First Michael Bellesiles makes stuff up facts for his bogus anti-gun book, and Dave Kopel in this article mention a woman named Lois Schwoerer who uses a dictionary definition to support her argument, and then makes up that definition! What is wrong with these anti-gun nuts? They’re supposed to be scholars, but they’re so tied to a sinking ship of an argument that they make up facts to support it. Maybe other scholars can have an intervention for them:

“You can’t just keep making up facts. We think its time to admit you don’t have a rational argument for your position.”

“I’m not the one without the rational argument! You’re the ones without the rational argument!”

“Calm down. We’re here to help you.”

So is there like a Total-Dumbasses Anonymous for these people to go to? Without a support group, it won’t be long before they go right back to writing more anti-gun crap and pissing me off. And that improves no one’s safety.

A FoxNews.com report talks about how many vegetarians are coming back to eating meat. That seems about right, because that whole vegetarian thing never made sense anyway. What’s the difference between a vegetarian burger and a regular beef burger? Both are just processed vegetables, the former had the processing done by machines and the latter done naturally by a cow. And which one tastes better? Nature’s way of course. When a cow eats vegetables, it has this almost magical ability to sort out only the tasty parts of vegetables and then repackage it in the form of yummy meat. But those nature-hating vegetarians think they can outdo God’s way and thus are arrogant and evil.

And what’s with this complaint about how animals are treated on farms? Vegetables are treated even worse; they’re kept in one place their entire lives and not allowed any mobility at all. And plants never try to harm people, while animals, on the other hand, can be mean. Once, my dog bit me; she didn’t even give a reason. That’s just how animals are. Not once, though, have I been attacked by a house plant. So, obviously, it is much more moral to kill animals than plants.

Please, God, no more of this. 1,800 votes just suddenly found? Come on, what’s that about? For my sanity, I need this to be over. I’ve been a good Catholic. I’m nice to people. I feed the homeless and shelter the hungry. I’ve never killed a hobo. What else do You want from me? Do I have the wrong religion, because I’ll switch. I’ll even try that one where you get bitten by snakes; to be honest, I’ve sorta suspected that was the one true faith. And I’m sorry I asked Your son to hit Reno with a bus; that was out of line, and it won’t happen again. All I want is for McBride to have enough of a margin of victory that a recount isn’t triggered, okay? You see, I’m one of the good ones; I understand how voting problems are just Your way to cancel out the votes of stupid people. I won’t try and prevent it and instead will cherish it as great part of our democracy. So, is it now good between us? (or is that “Us”?)

Bush, as part of his compassionate conservatism, told our reasons why we wanted a war with Iraq to the U.N. as if any other countries mattered in the decision. Some may think we set a bad precedent which will lead to other countries feeling they can give us their opinions on other things as well, but I think Bush had his heart in the right place. He explained things very carefully to them and talked to them almost like they were adults. Some of the things were probably scary for these other countries to hear, such as how Iraq has continued development of weapons of mass destruction, but I think many of the countries in attendance were mature enough to hear it. A good indication of that was how there were few incidents when milk and cookies were served afterwards. France whined it’s cookie didn’t have many chocolate chips in it, and then started crying when Germany said something to him, but, other than that, it was a relatively quiet affair. Talk of war, though, left most countries too stimulated for nap time.

Richard Reid, the attempted shoe bomber, has revealed that his motivation was seeing Jews with guns in a mosque. This is important to hear, because, to defeat one’s enemy, you must understand how his mind works. So here is what we know so far:

Subject: Richard Reid
Status: Radical Muslim
Stimuli: Jews with guns
Initial Emotion: Anger
Final Reaction: “Must… blow-up… shoes!”

Hmm… interesting, but more data is needed. I say we subject him to a Presbyterian with a machete and a Hindu with a taser and watch what article of clothing he tries to explode.

Oh, no, not again. It looks like McBride won the Democratic primary, but Reno is probably going to ask for a recount. I can’t take this. I need to know Reno is done for… now. I don’t care if Jeb will have a better chance against Reno; the risk is not worth it. Please, Jesus, I beg of you, end this election now. The surest way, and this is just a suggestion, is to hit Reno with a bus. There are a lot of buses out there, so no one will think it was you who did it if she perchance gets run over by one. I mean, if she got hit by a meteor, people might start thinking, “Hey, that doesn’t just happen by accident; I bet Jesus did it. Let’s get him!” but, with a bus, you’d get off scott free. I know contract killing is not your usual thing, but this is an extraordinary circumstance. You see, I have a house being finished here in Florida next month, and I can’t already start thinking about moving.

Portugal is cautioning Bush on Iraq. Why do they even get to register an opinion? I’ve heard of Portugal before, but I can’t remember if it’s in Europe or South America. You could blame my ignorance of geography for that, but I blame Portugal for being so insignificant that’s its never in the news for me to know anything about it. I don’t get it how all these silly little countries can just come up to the president of the United States and tell us what to do. There are like a thousand countries – most of them not even worth mentioning. Can America really be expected to keep track of them all? What Portugal should do is tell their opinion to either Britain or Brazil (according to whatever continent it’s actually on), and, if that country considers it important enough, then they can pass it on. Hierarchies, yo.

It’s way too easy to find left-wing bias in the media – hell you can’t swing a dead cat in a newsroom without hitting left-wing bias – but I always wondered if I’d be able to spot right-wing bias in a new story. Well, I just read this article on foxnews.com, and tell me if it doesn’t sound a bit like an editorial, especially the last couple paragraphs (I’m sorry; I don’t know how to do proper quote indenting with blogger):

“But four days ago, Daschle sounded a different tune.

“‘What has changed over the course of the last 10 years that brings this country to the belief that it has to act in a pre-emptive fashion?’

“What has changed by most accounts is that after four years of continued weapons development, Saddam is even more dangerous than he was when Daschle was advocating military action.

“What also has changed is the resident of the White House, a Republican president, who maintains very high popularity ratings.”

Now, of course, it is correct, but it sure seems to point someone to a conclusion rather than just give the facts. For those interested, my own position is that the Democrats are evil opportunists who will take any position, no matter how harmful to Americans, as long as it leads to taxing the rich. And they think anyone who’s an assistant manager at McDonalds and up are rich. What we should do if we really want to help our nation in the war on terror is round up all Democrats, put them in a space ship, and launch it into the sun. I know, you’re all probably saying, “Hey, you stupid right-wing barbarian, why would we do something so hare-brained and expensive as that when we could just throw the Democrats into the nearest volcano to incinerate them. Think, you idiot!”

Well, here’s what I have to say to you liberal, soft-on-crime ninnies who want to just throw everyone in a volcano: Wake up, people! A punishment as quick and relatively painless as throwing someone into a volcano is not going to change things. These people need a long excruciating flight to the sun during which they can think about how wrong they are for being Democrats. That’s the only way to make them learn!

Violent crime dropped by 9 percent last year, marking the lowest level since the government first started surveying victims. People are saying the decrease is from a strong economy and tougher sentencing, but I bet it’s our good ole friend guns. The article mentions that car theft actually rose by 7 percent, which means criminals are switching to victims they know can’t shoot them (unless it’s the Bond car). This is expected, because all criminals throughout history, from the violent thugs of today to the first caveman who jacked someone else’s wheels, dislike being shot by a .45 automatic. It’s an extremely unpleasant phenomenon, and its harsh symptoms are well known:

sharp pain
dizziness
blood loss
loss of bladder control
sudden weight loss
heart failure
heart explosion
loss of stomach contents through vomiting
*loss of stomach contents through new hole in the abdomen

A .45 automatic does have the good affect of instantly turning a violent criminal into someone quite law abiding, except, perhaps, for their new reckless disregard of loitering laws.

“Lance Bass kicked off space flight” reads the headline, but the story is actually much less interesting than it sounds. It ends up he was kicked off before they launched, not while actually in space. When I first read the headline, I thought they ran into some problem with the air supply, and, if they could increase the supply by exactly the amount of air a Lance Bass would consume, the rest could survive.

“Lance Bass, we all drew straws,” the head astronaut told him, faking a somber mood, “And since I drew the longest one, I get to kick you off. You want to do this the hard way or the easy way.” He then smiled sinisterly. “Please choose the hard way.”

And the Lance Bass was like, “Yo, yo, yo! What the dealio?” (Or he wasn’t like that; I honestly don’t know what a Lance Bass sounds like. I’m just not “with it.”)

“It’s just the way things are, Lance Bass,” the astronaut answered firmly, carefully hiding his elation, “To have enough air supply, we either have to remove one Lance Bass or five albino mice. That’s one Lance Bass versus five rodents; which one is more fair?”

“You guys kick it old school!” was Lance Bass’s last words before being ejected out the air lock with an ominous thud.

I didn’t get much sleep last night.

About half of the entries from the debate that was going on in the comment section of my post “One Messed Up Chick” have disappeared. Plus, one comment I did delete (me just writing “test”) has reappeared. Haloscan had been flickering on and off for the last few days, so the most logical explanation is that a previous back-up copy of the posts was put into place, one missing the newer posts but including one older one. The less probable but more interesting explanation (and the one I choose to believe) is that we have angered God by our debate of atheism, and, in a show of His mighty wrath, He has smitten some comments from the face of the earth while resurrecting others. Please, O Lord! I bow before Your glory and beseech thee to leave the rest of our post unsmoten and to leave alone the deleted posts we wish forgotten! I shall burn an animal in sacrifice to appease Thy wrath! I hope You don’t mind if it’s stolen.

Anyway, though it is the policy of IMAO that we (meaning I) can delete comments for any reason, especially to just be mean, unfair, and to rewrite history in a more flattering light, I assure you I did not delete those comments and will see if there is some way to restore them. To summarize what was deleted, I believe we all ended up in agreement that you can’t prove or disprove that undetectable elves control our lives. Also, I think I decided to become an atheist in the end, but I can’t quite remember. I hope not, though, because it will be a lot of work. First, I’ll have to remove the crosses from my walls, get myself off the church mailing list, and remove the Jesus fish from my car (which, when I put it on there, I thought was the symbol for the band Phish). Also, the pope is stopping by for dinner next weekend, and you just know me being an atheist will put a damper on the evening. He probably then won’t let me try on the pope hat, and thus another one of my dreams will go unfulfilled.

UPDATE: All the forementioned comments have reappeared, but all of today’s comments have disappeared. And it has started to rain frogs. I made up one of those.

The Germans, trying to compensate for their harsh sounding language, are in a race with France to become the biggest wussies in the world in their actions. Schroeder is being super anti-war to try and do better in the polls with his cowardly populace while his opponent Stroiber has had to back off from being too pro-American. The article mentions that Germany is “a country with a deep pacifist streak.” Now, I had a public school education, so my knowledge of history is quite sketchy, but somehow I think I remember that Germany wasn’t always so pacifist. Yeah, and I think the time they took up arms wasn’t for a good cause like we would ask them now, but something that was… what’s that word… not good. Nah, I probably don’t know what I’m talking about.

It’s always concerned me that pretty much no other country than the U.S. is for a war against Iraq. What this says to me – and to any logical person – is that all other countries are a bunch of pathetic, whiny losers. What the hell is wrong with them? I know, you’re probably saying, “Frank, don’t be concerned with what other countries think; they suck and we don’t need them for anything.” This is true, but it would improve my faith in humanity if just a few more weren’t cowardly naysayers. Luckily, Tony Blair comes along and starts talking so sensibly that you’d think he is an American. From reading The Guardian, I got this idea that the British were a bunch of crumpet eating pansies, but luckily that’s far from the truth. Now no one else can say, “The whole world is against invading Iraq.” It’s the whole world minus Britain, biatch!

Israel expelled two relatives of a Palestinian terrorist for being complicit in his actions. They got money and weren’t shot or nothing, so it seemed like a sweet deal for them, but still lots of people are angry for some unfathomable reason. Maybe it’s the whole inefficiency of the expulsion process; it involved a whole convoy of jeeps just to get two people from the West Bank to Gaza. Now, I’m an engineer, so I’m always looking for the more efficient ways to do things. That’s why I propose to Israel to build something I will call the Expel-o-matic; it will be like a giant airgun. The expellee gets to say goodbye to his relatives and then is placed in the loading chamber. Then pressurized air sends the Palestinian in a direct path from the West Bank to Gaza without a whole lot of hoopla. Israel can also show they’re compassionate by giving the person a helmet (price of helmet comes out of 1,000 shekel allotment), thus silencing shrill voices in Europe. Also, it could be used as a way of getting rid of Arafat by putting up a sign saying “Free Baby Wipes” that points into the loading the chamber. Hmm, come to think of it, I probably got this whole idea from a Looney Tunes episode. Anyway, as always, if someone is interested, please send me millions of dollars. And you better add in a little more money than you think it will cost, because I do tend to embezzle.

Colin Powell ended up being heckled at Johannesburg. How dumb are these people? Don’t they realize that Powell is the only person who might actually listen to their idiotic opinions instead of just turning the hose on them?

Anyway, I have my own pratical plan for solving world hunger for those who are interested. It involves another problem: endangered species. I’m always hearing how all our polution, hunting, and cutting down forests have caused so many different animals to become endangered – hell, there are so many endangered species now you can’t hardly swing a dead cat without hitting one. So why don’t we round up all these endangered species and feed them to the hungry; there should be plenty for everyone. Then two problems will be solved: no more hunger and no more endangered species. Everyone will be happy.