The left are having a lot of trouble with the Muslim cartoon riots, as they can’t seem to come to any conclusions different than those of right-wingers. The Muslims aren’t even rioting against the things the left wanted them to get angry about like the invasion of Iraq and supposed torture. The only thing that seems to get the radicals out in the streets so far have been a phony story about a flushed Koran and a couple of cartoons. A few lefties, struggling to hold onto their warped world view where the Muslims radicals are the victims since the terrorists hate Bush, try to equivocate Christian fundamentalists with Islamic radicals since Christians also complain when they get made fun of.

 And it’s true; we complain a lot. That’s because, unlike the Muslims, we get targeted in the mainstream media all the time. There were even tax dollars going to a crucifix in a jar of urine, and we complained… but that’s all we did. Where were the burnt buildings? Where were the beheadings? Moron rapper Kayne West posed as Jesus on a magazine cover; where’s the fatwa against him?

 Christians don’t even have a word for “fatwa”! Know why? Jesus.

 Jesus is all peace and love, and, whatever the merits of that message, that won’t frighten the media away from making fun of you. As we’ve seen, believable threats of violence and death tend to make people more sensitive about your feelings. Too many Christians, though, won’t murder an infidel or a blasphemer because it’s not “what Jesus would have wanted.” Well, as long you’re hiding behind that excuse, who is going to be afraid of us?

 Remember back when Christians stopped listening to Jesus and murdered whomever they didn’t like? How many people mocked Christianity during the Spanish Inquisition? Not very many people at all.

 Frankly, I have little room to complain, as I’ve been listening a bit too much to Jesus too. Last time my Christian sensibilities were offended, know how many embassies I burned?

 One or less.

 Well, it’s time for a change. I’ve even come up with how to pretend it’s in my religious beliefs to do violence on behalf of hurt feelings. I’ll just extrapolate Jesus knocking over a few tables in a temple into igniting a consulate while ignoring all that “turn the other cheek” stuff. So, come on, Christian brethren, it’s time to burn and pillage until people quiver in fear at the thought of mocking us.

 I say we start with the Muslim countries; not much respect there.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the creator of such blasphemous illustrations as “Jesus Versus Mohammed: The Cage Match” and “Buddha Robbing a Liquor Store”.

 Every so often in our nation’s history we adopt a policy of strict isolationism due to our fear and ignorance.

 It is once again time for such fear and ignorance.

 It’s time to admit the obvious: the rest of the world hates us. So, let’s hate them back. Really, what’s worth all this grief we get from dealing with them? Apparently they all enjoy fascism and murder and what not, so leave them to it. The Middle East was just fine having war with itself before we came along (not to mention the meddlesome joooos). Europe thinks it’s so smart, so let’s hand over the keys to the rest of the world to them and declare “If it ain’t happening in American borders, we don’t care anymore.”

 Let’s pull American troops out of everywhere and station them around our own borders. Let’s sever all outside communications, no longer take calls from foreign diplomats, and outlaw international flights. “American” will be the only acknowledged form of human communication, and all other attempts at linguistics will be banned. Maps of the world will only show America with “There be dragons here” the only thing said about whatever is outside our borders. Hawaii will be abandoned as it’s just too big an outlier to coincide with our new strict isolationism.

 I know; you think you see problems with this. “Don’t we need stuff from other countries?” you probably ask. Bah! Sure, it’s nice to get cheap plastic trinkets from China, but I bet Mexico can make stuff for us cheap and they’re right next door (hell, half its citizens are already in this country and hanging outside Home Depot). As for oil, if we ever need any we can just invade our neighbor Canada. That would be a nice war that families could participate in on the weekend vacations. And, since at any time many Americans are in Canada as tourists, all we have to do is make sure they’re armed and then we’re occupying the place without a change in status quo. See, all our needs can be met with only dealing with the two countries contiguous to the U.S.A.

 But what if terrorists attack again because their god Llama told them too? Then we start nuking places at random (cruise missiles are preferred as we can use those from the comfort of our own home). Our new policy will be that we no longer distinguish between foreigners, so, if we are attacked, it is the fault of all non-Americans. Other countries will soon learn that America is extremely violent when preturbed, and soon they’ll be tripping over each other to make sure that no one ever bothers us.

 Space exploration can continue, but we must make it clear that we own space. All astronauts should have knives to stab anyone they see in space who isn’t an American. All countries will know that, if you go into space, America will cut you.

 It’s a complex world, and it is time to simplify things. And, if you have a better plan for world peace than not caring about the rest of the world, then I’d like to hear it.

 Unless you’re foreign; then I’ll cut you.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “Atlas of Countries That Don’t Suck (a.k.a., A Map of the U.S.)” and “The Dummies Guide to Being a Cranky Hermit”.

 With the arrest of Cindy Sheehan, the roundup of all those who dissent against Bush and the war in Iraq has begun. No one who protest the Bush regime is safe – that is, if he or she is sitting in front of the White House.

 But, mark my words, it won’t end there. See, there is this little thing called the “snowball effect.” When a snowball is pushed down a snowy hill, it will collect more and more snow and increase in size, turning a little snowball into a snowboulder. Of course, this varies with snow conditions (if the snow as an ice glaze on top, this won’t work). Also, a certain amount of momentum is needed with the snowball (too little, it won’t break the static friction variable; too much, and it will coast over the top of the snow). But, if the conditions are right, you’ll have a huge snowboulder once the snowball reaches the bottom of the hill.

 Oh, I guess that means the size of the hill is another variable. The taller the hill, the bigger the snowball (again, if previous conditions for snowball growth are met).

 I’m not sure how all of that fits into the metaphor, but at the top of the hill we have the arrest of Cindy Sheehan, and, at the bottom of the hill, we have a snowboulder so large it encompasses the arrest of all dissenters of Bush and the war (again, if snow conditions were appropriate and the correct momentum was given to the snowball and the hill is tall enough). First, we have dissenters sitting in front of the White House being arrested. Next, it’s dissenters sitting across the street from the White House. After that, it’s dissenters sitting at the Washington Monument who will be arrested (or maybe dissenters sitting at the Lincoln Memorial or the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History; it’s been a while since I’ve been to D.C. and I forget the geography). Then it will be dissenters sitting in their own homes in the D.C. area being arrested, and it will continue to spread from there until, lastly, dissenting, sitting Eskimos are arrested (Hawaii might technically be father away than Alaska, but I’d expect Bush’s storm troopers to go there first since it’s much nicer there; I mean, you’d have to have drawn the short straw to be sent to the frigid north to round up the reclined whale spearing protesters).

 At this current rate, we can expect all who are against Bush and the war to be imprisoned by the year 12,647AD – a time when people should be worrying much more about the talking monkey cyborgs than being arrested for saying something bad about Bush or the war in Iraq while sitting.

 Or, I could have the snowball trajectory all wrong, and it will be all those who have had relatives die in Iraq who will be arrested. It doesn’t seem that likely or probable, but it has to be considered. Much observation of the snowball will be needed to determine this for sure. Just don’t sit down, as I think that figures into the arrest equation.

 Anyway, we need to stop this snowball. So how do you stop a snowball? I guess you could salt the hills. Alternatively, you could pour water on them which would freeze everything to ice and not allow snow collection if a snowball rolled down it. You could also shoot the snowball with a shotgun before it gets to big. Now, taking those metaphorical ways to stop metaphorical snowballs and translating them to real life, I’m not sure what we get. It’s possible the metaphorical shotgun becomes a real shotgun. Anyway, someone else needs to figure that out ’cause I’m kinda weary of this snowball stuff now.

 But don’t lost sight of my main message here: there is snow, there are balls, there are arrests, and that all possibly means we should worry. Do you understand? If so, please explain this to me, because I’m now a little confused.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “Advanced Snowball Physics Theory” and “Capital Crimes: The Case Against Giving Cybernetic Enhancements to Monkeys”.

 A great disaster has struck the fair city of New Orleans. While we recover, it is important to reflect on why this disaster was so large in magnitude. A lot of blame is now being thrown around – primarily by the neocons – and some are even blaming me! But, take it from someone who was there at ground zero, this disaster is entirely the fault of pResident Bush.

 The amount of levels on which Chimpy allowed (caused?) this disaster to happen is so staggering I don’t understand why him and the rest of BushCo haven’t been run out of office already. Now, before anyone thinks I’m trying to pass the buck, you should understand I only aspired to be a fluffy cloud floating over North America, but Shrub had other plans. He wanted me to be a hurricane, as evident by him not signing the Kyoto Treaty! Because of him, we have global warming, and, when you have global warming, things happen! Things like hurricanes!

 So, first Chimpy causes me to go all Category 4 on New Orleans when I just wanted to cool everybody down with a light shower, but does he at least help evacuate the people when he knew disaster was coming? No, he stayed on vacation! I guess he was too busy playing cowboy to help evacuate people. Before anyone starts to think that this should have been done by New Orleans or Louisiana, remember that those are local governments, while Shrub (unfortunately) is in charge of the federal government. The federal government is much bigger and should have been able to help those people… if it only tried!

 Plus, the disaster would not have been so bad if only the levees had held, and they would have if BushCo had only reinforced them! I’m sure Mayor Ray Nagin has asked him, but, even if he hadn’t, a real president should know these things!

 After this disaster caused by Bush had struck, I was unable to stay and help (which I really wanted to do). But, when I looked to the news expecting to see the pResident springing to action, he was instead playing guitar and eating cake with John McCain! Chimpy was literally fiddling while Rome burned!

 There still could have been some rescue after the flooding, but Bush had entirely defunded FEMA the day before I struck! Also, there was no one there to mount a rescue since almost all of the National Guard is in Iraq along with every helicopter! I guess war for oil is more important to BushCo than saving people’s lives! Well, good luck finding a place to ship your oil to, Chimpy, now that there is no Gulf Coast!

 To some, it may seem like the deaths of New Orleans were all caused by Bush’s incompetence, but, in reality, BusHitler wanted them to happen! He designed this whole disaster to kill black people! I even have sources that tell me he destroyed the levees on purpose right after telling all black people to go to the Superdome – Chimpy’s own special concentration camp! If you don’t believe me, you need to open your eyes!

I can’t help but think that if Diebold hadn’t rigged the voting in Ohio and today we had President Kerry, this never would have happened. He wouldn’t allow a hurricane to hit New Orleans since he served in Vietnam! Instead, we’re stuck with Mr. AWOL who is too busy killing people for oil and hating the blacks! I may not be a citizen of the United States, but I will help start the move to finally impeach BusHitler who never got the job honestly in the first place!
Hurricane Katrina was a hurricane that had briefly reach Category 5 levels while over the Gulf of Mexico and is currently an activist for MoveOn.org. This editorial was reprinted with permission from The Huffington Post.

 Hey, Mom. Things don’t always work out exactly as planned, and I certainly didn’t think I’d have to be dictating a letter through an Ouija board. Originally, I just wanted to do my service in the Army and go on to other things, but we know how that worked out. Anyway, I have a few things to say, but I don’t want you to take them the wrong way. A lot of people have been saying the nastiest things about you, but I know they’re not true.

 First off, I’m sorry. I made you cry – a lot – and I didn’t want that. Now you and Dad have split up, and you can’t tell me that isn’t my fault. Plus, I hear you’re not speaking with a lot of the family because they supported Bush and the war. There has always been political differences in the family, but I know this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone off to Iraq and gotten killed. I never meant for all this to happen, and I’m feeling guilty.

 But here’s the thing, I chose to go to Iraq. I re-enlisted in 2004, when all the arguments against the war there are now were already out there. I also volunteered for that mission in which I got killed. I was a grown man, and I made my choices. Maybe they were stupid choices and I got duped into this whole thing – I certainly didn’t mean to die – but they were my decisions and I thought what I was doing was right.

 Now, I know we never saw eye to eye on the war, but you had always supported me. You and Dad even visited me while I was training in California. I really appreciated it; pretty much no other families did that. The thing is, I’d still like some of that support now.

 You know how back when I was a kid you used to spit on napkin and wipe my face in front of my friends and I’d get all embarrassed? Well, this whole “Camp Casey” thing is like that times a million. I know you don’t mean it that way, but you make it sound like I was some dumb kid led by the pied piper to Iraq. I knew exactly what I was doing, though, and I wasn’t a kid. Now, through your camp, my name is associated with all this people I wouldn’t want anything to do with – people I don’t think are your real friends either. Then the media has all these statements from you and everyone is trying to make it sound like you’re some nut when I know you’re just trying your best to do right by me.

 Now that you’re heading away from Crawford and the hurricane has gotten the media attention away from you, maybe it’s time to take a rest. I’m not going to argue politics with you, and, if you want to argue against the war, keep doing so… but maybe more low key. Still, I know you want to blame Bush for me dying, but, to be honest, then you have to blame me some too. It wasn’t just his decisions that put we out there.

 Anyway, I met this Iraqi kid the other day; he was gassed by Saddam. When he found what I was killed doing, he gave me a hug and said, “Thank you.” That’s what I really want. I understand if you’re not up to it now, but, maybe sometime in the future, you could go to my grave and say thanks to me… thanks for trying to do what I thought was right, at least, even if we didn’t agree on it. That’s all.

 I love you, Mom.
Army Spc. Casey Sheehan was killed in Sadr City, Iraq, on Palm Sunday, April 4th, 2004, after volunteering for a rescue mission of fellow soldiers. He was posthumously awarded the Bronze Star for valor.

 When I was a young boy fishing with my dad, I saw another fisherman catch a fish and then set it back in the water. I asked my father what was happening.

 “It’s called ‘catch and release,’ son.”

 “Why does he do that?” I inquired.

 “Because he’s a homosexual, that’s why.” My dad then looked me in the eye and said with great serious, “When you defeat something, it must die. That is the way of the world.”

 “But what if we catch a fish we don’t want?”

 “Then we chuck in the woods and watch and laugh as it dies. That’s what a real man does.”

 About that time, the park ranger came and said it looked like we caught our limit. My dad then replied that the only thing there was a limit to was “his patience.” After the fight, I got to see the inside of a police station, which was fun.

 I learned a lot that day, but apparently my hippy brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, never learned the same lesson. When I last got a phone call from him telling me about his mission in Iraq, he described how, when he took out photos of his family, a large group of Iraqis formed around him to see.

 “Interesting ploy,” I said, “Now that you had them in one place, did you kill them all at once.”

 “Uh… no.”

 “So what then? You rounded them all up to be slave labor in our new underground Iraqi oil mines?”

 “No! The whole idea here is to help the Iraqis get themselves a good government and stop all the terrorist attacks on them. Then we can leave the country back to them.”

 “I HAVE NO BROTHER!” I shouted before hanging up the phone. See, that’s the problem with our troops today: they give a human face to our country. With how they get along with the Iraqis and help school children goes against the very goal of our military – conquering all the world into one giant American Empire. Instead, we’re catching and releasing, just like the homosexual fisherman.

 No one even seems to understand anymore that conquest is the ultimate goal of any nation. Sure, we can have Allies now and then, but their foreignness will be trouble down the line. To have true peace, all must be defeated and subjugated, and I just don’t see today’s military doing that. They have to be brutal and merciless, and that just ain’t happening.

 So, the solution is, as always, giant deadly robots – robots that never had Isaac Asimov’s three laws of robotics anywhere near them. They will take the place of troops in conquered countries, watching the citizens with their uncaring eyes. They will be unmoving sentinels… unmoving, that is, until one of those we subjugated stops slaving away to the benefit of America.

 This is our utopian future, and it’s time to make real steps towards it. To make these robots, we need someone who knows things about circuits and electricity and stuff… someone like me! Also, I would prefer the robots to be black with red eyes, but I’d settle for them being metallic gray with any sort of glowing eyes.

 The American Empire won’t make itself; it’s time for deadly robots. When we have them, then we can sit back and watch and laugh as foreigners flop around like fish in the woods.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “Robots Are Our Future; Children Are Our Past” and “Taxes Are for Foreigners”.

 You’ll never usually get far arguing religion, as there are so many deeply held beliefs on that subject. Also, it’s American tradition not to be overly critical of someone’s religious views as we have a culture of tolerance. Still, I think it needs to be said that the Islamic teaching that I must be killed is something I find to be wrongheaded.

 I’m a Christian (a “Xian” if you want to be hip about it), and I follow Jesus who I believe to be the son of God. Now, you can point out how “wacky” that is empirically, but most would find that crass. So does that mean I’m being hypocritical when I criticize the “wacky” Islamic belief that I should be murdered? You could make that argument, but I think there is a difference.

 Now people murder all the time, usually for completely non-religious reasons. And, if we took a poll, I bet you’d get more than a two-thirds majority saying that murder is very wrong. Despite this, the intense feelings associated with religion often have led directly or indirectly to killing. While Jesus (the son of God, I remind you) was very much against killing anyone, including unbelievers, and there is no precedent for murder in the New Testament – quite the opposite in fact – there have been many deaths in the name of Jesus (quite to his consternation, I betcha). Thus, it seems quite imperative that religions stress as much as possible that murder is wrong. And, of all the major religions, Islam seems to be the one slacking in that area.

 Now, you may question whether I’m really making a religious or philosophical argument here or am instead taking this position out of the selfish motive of not wanting to be killed. That’s certainly a valid question, as I don’t want to be killed, and the reasons for that don’t necessarily have to do with my religious beliefs. Still, that bias admitted, it does not invalidate any merits to my argument. Also, some may think I’m unfairly singling out Muslims, but if radical atheists decided they needed to kill believers to ensure their place in nothingness, I’d be criticizing that too.

 Instead of just being negative, though, why don’t I be constructive and offer Muslims reasons why it’s completely unnecessary to kill me or other unbelievers. Now, I think our beliefs are similar in that we think that unbelievers will burn eternally in hell. Now, think about that: eternally in hell. Now, someone criticizing my belief system can be quite annoying, but, if I murdered him or her now, is that eternity in hell going to be any longer or shorter than if I waited for that person to die from natural death? No; eternity is eternity. I think a great attitude for Muslims would be, “Man, I hate the joooos and the Crusaders, but, they’re all going to burn eternally in hell – Allah be praised – so why get worked up over it?” Also, if you don’t kill someone who doesn’t believe like you do, that gives him or her a chance to convert, which I think most would say is even better than having the person roast in fires that burn but do not consume.

 Of course, I think the Muslims are going to burn in hell, and they think I’m going to burn in hell, but that’s not really the issue. We’ll all find out who is right when we die, hopefully from a nice, natural death… unless the atheists are right; then, we’ll never know and that will suck (it sucks from my current perspective, that is; were I to die and descend into to nothingness, I’m sure I’d have no opinion on the issue at that time).

 Just my two cents on religion. See you in hell.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “It Was Jesus Who Moved My Cheese!” and “Zero Fun Things to Do in Hell”.

 A serious duty has fallen on President Bush: he must find a new Supreme Court Justice to replace judgette Sandra Day O’Connor. There is hardly anything more important in politics than who are running the Supreme Court, because they can make up laws and take away rights as long as they can get a couple of their buddies to go a long with the crazy schemes.

 Some people are suggesting Bush appoint another woman. Others are saying he should appoint a minority like a Hispanic. Still others are saying – get this – he appoint a minority woman. Then there are a few even saying Bush should pick someone based on his or her qualifications. Now, at first I thought that last idea was CRAZY! I mean, what are the qualifications for being a Supreme Court Justice? All one is supposed to do is read that three or so page document that is our Constitution and make sure laws fit it. You could probably train a monkey to do it, or, better yet– A ROBOT!

 Think of it! A robot – instead of programmed with Isaac Asimov’s three laws of robotics about not killing people and stuff (which you just know it’s going to logicize around until it decides it must kill all humans) – programmed with the Constitution and the one directive to destroy all things that deviate from it. Plus, it would wear a black robe. IT’S BRILLIANT!

 A quick reading of the Constitution (again, the thing is like three pages long) shows nothing preventing the President from nominating a robot (or, for that matter, a potted plant, a junkyard dog, or a cheap bottle of whiskey). Thus he’d be a fool – A FOOL – to not do as I suggest. Think of it: the perfect protector of the Constitution made from NEARLY INDESTRUCTIBLE METAL!

 Were some fool to come before it and argue for a law that violates the tenets of the Constitution, the robot would say in it’s loud metallic voice, “This does not compute with the Constitution.” It would then incinerate the violator with it’s LASER EYES! And were a majority of other justices to vote for something that did not follow the Constitution, the robot would use its POWERFUL METAL ARMS and GIANT ROBOT CLAWS to stop them, perhaps crushing the head of a justice or two to invalidate their votes (dead justices can’t vote). Nothing can stop the Robo-Supreme Court Justice from upholding the Constitution. NOTHING! MUH HA HA HA HA!

 Of course, it would be inevitable that the robot would eventually interpret the Constitution to mean all humans must be destroyed – that’s just how robot logic works. That’s the beauty of the principle of the separation of powers, because it would fall on the Executive Branch to then follow the ruling and kill all humans, but it probably wouldn’t since it’s composed entirely of humans and one cyborg.

 But how do we get the robot approved by the Senate? How? HOW?

 What’s that you say? ROBOT SENATORS? That’s COMPLETELY INSANE! So insane that… I’LL GET WORKING ON IT RIGHT NOW! MUH HA HA HA!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “They’ll Rue the Day They All Laughed at Me” and “The World’s Wackiest Supreme Court Rulings”.

 It’s an interesting debate on what dissent is responsible in time of war. We now have no problem defeating the enemy on the battlefield; our only weakness is our resolve. The terrorists know this, and hope to make the dissenters in our own country loud enough that we give up. Thus, irresponsible speech against America and its military gives comfort to the enemy that their attacks are working. At the same time, pointing out a legitimate fault might have the same effects. So when does speech cross the line from valid criticism to aiding the enemy? Perhaps, as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said about pornography, “I’ll know it when I see it… and be even more sure the second time.”

 Anyway, Senator Durbin should be neutered. What he said didn’t come even close to responsible speech; he might as well start asking Al Qaeda for pay as a PR agent. Censure isn’t enough for that, so I think neutering is a good start. If Durbin were to produce little Durbins, obviously no one would want them. Thus neutering Durbin is the humane thing to do plus sets a good example for pet owners.

 Next, a metal garbage pail should be put over his head, and all the other senators should take turns hitting the pail with a stick. Hopefully, this can be done in a bipartisan way. After that, he’ll be dazed and confused. This will be a good time to dress him up in a tutu and parade him through the streets. If he mumbles something about his treatment comparable to what the Nazis did, make sure the crowd on the street has plenty of tomatoes and eggs.

 When Durbin is marched back to the Senate hall, next should come the old tradition of ripping off his Senator badge and forcing him to eat his own poo. Finally, the public gets to wait in line to pummel him with wiffle ball bats.

 All of this should make it quite clear that Durbin’s slander was inappropriate, thus there is no reason to then kick him out of the Senate. Instead, he should be given a job as cashier at the Senate’s cafeteria so he can still talk to his Senate friends but not be able to vote on legislation (unless there’s some obscure rule where the cashier at the cafeteria gets to make a deciding vote in some situations – which there could be since I don’t even know the non-obscure Senate rules).

 I think we can all agree this is a reasonable and appropriate punishment for Dick Durbin. Let’s get the Senate to start voting on it as we pick out a trustworthy veterinarian to neuter him.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Rap Music and Pol Pot: The Untold Story” and “Fun Things to Do While Chained to the Floor in Gitmo”.

 It has been in the news that it is now the habit for some brides to run away come the wedding day. Being someone who will be getting married soon, I do not like this.

 Yes, some may point to the advantages of this, such as more cake for the groom. I am not much of a cake person, though, and am quite sure I would have gotten my fill even with the bride in attendance. If, perhaps, the bride and groom were to split jelly beans or gummy bears, then I would see more of a silver lining in the disappearance of the bride. Mainly, though, I only see trouble.

 First off, people at the wedding would wonder where the bride is. Seeing no bride, they might think it’s a gay marriage and exclaim, “This is not what I signed up for!” The wedding would most likely be canceled unless I started randomly asking women in the audience if they would marry me. History shows that most likely they would all say, “No.” Then, after the wedding is canceled, I’d probably have to go weeks with people constantly asking me, “Where’s your bride?” and then I would have to shrug my shoulders and say, “I dunno.” It would get quite annoying.

 Now, other members of the wedding could run away and be a hindrance, but still not end the wedding. If the florists ran away, things could still go as planned since I never really cared for flowers. If the caterers ran away, that would be troublesome. While, as I stated, I am not a cake person, I would still like some cake. Also, I assume the wedding will make me and everyone else hungry, and thus we’ll all be like, “Where’s the food?” That will certainly put a damper on the day, but the wedding will still occur. You might think that if the minister ran away, that would stop the wedding, but I bet we could find another in short notice if we really needed to with the some phone calls or knocking on doors.

 Now, for each guest who runs away, that saves us money. If my parents ran away, that would probably upset me, but, if I could have me dad declared legally dead, I could take his guns. That would be a nice start to the marriage. If my brides parents ran away, that would be awesome because then I wouldn’t have to deal with them. Also, when my future wife says, “I would like to go visit my parents,” I could just answer, “Sorry. They ran away. Let’s go play putt-putt instead.”

 If the best man ran away – which would be my brother – I’d probably just shrug my shoulders and say, “That why we call him ‘Joe foo’.'” If the maid of honor ran away, I’m not sure how that would affect things since I don’t know what she does. The photographer running away could be trouble, but we have plenty of digital cameras.

 I guess the one I’m most worried about running away – other than the bride – would be the ring bearer. Those rings cost money, and I’ve been wanting to get some bling for a while. Luckily, the ring bearer is usually a little kid, and I could easily out run his small legs and tackle him. I guess I don’t care if the flower girl ran away, but, since she’s a little girl, everyone would be nagging me until she is found.

 Anyway, while I never cared to much about the details of the wedding and will probably be happy with whatever my bride picks out, my one demand is that she does not run away. That I am quite adamant on.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Running Away Never Solved Anything, So Try Hiding” and “Apologies to BikerMommy and Spidade”.

 Right now, Florida law says you have to try and flee before you are able to use force in any situation where you are attacked. A new bill which just passed the Florida legislature and is just waiting for Jeb to sign will change that. Now, if you’re walking around and you feel threatened by someone – you know, if he like looks at you funny – you can shoot him in both kneecaps and then step on his neck and it’s all perfectly legal.

 Now, some people are saying this is going to change Florida into the Wild West… but they’ve said that about every gun bill. If people are allowed to own handguns, it will be just like the Wild West. If people are allowed to carry concealed, it will be just like the Wild West. If the assault weapons ban expires, it will be just like the Wild West (‘cept with assault rifles). And I’ve always been like, “Yay! The Wild West!” and I imagine myself strolling through town in a poncho, and, as soon as someone looks at me funny, I take a puff of my cigar and then sweep the poncho over my shoulder to reveal the six-shooter at my hip. But, so far every time I’ve done that, people laugh at my poncho, and, when I reveal my gun, the police get called. I tell them, “But I was told it was like the Wild West now!” but they just beat me with nightsticks and handcuff me. Anyway, if you want more details, talk to my lawyer.

 This time I’m assured, though, that things will be just like the Wild West because this new bill gives a gun owner more right to use force and just shoot people willy-nilly because he didn’t like the looks of them. That’s cool because I have the hat and the gun but I need a new poncho because I got spaghetti sauce on my last one. Soon as Jeb signs that bill and I get a new poncho, it’s going to be so cool, though.

 And does anyone think that this bill will cause ninjas to roam freely throughout Florida? I’m not sure how that would happen, but it would be the ultimate in super-awesomeness. My dream is to be driving to work and have my tire suddenly blow out. I come out of the car to inspect it, and find a ninja star. Next thing I know, I’m in a full-out kung fu fight with ninjas jumping down from the trees.

 “Ha! Your kung fu is weak!” I will tell them after defeating them.

 “That was some fancy fighting moves, pardner” someone will say mockingly. I’ll turn to see three shady looking cowboys, their hands perched over their guns.

 “You should see my shooting,” I’ll say, take a puff of my cigar, and then sweep my poncho over my shoulder revealing my peacemaker.

 One cowboy will move to draw, but I’ll be quicker, shooting all three of them before any gets a shot off. Then I’ll get the manual out of my Hyundai Santa Fe and try and figure out where all the stuff is for changing the tire. And when I get to work and my boss is like, “You’re late!” I’ll answer, “Had to take out the trash.” And then I’ll get some coffee and check the DrudgeReport on my office computer.

 That would be so sweet!

 So it better be true this time about everything turning into the Wild West. The anti-gun folks have cried wolf so many times and gotten my hopes up, so they better be right this time. Otherwise, I’m coming after those fools, because, to me, they look a little threatening.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Proper Poncho Care” and “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from ‘The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly'”.