Experts say that Iraq has tons of chemical weapons. If we had it together though, the headline would read, “Iraq had tons of chemical weapons, as determined from trace elements found on the ash that once was Baghdad.” I hate to repeat myself (though it is easier than coming up with new stuff to say), but why haven’t we taken out Saddam yet? I mean even we don’t find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, at least we killed an evil dictator. It’s not like instead of finding evidence of bio-weapons we’ll find evidence that he secretly ran charities to fight world hunger and give puppies to orphans. “Man, do we fell bad now; we totally misjudged Saddam. Because of our unilateralism, we killed him for nothing more than wanting to help children.”

Now Mandela is getting on our case about wanting to attack Iraq. He doesn’t want us to go bombing countries on our own since we’re the only superpower and need to set an example. What the hell? That’s like saying to Superman, “Hey, don’t go flying around shooting laser out your eyes; it scares children.” What’s the point of being a superpower if we don’t throw our weight around for the cause of good? I don’t know who Mandela is, what’s his story, or where Africa is, but, if he is really concerned about the world, he should start some bake sales to get money for more American cruise missiles.

Air travelers will no longer be asked, “Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry an item on this flight?” and “Have any of the items you are traveling with been out of your immediate control since the time you packed them?” despite the one in 500 quintillion chance that they might trip up a terrorist plot. Instead of getting rid of the questions altogether, maybe they should just try being smarter about them. Like, as the ticket agent weighs the luggage, he could just casually ask, “So, what kind of detonator did you put on your bomb?”

“It’s an altitude sensitive… I mean… I don’t what you’re talking about!”

“Aha! Security, take him away and beat him!”

One of the first things I learned when I started using firearms was that Dirty Harry, unless he put in ear protection before each gun fight, would have been deaf by the end of the first sequel. Guns are loud; even a .22 handgun fired out doors will pop you ears. Up north of me in Cocoa, Florida, they used space age technology to make a shooting range quieter, but why go to such extremes? We already have something that makes gun’s quieter: silencers.

Silencers have such a bad connotation into today’s society, so much so that even more states ban them than ban fully automatics. When someone hears silencer, they think “evil assassin” (or, I guess by today’s lingo, “evil regime-changer”), but it’s just a logical thing to make guns quieter. Is there really a compelling reason that my neighbors have to get woken up every single I time I shoot an intruder? And no one gets angry at car manufacturers for making engines quieter even though I could easily stealthily kill someone with my Hyundai. Plus, if the idea is to keep people from using silencers for evil, then isn’t it a good idea not to make those people angry by forcing them to pay a $200 Class III weapons transfer fee? It’s just common sense.

Let’s say you’re a supervillian, and you hatch some plot to block out the sun from the entire world – say by causing a nuclear winter using stolen nukes – is it then impossible to prosecute that supervillian? Blocking out the sun would affect everyone in the world, so everyone would have to excuse themselves from being a juror or a judge since everyone was personally affected by the crime. So have I found a “supervillian loophole” to our legal system that we need to correct?

As we know from airport security, terrorists are even distributed among toddlers to eighty-year-old grandmothers and thus you have to be vigilant of them all, but the U.S. Open has expanded the search to dogs as well. Bomb sniffing dogs at the stadium were forced to wear photo ID’s even though their officer escort also has to wear one. Apparently, terrorists dogs such as Omar Sparky and Mohammed Fluffy have been trying to sneak into the U.S. Open to “plant a bomb,” so to speak. If you see any suspicious dogs in your neighborhood, immediately alert the FBI.

UPDATE: I just received this statement from the National Association of Canine Americans:

“We vehemently condemn all pooping indoors, but humans have to realize that their policies of leaving dogs inside alone for hours and not supplying sufficient chew toys often makes dogs feel they have no choice but to ‘leave a surprise.'”
-Fido, President of the National Association of Canine Americans

John Sutherland in his column in the Guardian today writes about his worries over the popular Toby Keith song that refers to “kicking the ass” of those who attack America, saying that angry Americans are ugly Americans. Oh, the poo’ wittle Englishmun, all worried that America in its blinding rage may knock over his table of tea and crumpets! To think, that after being attacked, we are angry at our attackers! Why that’s almost like how rational human beings would react! We’re unbelievable!

If someone had a new drug that they thought could cure cancer, should they just start injecting it into people to see if it works? And I’m not talking about people agreeing to be tested on, but forcefully giving the drug to people even if they didn’t want it. Of course everyone would react in horror to something like that, but that’s exactly what politics are like. Someone comes up with some asinine new idea that no one has any clue whether it will work, and then they get it passed into law and inflicted on the masses. So why can’t we do the same thing we would do with the cancer drug and test political and economic theories on monkeys first?

As far as I know (or care to know) the only use of monkeys is to test things on them. Some people may say, “Hey. That’s cruel!” and my response to that is, “I don’t like monkeys.” But, personal feelings aside, they are the most intelligent animal other than man, which is why this idea can work. They also aren’t too far removed from people in the political area: they’re apathetic to current events just like the nation’s youths, they jump around and screech a lot just like liberals, and they don’t bathe very often just like Frenchmen. To get the project started, first a decent size island must be obtained, either purchased or taken by forced — someone else can figure that out — and then we need to get a bunch of monkeys from wherever it is people usually get monkeys — again, not my department. Then you have your island full of subjects to test out political ideas on. Have some monkeys control the monkey economy and then let each of the monkeys make their own decisions with their monkey money and see what works better. Don’t let any of the monkeys have guns, lets only the leader monkeys have guns, and then give all the monkeys guns and see what happens (observations should be done remotely). Of course, if through research we stumble upon the perfect socio-economic model, the monkeys may become too powerful to control and we could be on our way to the planet of the apes. That’s why the island should also be laden with explosives for a last ditch measure.

If you like my idea, send me millions of dollars and I’ll get started on it. I’m going to work on the explosives part first.

In case you were wondering if you can kill cats with a shotgun and not be convicted under animal cruelty laws in Maryland, the answer is yes.

Note: The official policy of the IMAO website is to oppose animal cruelty. This policy may change at anytime without notice.

Blogging is like the coolest thing on the internet now (at least according to people with blogs), but I missed out coming up with the idea. So, instead, I will just apply the idea to new mediums. First I’m going to try and figure how to fit blogging into television broadcast. Maybe it would be a channel with Glenn Reynolds sitting in front of the camera all day and occasionally saying something. Or maybe instead it would be a tv show that keeps telling you to watch other tv shows. Well whatever it is, when I finish the idea I need someone to send me millions of dollars.

In case one day you suddenly wondered if you can orchestrate a sex act in St. Patrick’s Cathedral, broadcast the results, and then still keep your jobs as a radio show host, the answer is no.

The slippery slope back towards Puritanism has begun.

Canadian gun registration laws are going to ruin a civil war reenactment that’s to take place near Toronto. Canada (our local Europe) would have forced the visiting Americans to pay a fee and register their muskets. Of course, the Americans were like, “Funk that!” and have decided not to attend rather than pay for their God-given right. In reality, though, hundreds of Americans with muskets could easily reenact whatever they want wherever they want in Canada.

Bush wants to ease logging restrictions to stop wildfires. Just a couple days ago I was talking about the dangers of trees and I forgot all about their tendency to burn and kill people. Trees are the only living creature other than man that uses fire, and they always use it for evil. Why do I seem to be the only person noticing this and condemning trees? Sure, they’re nice when they’re tamed by by being turned into coffee tables and rifle butts, but, in the wild, them things are dangerous.

NASA has come out and assured everyone they can’t read minds. Why is it now, for the first time, I’m worried about NASA reading my mind. This reminds how I was never worried about layoffs at work until the boss started a meeting by saying, “I just want to assure you that no one is thinking of layoffs.”

Juan Non-Volokh points out how there is no empirical evidence that biodiversity is a matter of survival. I personally find our dependency on other lifeforms quite pathetic. We’re the human race, the greatest species in the universe, so why should we need bunch of other plants or animals around to survive; they should live and die by our whimsy. We should make technology that can take the place of plants in the food chain, machines that can produce food and oxygen from sunlight, water, and nutrients much more efficentiely than some stupid tree. And unlike the tree, it won’t block the sky or be a hazard to you if you run off the road.

Now don’t take me out of context and say I’m for eliminating all trees. I just think they can be relegated to some zoo or something so they can stay out of our way.

The U.N. has yet again reinforced their credibility by electing Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi as chair of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights. From the looks of the picture, he wore his wife’s Sunday best for the occasion.

In other news, the fox has been elected to chair the United Nations Commission on Henhouse Protection and I have been elected to chair the United Nations Commission on Not Beating Hippies.