
• Classes on how to carry two phones at once
• Relaxing crayon time with her special connect the dots edition of The Vagina Monologues Coloring Book
• First aid training for those who can’t afford healthcare on the exchanges
• Archery competitions involving hunting homeless men who have been dressed like Ted Nugent
• Flag burning for beginners
• Extinguishing burning flag burners for beginners
• The First Annual Symbolism over Substance hot dog chopping competition

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get into the benefits, I want to quickly remind everyone that if you want to be part of the marriage raffle, please get your tickets into the bucket.  We will be drawing as each daughter exits the genital mutilation tent.

Habib: And how many tickets may we enter again?

Corporate HR Imam: Everyone is allowed four wives in total, so you may enter the number of tickets equal to 4 minus the number of current wives you have.

Galid: Wait a minute.  I am confused.  No one said there would be maths.  Death to story problems!  I mean, I can count to twenty-one if I remove my breeches, but how do you expect me to do those subtractions?  Do I look like an autism to you?

Ali: Where is Rainmomar when you need him?

Rainmomar (mumbling): 2 minutes to drone strikes.  Definitely, definitely 2 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: If you have any problems figuring it out, just put in four tickets. If in the end you end up with more than four wives, there are plenty of stones around. We can remedy it.  But let’s deal with that when the time comes. We have some very exciting new benefits now that the caliphate is established. As I mentioned before, under Sharia Law you will all be receiving free healthcare, and I think we can all agree that that is a big f—ing deal.

Galid: Does it cover pre-existing conditions? My daughter can tell you, I have a terrible case of crotch rot.

Corporate HR Imam: Pre-existing conditions will be covered, post-existing conditions will not.  But let’s try and hold off on the questions until the end.  Under Sharia Health Care, or SHC, you are covered for all health issues or treatments mentioned in the Quran.  Anything else would just be ungodly.  We’ll be passing out Qurans to everyone so you can finally read it and see what is in it.

Ahmed: I have a question.  What about my sleepers in America?  They are part of the caliphate, yes?  Are they covered under SHC?

Galid: Yes, everyone in my cells was forced to buy insurance on the exchanges.  It cost so much they could not afford the explosives.  Obamacare alone stopped all of my scheduled attacks for 2014, Allah spit upon it.  Obamacare sounds like a Jewish conspiracy to me.

Corporate HR Imam: We have been made aware of those issues, and we will provide all our sleepers with SHC proof of insurance, so that should solve that problem going forward. I mean, that really is money down the tubes.  How healthy does someone have to be to blow themselves up?

Ali: That is very good news.  Obamacare didn’t even cover my sleeper’s health needs.  Obama said he could keep his doctor if he liked this doctor, but under Obamacare, the old crone he used to go to isn’t even considered a doctor.  It is crazy!

Ahmed: Yes.  And my sleeper’s monthly leachings and bloodletting are not even covered. And they claimed preventative medicine was important.

Ali: Exactly.  It requires to pay for birth control, but then it does not pay to have a camel kick that pregnant whore in the belly or for the supplies needed for the honor killing.  Obamacare does not care about the health of our people.

Galid: Obamacare is racism straight up!

Ali: Death to Obamacare!

Ahmed: Death to America!

(all ululating and shooting guns into the air)

Rainmomar (mumbling): 30 seconds to drone attack.  28 seconds (starts hitting himself on the head and running away)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, calm down everyone.  Please calm down.  Can some of you go and bring back Rainmomar?

(Galid, Habib, Ali and Ahmed run after Rainmomar as the drones fly in and attack.  There are many minutes of wanton destruction)

Corporate HR Imam: Praise Allah the medical coverage isn’t effective until 3/15.  This would break us.

Rainmomar (looking over the aftermath of the attack): 43,569 mujahideen left.  Definitely 43,569.  Paradise definitely needs 478,656 more virgins.  Definitely 478,656.

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: So are there any more questions or concerns about the vaccinations before we move on?

Galid: I am confused. You made mention of a stretch goal. What is this? I have not heard of such a thing.

Habib: Me neither. I assumed it deals with the hanging of homosexuals. That is the only stretching I have ever done on the job.

Ahmed: Except for the stretching you do before raping and pillaging to avoid sprains and strains.

Habib: Huh?

Ahmed: Do you even pay attention to our training? You probably do not lift with your legs either.

Habib: Were you not listening? We get free healthcare now, praise Allah, so what does it matter if we get injured a little bit? We will be fixed up, Allah willing.

Galid: But what has this to do with stretch goals? I am still confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Galid, just don’t worry yourself about stretch goals, alright. Forget I even said it. It’s not something that the cannon fodd- I mean, the valiant foot soldiers need to worry about. It’s boring upper management stuff. But before we get into the new benefits, management has asked us to brainstorm about the newest threat against us from America.

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Ahmed: Death to the Great Satan!

Galid: I spit upon their threat!

Rainmomar (mumbling): 7 minutes to drone strike. 7 minutes. Definitely…definitely 7 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: I really like your enthusiasm, but let’s calm down a bit and discuss this. The Americans-

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, please. Calm down. Yes, we all wish death to America. But let’s put the guns down for just a few minutes. The Great Satan had a conference to discuss how to deal with violent extremism.

Galid: And that is us? We are violent extremism?

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. They consider us violent extremists.

Galid: But I am confused. I always thought we were pretty moderate. I mean, I’ll kill someone who is an infidel, or an apostate, or a Sunni, or someone who insults the Messenger of Allah, or cartoonists, or homosexuals, or rape victims, or people running those stupid marathons in those sexy little shorts, or women wearing yoga pants, or family members who dishonor me in some way, or those douchebags who take up two parking spots, or if I could ever get my hands on that Bill Maher guy, but who wouldn’t? I mean that is just normal, right?

(All nodding assent)

Corporate HR Imam: In the twisted view of the infidel, that is all extreme. There is just no talking to those people. But, like I was saying, they had that conference about how to deal with us, and here is the solution they came up with. There it is up on the screen.  The solution to violent extremism begins in your community.

(All stare quizzically at the screen)

Galid: I am so confused. The solution? I thought violence was the answer. Why else are we striving to bring it to every community, Allah willing?

Ahmed: What does this even mean? Are they arming their communities? Training their children in their schools to fight us? What is this?

Corporate HR Imam: As far as we can tell, they are trying to remove arms from public places, making schools and malls and other public places gun-free zones.

Ali: So our agents do not even have to give up their lives to attack these targets?

Ahmed: Is this a white flag of surrender? Have we won?

(All chanting Dar al Islam and Allahu akbar)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody. Settle down, please. That’s what we are trying to pick everyone’s brains about. This is the latest White House threat against us, and we don’t understand how it threatens us. We don’t even understand it enough to be able to combat it.

Ali: Could it be the economy? Maybe if the American hippies who put that together had jobs?

Galid: I’d rather just kill them, Allah be praised.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 3 minutes to drone strike. Definitely 3, 3 minutes.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome everybody to our first open enrollment fair. Now that Baghdadi has announced the caliphate, we will be able to fully implement Sharia which means many new and exciting benefits will be coming your way this year. You may be wondering why we had Bring Your Daughter to Work Day the same day we are having the open enrollment fair. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time this afternoon to share the rough and tumble workday of the ISIS mujahideen with your daughters. But we wanted your daughters here today so they can enjoy the new benefits immediately. As you are all aware, under Allah’s law, healthcare is not a privilege but a right. May I please direct all your daughters to the Healthcare Tent to my right so they can get their free vaccinations and genital mutilations?

Ahmed: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you right? You want to vaccinate my daughter?

Galid: I am confused. I thought that vaccinations were a fiendish plot by the Jews to give us the autism.

Corporate HR Imam: Claims that vaccines cause autism have been thoroughly debunked. You have nothing to fear.

Galid: Ah, but is that not what the Jews would want us to think?

Ahmed: Was not Jonas Salk a Jew? You expect me to believe that a Jew would cure polio and invent vaccines out of the goodness of his black heart? Surely Allah laughs at such a thing.

Ali: Death to vaccines!

All ululating and shooting into the air

Galid: Death to autism!

Ahmed: Death to free preventative medicine!

Ali: Death to declining infant mortality rates!

Habib: Death to AIDS!

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, everyone. Calm down. I can guarantee you that the vaccines are safe.  I’ll be getting them myself.

Galid: I am confused.  Do you expect me to believe that such great minds as Charlie Sheen and Jenny McCarthy could be mistaken?  Allah forfend.  How could this be?

Ahmed: Yes. I do not want my daughter to catch the autism.

Galid: Yes. Yes.  My daughter is already too smart. We have kept her out of school, but it does no good. If she got the autism and could then do the counting better than me and beat me every time at the blackjack, the shame would be too great.  I would have to honor kill her, Allah forbid.

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s think about this logically for a minute. Why would the Jews want to give any of us autism? What good would that do?

Ahmed: Have you ever tried to brainwash a child with autism?

Ali: Yes. It does no good. They just stare off into space and hit the ground with a stick. I cannot even get them to ululate.  If all our young recruits had the autism….

Galid: Maybe if there were casinos of the Great Satan around here, we could use the autisms for fundraising, but then Allah forbids us from gambling. I am so confused.

Ahmed: But it is not gambling, my friend, if it is a sure thing.

Corporate HR Imam: Why do I get the feeling that everything you know about autism you learned from watching Rainman? You probably are not aware that we already have some mujahideen with autism, and their skills are very valuable to our cause. Rainmomar? Are you here? Please come forward Rainmomar.

Rainmomar: 50,217 mujahideen. 50,000…50,217.

Corporate HR Imam: Rainmomar has been very helpful to our cause.

Rainmomar: 5,356,125,342 infidels left to behead. 5,356,125,342 infidels.

Corporate HR Imam: He handles all our numbers for us.

Rainmomar: 13 bullets.  13 bullets in your magazine.  13.

Ali: Ah.  See!  He is wrong.  My magazine holds 30 bullets.

Corporate HR Imam: But did you not just shoot many into the air?

Ali: Oh yeah. Wow.  He is right.  I only have 13 left.

Corporate HR Imam: He is great for our logistics and planning.  And you wouldn’t believe how much time he saves us during our annual inventory accounting.

Rainmomar: 106,660 beheadings per mujahideen. 100,000…..106,660 beheadings.

Corporate HR Imam: See?  He’s better than an abacus. If we can meet our stretch goals for massive destruction and recruiting, we hope to get that beheading ratio cut in half by the end of Q4. Thank you, Rainmomar. You may sit down.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 12 minutes to drone attack. 12. 12 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: What was that? No bother. Lets’ get back on track and talk about the exciting new benefit package under full Sharia.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)