Archive of entries posted on 31st October 2005

Death Rings the Door Tonight

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Small people in masks will be coming to your door tonight, and you are probably wondering how can you be sure they are kids and not terrorist midgets since you can’t see their faces.
Easy.
Each time you answer the door for trick-or-treaters, drop a Koran on the floor and pee on it. If any of the masked shrimps attacks you… then he is really a Islamic terrorist midget!
Remember: Only you can prevent terrorist midgets on Halloween.
This was a public service announcement from IMAO and Ed’s Extra Absorbent Qurans.

It’s Official: Spike Lee Blew Up NO Levees!

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I know what you are thinking. You think I am nuts and how could I know this?
But I think it is fairly obvious that the movie director is personally responsible for blowing up NO levees.
VIA Newsbusters, he said on Real Time with Bill Maher and I quote

‘Exactly. It’s not far-fetched. And also I would like to say it’s not necessarily blow it up.’

Did you catch that?
I’m officially calling the ‘Gulity Dog Barks First’ rule of “Who farted?” fame.
Nation of Islam leader Farrakhan may have said that Bush blew up the levees, leaving Farrakhan the odds on favorite for the ‘guilty dog barking’ title for the levees blowing up, if they were blown up.
But Lee said ‘not necessarily blow it up’ so if the evidence shows that the levees were ‘not necessarily blow’n up then suspect number one would be Spike Lee for NOT blowing them up!
One of them is a were-dog! And “Spike” is as good a name for a dog as any. The Tom and Jerry cartoonists agreed.
Woof.

IMAO Guide to Spooky Creatures

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There is a lot in the world that is spooky, so here’s a quick guide to all the spooky things out there. For simplicity, I marked creatures that, if they bite you, you become one with a “(B)”.
* DEMON: Powerful evil entity closely related to the devil. Not easily defeated by mortal man, but you might as well try some buckshot if you encounter one. If that doesn’t work, kick it in the shins. If that doesn’t work, then I’m outta ideas.
* DEVIL: Fallen angles; minions of Satan. They’ll try to get you to do evil stuff, so don’t listen to them. Or ask for cash payment up front.
* GHOSTS: Ghosts are the souls of the departed trapped in this world. In their despair and anger, they will lash out against humans, sometimes even throwing objects as poltergeists. Since they are not corporeal, no medication works on them. Ways of handling ghosts are blasting them with a beam from a proton pack or, lacking that, sucking them up in a vacuum. You can also have a priest come over and exorcise the spirits, but he’ll probably want dinner.
* GHOUL: A ghoul is kinda like a ghost but… well… I’m not sure what a ghoul is. If you think something is a ghoul, don’t touch it.
* HARPY: Female woman with bird features. May claw or nag you to death. Try buying it flowers.
* HILLARY CLINTON: May be a witch, a harpy, a devil, or lesser demon that (somewhat) conceals its horrible visage. Best way to defeat one is not to vote for her.
* MONKEY: Looks like a little furry human. Will try to bite you. Destroy with fire. (B)
* VAMPIRE: The ultimate undead. Will try to drink your blood (may have you fill out a form about whether you’ve ever been to the UK or Africa first). Can be stunned with holy water or sharp kick to the groin. Can be killed by sunlight, so the best way to defeat one is to screw with its alarm clock. (B)
* WEREWOLF: Half man, half wolf. Only dangerous when there is a full moon. Can be killed with a silver bullet. Gold and platinum bullets also work, but the cost of slugs is completely impractical. (B)
* WITCH: Usually considered evil and should be killed by burning, but the Harry Potter books have made them popular. Destroy those books by burning.
* WRAITH: Like a ghost, but meaner. Throwing rocks at it does nothing. Try a high powered fan. If that doesn’t work, then high powered negotiations.
* ZOMBIE: Really been in vogue lately, so watch out. They are the walking undead, and like to eat human flesh or brains or something. Whatever they want, you ain’t gonna like it. Methods of killing them vary, but a shotgun to the head always works in a pinch (their heads, not yours). (B)
* YETI: Large beast that eats traveler in the Himalayas. Best way to defeat one, stay out of the frigg’n Himalayas.
Well, that’s all the spooky creatures I can think of; if you can think of others, put them in the comments.

Just in Time for Halloween: A SCOTUS Nominee So Conservative, He’s Spooky!

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Wow. Another white male. What happened to the politics of gender and race?
Anyway, Alito is number four on John Hawkin’s poll of bloggers (I didn’t vote for him as I didn’t know much about him; back in the long long ago I trusted Bush to know these kind of things). He sounds good, and I’m still waiting for the full left-wing freak out about him.
Best of all, he’s not on Harry Reid’s list.
Anyway, as always, Michelle Malkin has a good round up. Actually, with this big breaking news, what the hell are you doing here? In reality, you should be checking out the other sites and coming back here and telling what I should know.
Get to it!

Halloween Audio: “Night of the Living Left”

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If you wondered what it would sound like if two agents of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy(tm) and a talking cat were attacked by brainless lefty zombies led by Professor Ward “Chutch” Churchill on a Halloween night, then you must listen to the latest audio from IMAO’s friends at Pure Idiom.
Download Now:

WARNING: This audio is NOT G-rated kiddie stuff… You will hear zombies wearing ACLU t-shirts get their heads cut off, Nancy Pelosi will be called a VERY bad name, and shock rock legend Alice Cooper will rip “Peace Mom” Cindy Sheehan in half with his bare hands.
Hey, if none of that offends you–download away and Happy Halloween!
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