Bush scaled back his Iraq resolution so the Democrats might not be such whiny bitches about it. Instead of being able to kill anyone he wants when he wants and making it optional to tell anyone, he decided to be nice and limit his killing and tell the Speaker of the House and the president pro tempore before mass-slaughter commences. I guess he’d just say, “Hey, just so you know, I’m going to kill me some Iraqis.” Then he could shake his fist at them and threaten, “And don’t you tell any of the Europeans so they can ruin my fun.” And I bet they would listen, because Bush looks like he might actually follow through and punch someone. So I think this system works fine. Daschle, who I believe said in a speech he is not interested in the security of the American people, still thinks there is a long way to go with the resolution. Who knows what that means? He probably wants to remove all that distracting war talk and instead make the Iraq resolution a repeal of the tax cut. Perhaps Bush can punch him. He’ll probably whine about it to the press, but then Bush can threaten to punch him again. Daschle will then remember how much that first punch hurt and capitulate. It’s a common but effective political strategy. Anyway, something needs to be done to get moving on the Iraq attack; every day Saddam’s palaces aren’t piles of rubble, baby Jesus cries.

I think the best description of many people in the entertainment industry is “well meaning retards.” They all want to genuinely help people so much, but they just happen to be some of the dumbest people to ever grace God’s green earth. There is hardly a better example than Barbra Streisand. Were she some regular person, she’d just be an idiot on the street who no one ever listened to enough to gain a full appreciation of how profoundly stupid she is. Instead, as part of some cruel joke, she is famous and we all get to hear her amusing idiocy. The Drudge Report has obtained a fax she sent to “Gebhardt” (yes, it’s misspelled, but give her credit for getting the silent ‘d’ right), and she rails against the war on Iraq and the evil Republicans in a manner that is not only moronic, but also cliched. So, who gave her the idea she had anything original or intelligent to say? They must be very mean people and should be hurt. Yes, it’s funny to laugh at Streisand, but do those who encourage her to speak out ever stop to think of her feelings? She is a human being, and, if they had any concern for her, the would lock her away in a home and train her to keep quiet through a series of painful shocks.

Daschle is having a hissy fit because Bush stated the obvious that, “Democrats are not interested in the security of the American people.” I can sympathize, as this whole fighting terrorism stuff is sure inconvenient for Democrats during the election cycle. When the issue is important stuff like national security and keeping America safe from murderers, Republicans are trusted more. Democrats, on the other hand, are much more trusted with piddling crap. People think that Democrats are too whiny and touchy-feely to kill bad people when needed but are just whiny enough to get them cheaper prescriptions and free stuff. Problem is, when the focus is important things like wars, people don’t give a rats ass about saving a few cents on Prozac, so the Democrats need to keep the focus away from the war. Is this the same as not being interested in the security of the American people? Yes, but it’s not fair to point that out. If the Democrats were all really interested in keeping people safe from terrorists, then they’d all have to resign and appoint competent Republicans in their place (competent = not like Hagel), and that’s expecting a little too much of them.

A Berkeley study shows that teenagers are more conservative on average than their parents. The results of the poll were that teenagers were more in favor of federal funding of faith based charities, school prayer, and restrictions on abortion than adults even though so many of them dress like stupid punks. This is a good thing, but the article doesn’t seem to say why this happened. Was it just a result of simple teenage rebellion?

“My parents are always like, ‘Let’s abort everybody and not pray,’ but I’m not like my parents.”
“Yeah, parents are so stupid and tend towards left-wing positions on social issues. Let’s go hang out at the mall.”

I’m not good at this leagal mumbo jumbo; did the death penalty get outlawed again? What’s it with with these judges anyway? First they say we can only execute members of Mensa, then we can’t give props to God when saying the pledge, and now we can’t kill criminals all together. What gives? Now we’ll just have to stick to killing evil foreigners; much less paperwork. Hell, we can “regime change” until the seas turn red with blood and we don’t have to do any appeals or nut’n. Well, I just hope that when attacked by a criminal in the street you still don’t have to go through some trial before being able to unload a fifteen round clip into the guy and then slapping in another clip and unloading that into him and then kicking him a few times. And I better not end up being stuck at the police station answering questions for an hour next time either.

I read that American troops are headed to the Ivory Coast. My first question was, what country or countries is the Ivory Coast in? Ends up – I’m not making this up – it is a country! A country named “Ivory Coast.” That’s not even a good enough name for like a little town. I could maybe see it as the name of a hotel, but a whole country! What war did they lose to get stuck with that name? So, I looked it up in the CIA World Fact Book, but it wasn’t there. So I then looked under ‘C’ in case it was listed as “Coast, Ivory” for some reason. There I found Cote d’Ivoire which seemed to be it. I found out they have close ties to France and export coffee before my attention span petered out. Anyway, the American troops are going there to save missionary children from violent rebels (can we be anymore the “good guys” than that?) and perhaps kill some Ivory Coastians or whatever you call them. Well, Godspeed to them and… is one of it’s neighbors named “Burkina Faso”? Well, I guess not everyone can make fun of the Ivory Coast. My God, how many countries are there?

Now that we hate Germany, the uestion is what to do about it. One’s first instinct is to make a declaration, “We hate Germany!” and then launch cruise missiles at them. Though it is logical, we’d be called “undiplomatic” for doing that, and there is nothing worse than being called undiplomatic. Instead, we have to express our hatred for the Germans in less obvious ways while never actually owning up to how much we think they suck. Here are some ways:

In a “typo,” have Germany listed in the axis of evil. Say you thought you remembered them being in an axis of some sort.
Have the president casually refer to Germany as a “third world country.” Deny it later.
In official documents, constantly use the phrase, “So simple, even a German could understand it.”
Throw great party inviting all America’s allies and even a few terrorist nations such as Syria, Lybia, and Holland, but conspicuously don’t invite Germany.
Have the American Kennel Club change the name of the German Shepherd to the “Stupid Kraut Dog.” Have it described as the dumbest and smelliest breed of dog.
Move German embassy moved to back room at local IHOP. Make sure they don’t get any special discounts there.
Have a secret ops mission to give Schroeder a wedgie just before a major speech. Make jokes about it but deny all culpability.
When picking teams for an international kick ball game, and the final choice is between France and Germany, from now on pick France.

If Germany still seems to not get the picture, then, before all the U.N., have America say, “Anyone who is an ally of Germany, raise your hand,” and make sure its said in a way that other countries know they’ll be made fun of too if they do raise their hand. Then no one will say they like Germany. Hopefully that will finally get them to elect a leader we can trust, like someone named Joe Smith who doesn’t speak German at all.

Gerhard Schroeder won the election yesterday. Know who also won an election in the past? Hitler. Hitler was elected in Germany. Know what country Schroeder won his election in? Germany as well. Schroeder was wearing a nice suit and tie for the occasion – just like Hitler used to wear – and combed his hair too – like Hitler. He then gave a speech – Hitler loved speeches – in German (guess what language Hitler spoke) while standing up (no wheelchair for Hitler) and, though I don’t know the text of the speech (know whose speeches I also don’t know the text of? That’s right, Hitler!), I’m sure it was all about how he’d improve Germany, just like Hitler would promise. Schroeder also said he wouldn’t help America fight Iraq. Now, who is that other person who never helped America fight Iraq? Oh yeah, Hitler! And what kind of name is Gerhard? I’ve never known anyone named Gerhard. I’ve also never known anyone named Adolph. To be fair, there are some differences between Schroeder and Hitler. Hitler had a mustache, but Schroeder, quite conspicuously, does not (almost too conspicuously, if you ask me). Also, Schroeder is not responsible for the death of millions, but, hey, the night is still young.

Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Jesus and have it in two ancient languages – Latin and Aramaic – with no subtitles. I think this is a good idea. I had Latin in high school, and there wasn’t very much interesting stuff out there to translate. The Romans, despite killing lots of people, never made any movies. This one guy Virgil wrote this epic called Aeneid, but he didn’t really ever finish it, and, frankly, it does need some editing (those guys need to lay off the semicolons). So more cool stuff in Latin would have made class more interesting, and watching a movie, any movie, is usually better than the regular work. Hopefully schools won’t get scared away from it because it involves Jesus; some people don’t like religious stuff like that though I thought everyone liked Jesus. He was real nice guy to everyone and he never lost his temper… well, except for that one time when he freaked out and started knocking over table in a temple (note to self: when asking, “What would Jesus do?” remember that the answer is sometimes “Freak out and knock over tables.”) Anyway, when they show the movie here, I hope they leave enough lights on in the theater so I can read my Latin dictionary and perhaps understand every eighth word or so (“He said ‘es’, that means he’s telling that guy ‘you are’ something.”).

Mesa, Arizona Mayor Keno Hawker is proposing that confiscated firearms be sold in auction instead of destroyed. This shows that Hawker is a moral man, because destroying guns is wrong. Guns are cool looking, which makes them a work of art, and you don’t destroy works of art (unless it’s made by some hippy). Would you destroy the Mona Lisa just because it was confiscated from a criminal? And what about other things confiscated from criminals, do they ever think to destroy those too? Like, if a box of puppies was taken from a criminal cartel, would they just throw them all in a fire? No, the only item they do this to is guns, because there are evil people out there who hate freedom, hate America, hate themselves, hate their mothers, hate apple pie, hate humanity, and hate guns (and probably would throw puppies in a fire if they could). These hateful people should be routed out of office so that confiscated guns can be sold at auction and thus giving cheap guns to a needy populace and, along with it, love and happiness.

It seems that whenever there is a suicide bombing, later on the news we’ll hear, “This just in: there are reports of the Israelis shelling Arafat’s compound,” and they act all surprised even though it happens everytime. The Israelis always assure the media that they are not targeting Arafat and won’t kill or expel him. Instead, they just seem perfectly content killing and destroying everyone and everything around him. I think that’s fine and dandy, but I have just one question: how big is this compound? Aren’t the Israelis going to eventually run out of parts of it to shell, the whole thing being ruduced to one room containing Arafat who is frantically cleaning the dust off him with baby wipes? Then what do they do? Do they just fire really near where Arafat is while exclaiming, “Not shelling you! Not shelling you!” If it makes any difference, the Israelis have my permission to finally go ahead and kill and expel Arafat. I really don’t see how anyone will care that much; maybe the impotent Germans will whine about it, but it’s not like anyone will do anything. Then Israelis can then get back on to the road to peace and start shelling all the other Palestinian buildings.

Did you know that the earth used to have rings? Wow, wouldn’t that be cool. Frankly, I’m getting tired of the moon. It just sits there, and all we ever see is the one side. Why don’t we blow it up to make some rings again? I think that’s a great project for America to do. After we blow up the moon, soon everyone would see the world’s wonderful new rings, and then maybe they would decide to stop disliking America and to be nice to everybody. Isn’t that a happy thought? Someone send me millions and I’ll get working on the demolitions.

European scientist have created a bunch of antihydrogen to allow them to test some physics theories. Now, you might think that antihydrogen would make your voice lower if inhaled from an antiballoon, but actually, if physic theories hold up, antihydrogen should act just like regular hydrogen. So, you’d then think the experiment to test whether our physics theories hold up is for one of the scientists to inhales the antihydrogen and then see if he can make the other scientists laugh by saying, “Waaaaaaaaaasup!” The problem with that is that antimatter doesn’t get along well with regular matter, and thus the scientist’s head would explode (plus, the whole “wassup” thing is pretty tired now and not likely to cause laughs even when aided by helium). Though sudden explosions of the head might make the other scientists chuckle if they are mad scientists, it wouldn’t prove anything we don’t already know. What they would need is an antiscientist to inhale the antihydrogen and then try to talk in an high-pitch antivoice. But the antiscientist would explode in a regular lab, so we’d need an antilab to house him. But there aren’t any antilabs, because it looks like there is only regular old matter in the universe. This is a strange asymmetrical quality to the universe, and my theory is that early on there was a big matter war and our matter won out because it is much more superior to that other stupid matter. I don’t have any evidence to back up this theory, but I do have drawings of what I think the laser guns they used looks like.

Anyway, I have a better idea for the antihydrogen than proving physics (I gave up on physics after I heard about that quantum crap; I don’t care if it’s true – it’s stupid). First, let’s steal it from Europe; I don’t like them having things we don’t. Then, we can put it in a regular looking balloon with a special magnetized field to contain it. Next, we find a dictator that likes to entertain his guests by inhaling helium from balloons and imitating Mickey Mouse (I think Castro is one). Finally, we replace one of his balloons with our balloon of death, and, then, when he inhales the contents, BOOM!! And no one will ever believe we replaced one of his balloons with one filled with antihydrogen because that’s just too convoluted a plan. It’s perfect!

UPDATE: Whoops. In my zeal, I didn’t realize I was talking about hydrogen and not helium. I’m not sure how that could have happened (actually, it was probably something like the Moses effect), but I blame communists. So, will inhaling hydrogen also make one’s voice high-pitch, or is my plan shot (kids, do not find this out by trying to inhale hydrogen… especially if you plan on having a smoke afterwards)? I guess the plan could be saved by taking the antihydrogen to an antisun so that it would use its antifusion to make antihelium, but now this is almost getting to be a little too complicated.

So PETA has been giving money to terrorists, but that’s not the big news to me. Now people are demanding that their tax exempt status be removed, to which I reply, “What the @#&$! They had tax exempt status!” Why the hell wouldn’t they have to pay taxes!? I mean, do you get tax exempt for just being a bunch of annoying, moronic dicks? Do teenagers get tax exempt status? Well, hopefully now the meat-consuming FBI will get on their asses and show them you the meanest, toughest animals are, which, incidentally, are the the only ones who make good use of tasers and cudgels when they get pissed off.

Iraq has decided to let in weapon inspectors. Dammit. This isn’t going to ruin our plans to kick the crap out of them, is it? Can’t we just bomb them anyway and call it inspections? After we hit their buildings, we observe the color of the resultant flame to find out what chemicals were inside; sounds more efficent than walking through the buildings. We could also inspect much of their ground troops and military hardware. Finally, we should inspect Saddam with a sniper rifle.

And if any of you U.N. members complain, then we’ll inspect you next. Capisce?