(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome warriors of Allah. I’m glad you could make it today. We will be getting to the safe space training in just a minute, but first we have a few items of business to discuss. For those of you who have volunteered to infiltrate the west as refugees, we have ‘restocked’ our inventory of orphans. Check with security after the training and they will issue you your fake IDs and assign you an orphan.  Once you have made it to your assigned country, please don’t forget to recycle your orphans so we can reuse them. Orphans are harder to come by than you might think. Our bombs aren’t that discriminating. Ok, they aren’t discriminating at all. And our warriors have to hide behind somebody.

Crowd: (laughs)

Corporate HR Imam: And don’t forget that following the safe space training, we will be having the special demonstration on proper beheading techniques. But before we get started, we have a special guest with us today. Welcome Ahmed the Clock Boy. With the Caliphate reestablished, it is time to bring the seat of science and technological development back to Islam, and this little prodigy is here to help us make that dream a reality. He has invented something special for us already. Ahmed, I turn the sands over to you.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Thank you, Imam. As you may have heard, my school bomb did not work, but I have been making more inventions with which to overthrow the Great Satan, praise Allah. I have action figures of the leaders of the Great Satan that I have modified to humiliate America and bring the infidels to their knees. See, I have a Donald Trump action figure. See what it does when I pull this string. (pulls string)

Trump Action Figure: I have a way bigger d**k than that p***y Ted Cruz. Trust me. It’s YUGE!

Habib: Oh, my.  I want to be the judge of that.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And I have a Bernie Sanders Action Figure. (pulls string)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Free crap. Get your free crap. It’ll only cost you everything.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And a Hillary Clinton doll. (pulls string)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Bleat, baaaaaaaaaa! Pardon me. Sometimes I slip into my native tongue.

Mohammed: OMA! It is like the witchcraft of the Jews. The little idols of the Great Satan are speaking.

Ali: Stone them!

Corporate HR Imam: No, put down the stones. No stoning. Let him explain.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: It is not witchcraft, my friends. It is simple technology Allah has blessed us with to usher in Dar al Islam. We will give them to the fake orphans, and CAIR has agreed to distribute them throughout America where they will lay dormant, our cells of sleeper toys. They are completely harmless, or so it seems. But watch what happens when I activate them by satellite with this remote control. (pushed button on remote)

Ali: Hey, these boxes are full of action figures. There are enough for everybody. Here, we can all try them out. (He throws them into the crowd. The members of the crowd begin pulling the strings)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: No! Wait! They have been activated. Stop pulling the strings! Stop pulling the strings!

Hillary Clinton Doll: Wipe it? You mean with a cloth?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Marty, your mom’s way hot!

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Stop it right now! Stop pulling the strings!

Trump Action Figure: Your house would look better if it was a parking structure with my limo parked in it.

Hillary Clinton Doll: I will not rest until the man who made that video pays.

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Oy, last night I had a wet dream about Marx and Engels.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You must stop! Everybody! Please! There is something wrong. I cannot deactivate them.

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

Bernie Action Figure: 1.21 gigawatts! 1.21 gigawatts! (explodes)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Oh, Huma. My loins are on fire! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs return to earth)

Hillary Clinton Doll (slurring): What difference at this point does it make?

Ahmed the Clock Boy: That’s why I was saying to stop pulling the strings. Once the dolls are activated, certain random phrases will cause them to rein fiery death upon the infidel.

Momar (pulls string on action figure)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears again and the limbs once again return to earth)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You fools! None of you deserves to be martyred. No virgins for you.

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome to ISIS, Ahmed. (into megaphone) Clean up on hill 7. We need a clean up on hill 7. (to those who remain uninjured) Give us just a few moments, everyone, and we will get started with the safe space training.

Galid: I am confused. It does not seem like this is a very safe space to give a presentation on a safe space.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)