Every so often in our nation’s history we adopt a policy of strict isolationism due to our fear and ignorance.
It is once again time for such fear and ignorance.
It’s time to admit the obvious: the rest of the world hates us. So, let’s hate them back. Really, what’s worth all this grief we get from dealing with them? Apparently they all enjoy fascism and murder and what not, so leave them to it. The Middle East was just fine having war with itself before we came along (not to mention the meddlesome joooos). Europe thinks it’s so smart, so let’s hand over the keys to the rest of the world to them and declare “If it ain’t happening in American borders, we don’t care anymore.”
Let’s pull American troops out of everywhere and station them around our own borders. Let’s sever all outside communications, no longer take calls from foreign diplomats, and outlaw international flights. “American” will be the only acknowledged form of human communication, and all other attempts at linguistics will be banned. Maps of the world will only show America with “There be dragons here” the only thing said about whatever is outside our borders. Hawaii will be abandoned as it’s just too big an outlier to coincide with our new strict isolationism.
I know; you think you see problems with this. “Don’t we need stuff from other countries?” you probably ask. Bah! Sure, it’s nice to get cheap plastic trinkets from China, but I bet Mexico can make stuff for us cheap and they’re right next door (hell, half its citizens are already in this country and hanging outside Home Depot). As for oil, if we ever need any we can just invade our neighbor Canada. That would be a nice war that families could participate in on the weekend vacations. And, since at any time many Americans are in Canada as tourists, all we have to do is make sure they’re armed and then we’re occupying the place without a change in status quo. See, all our needs can be met with only dealing with the two countries contiguous to the U.S.A.
But what if terrorists attack again because their god Llama told them too? Then we start nuking places at random (cruise missiles are preferred as we can use those from the comfort of our own home). Our new policy will be that we no longer distinguish between foreigners, so, if we are attacked, it is the fault of all non-Americans. Other countries will soon learn that America is extremely violent when preturbed, and soon they’ll be tripping over each other to make sure that no one ever bothers us.
Space exploration can continue, but we must make it clear that we own space. All astronauts should have knives to stab anyone they see in space who isn’t an American. All countries will know that, if you go into space, America will cut you.
It’s a complex world, and it is time to simplify things. And, if you have a better plan for world peace than not caring about the rest of the world, then I’d like to hear it.
Unless you’re foreign; then I’ll cut you.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “Atlas of Countries That Don’t Suck (a.k.a., A Map of the U.S.)” and “The Dummies Guide to Being a Cranky Hermit”.
frist
frikkin brilliant
to hel with the moon, nuke malta
If we’re cutting out Hawaii, what about Alaska?
Also, Art, the First competitions used to be a big deal back when IMAO had hundreds of commenters on each post within a couple of seconds. Now that it’s down to 5-10 over a few hours, first is not impressive. So, stop it.
How about we build a big wall? and we put it on tank treads and we move our borders whenever we feel like it?
If you’re looking to invade Canada, please start at my house – I’ve got a pesky neighbor I’m just dying to get rid of.
Wouldn’t we need to maintain some sort of link to Israel? I thought the Jews controlled America. Or maybe Glenn Reynolds… one or the other… I think… ooh my brain hurts.
Let’s close all the Indian restaurants while we’re at it. I don’t like Indian food.
Yeah, what about Israel? Since everyone hates them too, they ought to be like our evil child in our clan of rejects.
We’ll just let them do whatever they want and give them an allowance to do it.
The EU willl be like “hey, tell your kid to stop knocking off mideastern countries.” We’d be like “what? Not our little angel!” And tell the EU to go stick their heads in a pig or we’ll nuke their bureacratic butts for trying to bully our favorite source of comic relief. “Did you see what Mossad did to the Iranian prime minister? That was a riot. I didn’t know a properly applied hijab could do so much damage.”
Yeah, that would be fun.
Oh yeah, Poland is okay too, and some parts of Australia are cool. Everybody else who likes America will just have to move I guess.
We need to keep Alaska. They have oil. Hawaii only has coconut oil.
Hey how bout we launch some cruise missiles with convential warheads and some with nuclear warheads just to keep the rest of the world on it’s toes.
I also like Thor Jr.’s idea about Israel.
Just don’t nuke New Zealand yet. They’re doing work for the Halo movie here. And that’s cool. Wait until after Halo is finished filming, then nuke it.
We could make Israel a semi-official commonwealth, kind of like Puerto Rico. Nothing would really need to change, just have them fly the American flag every once in a while, and maybe add a large Army base. Then it’d count as being part of America and we can still be isolationist.
Does surrendering to American imperialism actually counts as “surrendering” of, you know, the french way?
If not, I’d consider Italy surrendered. We’re full of throughbred communists that could be well used in celebration for the Gipper’s birthday.
We’ll save Australia.
Don’t want to hurt no kangaroos.
This is fantastic. This means we get to kick the U.N. out. We could use that as an example to the world of things to come if they mess with us.
Rafter – why do you think I mispelled it? Ever seen Monty Python?
I first in your general direction.
Israel, our spoiled kid on an allowance! That’s awesome!
Hey, and if anybody complains about how our kid is acting we can just say we’re treating him just like liberals say we should: “Hey, do you want a time-out?!? Stop harassing those Palestinians, now. I mean it!”
When fallafel is outlawed, only outlaws will have fallafel.
Gotta be careful though. Europe may try to use that “International Court” on us if we lash out with missles too often.
We should kick out the UN though, it could be our own little policy maker. We just veto everything that would involve us in anyway. That way we could make a point that we REALLY don’t want to be involved.
Want to get really devious? Move the UN-HQ from NY to Israel. That should take care of their nasty voting record!
Great idea, but I say we clain onership of the Atlantic and Pascific Oceans, too!
Heel, we got the best Navy in the world, why not use the old “Barbery Coast” rules, and charge all other nations for the ‘right’ to use the oceans! Or else…
Wow Frank, I thought only children were immature but I guess you have just proven that it’s entirely possible for grown adults to be too.
Since you’re representing your Country here talking about how America should be on “Lock-Down” unless they need supplies…Sounds to me like you are one scared individual in one massive scared America.
In conclusion…America will most likely disappear due to the amount of Deaths each year from Gun related violence. Canada seems to be the only Country that is smart with weapons, seeing as they have MORE guns then what your Country has and a hell of alot less ‘incidents’ with them.
To be more specific about Deaths with weapons in the US…
“Every year, more than 30,000 people are shot to death in murders, suicides, and accidents. Another 65,000 suffer from gun injuries”
Those statistics are -Heavily- rising..
P.S Your President is an Idiot
P.P.S Your more of an Idiot
Null,
What the hell do gun death statistics have to do with Frank’s post? I’m sick of stupid, off-topic people completely screwing everything up.
And in case you didn’t figure it out already, the piece was satire. This is a humor site.
Damn but you’re thick.
anyone who mispells ‘your an idiot’ can’t be taken too seriously about anything.
Look out, Null, that wound on your head from the “mule incident” is showing…
I say start by pulling manufacturing jobs and mining/forestry/oil/etc… back into this country, the sooner we rely on our own resources, natural and human (labor) we’ll be doing ourselves a world of good… besides, outside our borders… there be monsters!
I know, we Kiwis deserve a good nuking because we have been very naughty. But just start with Wellington, its full of liberal politicians. Maybe the tree hugging peaceniks will snap out of their drug addled stupor for a while. Or not.
Or else we could just sit around with our WW1 level military and wait for Australia to enslave us.
anyone who mispells ‘your an idiot’ can’t be taken too seriously about anything.
Posted by Null is Void at October 28, 2005 04:05 AM
It’s “Misspell” not mispell…
If you’re going to correct someone on their spelling then first check your own.