There is a lot in the world that is spooky, so here’s a quick guide to all the spooky things out there. For simplicity, I marked creatures that, if they bite you, you become one with a “(B)”.
* DEMON: Powerful evil entity closely related to the devil. Not easily defeated by mortal man, but you might as well try some buckshot if you encounter one. If that doesn’t work, kick it in the shins. If that doesn’t work, then I’m outta ideas.
* DEVIL: Fallen angles; minions of Satan. They’ll try to get you to do evil stuff, so don’t listen to them. Or ask for cash payment up front.
* GHOSTS: Ghosts are the souls of the departed trapped in this world. In their despair and anger, they will lash out against humans, sometimes even throwing objects as poltergeists. Since they are not corporeal, no medication works on them. Ways of handling ghosts are blasting them with a beam from a proton pack or, lacking that, sucking them up in a vacuum. You can also have a priest come over and exorcise the spirits, but he’ll probably want dinner.
* GHOUL: A ghoul is kinda like a ghost but… well… I’m not sure what a ghoul is. If you think something is a ghoul, don’t touch it.
* HARPY: Female woman with bird features. May claw or nag you to death. Try buying it flowers.
* HILLARY CLINTON: May be a witch, a harpy, a devil, or lesser demon that (somewhat) conceals its horrible visage. Best way to defeat one is not to vote for her.
* MONKEY: Looks like a little furry human. Will try to bite you. Destroy with fire. (B)
* VAMPIRE: The ultimate undead. Will try to drink your blood (may have you fill out a form about whether you’ve ever been to the UK or Africa first). Can be stunned with holy water or sharp kick to the groin. Can be killed by sunlight, so the best way to defeat one is to screw with its alarm clock. (B)
* WEREWOLF: Half man, half wolf. Only dangerous when there is a full moon. Can be killed with a silver bullet. Gold and platinum bullets also work, but the cost of slugs is completely impractical. (B)
* WITCH: Usually considered evil and should be killed by burning, but the Harry Potter books have made them popular. Destroy those books by burning.
* WRAITH: Like a ghost, but meaner. Throwing rocks at it does nothing. Try a high powered fan. If that doesn’t work, then high powered negotiations.
* ZOMBIE: Really been in vogue lately, so watch out. They are the walking undead, and like to eat human flesh or brains or something. Whatever they want, you ain’t gonna like it. Methods of killing them vary, but a shotgun to the head always works in a pinch (their heads, not yours). (B)
* YETI: Large beast that eats traveler in the Himalayas. Best way to defeat one, stay out of the frigg’n Himalayas.
Well, that’s all the spooky creatures I can think of; if you can think of others, put them in the comments.
HIPPIES: These beasts vary in size and physical features; however, they tend to travel in packs, wear clothing made out of hemp, and they smell like they just went dumpster-diving behind K-Mart. Dangerous when in a large group, called a “protest.” If you provoke it, they will sing “Kumbaya” and call you a Nazi. Best manner of disposal: three rounds of .50AE.
WHITE HOUSE REPORTER:
Known for their inane questions and lack of intellegence (see ZOMBIE). These creatures have an utter lack of common sense and love the sound of their own voices (see SIREN).
May have a hive metality. (see BORG).
EDWARD KENNEDY: Senator from Massachusetts. Best found in the Senate, at his house, or a place that serves alcohol (not necessarily in that order). Can ramble incoheriently and/or incessantly if provoked or encountered. Relative of Jabba the Hutt. Encounters with Kennedy while he’s topless can lead to blindness, painful burning, rash, paralysis, or death. Known to be fatal to young, attractive blondes.
PRINCESS: Parasitic creature who will initially lure you by appearing as a sexy 18-22 year old female. Will then spend the next few years extracting untold amounts of money on shiny gifts, expensive dresses and shoes and useless baubles all the while demanding that you “Talk about your ‘feelings'”. Once a Princess has latched onto her victim she will only let go once she has extracted all resources. Best defense is to never date one and under no circumstances should you marry her.
Patiently awaits male version
No entry for “Moonbat?”
Loose sh*t, Frank.
Maureen Dowd. I’ll let somebody more creative than I write the definition. I have a database to create right now.
Robots: Devices built by man to help, but eventually they get too smart, turn on mankind and try to enslave*/anhilate** same. If attacked by a robot, try to get them to follow you to a ocean environment. If the water doesn’t short them, the salt will rust them out. Destroying any agent with a common last name will help too.
*Matrix
**Terminator
Lepus: Giant rabbit creature that attack scale model humans and human dwellings. Only weakness is to spray them with the essence of DeForest Kelly. If no essence is available, spray them in the eyes with hair care products. Hard to take down, but one giant foot from the felled beast will bring you a lifetime of good luck.
Slasher style serial killer: Preys on coeds and camp counsellors to avenge past wrongs, such as the pitiful box office receipts from sequels 2, 4, and 7. Can only be killed by the girl that you hope gets naked but never does.
Elmo Monster: Tiny red creature approx 3 yrs old that always refers to himself in the third person. Attacks adults by offering expensive toys that are basically the same except for one small difference from last year’s doll. Sadly the only weapon against this beast is the onset of tween angst.
vampires aren’t the ultimate undead; liches are stronger
Update
GHOUL: A Ghoul is a person who eats the dead, as opposed to a Zombie who is a dead person who eats the living, as opposed to a Liberal who is a person who wants everyone to eat tofu.
Pretty sure ghouls are eaters of the dead. So… I guess anyone who supports the Death Tax is a ghoul. You can tell who supports the Death Tax by this annoying retort:
“Its not the Death Tax. Its called the Gift and Estate Tax!”
The only way to defeat them is to movie all assets to an Off Shore Account before death. Time is ticking.
Belloq
Commie: A grotesque creature that is grown from hippy larvae. likes to forcibly take money from it’s victims and redistribute it while keeping a good portion of the stolen money for itself. Can be killed by being surrounded by large amounts of democracy. If you have no democracy available, most firearms work well against it.
THE RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG: For those who heed not the warning: DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL, with big nasty pointy teeth. Has been known to cause those with a lesser constitution (France) to soil there armor. While small fluffy and white this is no ordinary rabbit. It’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! And while you may think he’ll only nibble your bum, he’ll do you up a treat mate.
The best weapon against the rabbit is the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch which you shall lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade after pulling the pin and thou counting to three. Four you shalt not count and neither shalt thou count two except then in immediately counting to three. Five is right out. The Rabbit, who being naughty in God’s sight, shall snuff it.
DAILYKOS COMMENTER: A creature found mostly within the internet, or at least a dream world of some kind (see HIPPIE, COMMUNIST PINKO). Easily identifiable by angry rants and foaming of the mouth at the mere mention of the words, “Conservative”, “Republican”, or “President Bush”. Can be neutralized by the application of logical, thought-out arguments and permanently eradicated by persuading it to get a job and pay taxes, or by a plasma rifle in a 40-watt range.
BARBA STREISAND: Powerful, evil entity which even the devil is afraid of. Actively seeks the destruction of all that is conservative and good through unique, high frequency audio attacks and large donations to the DNC. Once grew to Godzilla-like size in an unprecedented attack on the Colorado town of South Park. Capable of hypnotizing weak willed individuals with incessant babbling about liberal causes and hippy ideals. Best defenses include logical thinking, factual knowledge, and ear plugs. Best counterattack is electing a president so conservative she will finally move to Europe. (B)
*ISLAMOFASCIST: Practitioner of “the religion of peace” who pines for the enlightened ways of the Dark Ages. In this respect they bear great similarity to the ENVIROFASCISTS of the Euro-American Hippy species; differing only in the roles each assigns to women. ISLAMOFASCISTS have vowed to bring peace and prosperity to the world by wiping out the most dedicated peace-enforcing and prosperous nations on Earth. ISLAMOFASCISTS get hopping mad when informed that their God Allah is the same God that is revered and worshiped by Christians and Jews to whom He revealed Himself first.
Yeah, gotta watch out for those fallen angles. The 45 degree ones are pointy. Hit them with a hammer so they can’t stab you.
Algore: Similar to Eyeore, but can also take on the persona of a Southern Baptist minister when closing in on election. Has strong ability to put you to sleep. Secret weapon – upcoming TV Station.
Cindy Sheehan: Vietnam war protestor meets feminazi with ADD. Obnoxious screeching like siren. Opposite of “Where’s the beef lady” if you ignore Cindy “sleez-han” she only gets more annoying.
Barbara Boxer: Capable of defying all laws of logic. She is the anti-Einstein
Mayor “Schoolbus” Nagin: Masterful replicator of the entitlement mentality… where’s my friggin ride on the greyhound already?
MOONBAT:
Highly unstable creature, reflexively fearful of all things patriotic, conservative or rational.
Tend to congregate among hippies and commies at DU, Kos, and other popular leftist websites, as well as at various protest marches, “die-ins,” and ditches in and around Crawford, Texas.
Often stray onto conservative websites seeking to feed on the distress of the intelligent. Will foam at the mouth and show their fangs when cornered.
It is best to attack a moonbat with logic and facts as these are lethal to its tiny, malformed brain – but be warned, they die screaming as their heads explode! Stand well back, their venom is highly toxic! (B – but only if you are a weak-minded simpleton.)
Ninja Pouser: Probably will say words like “Hi-Ya!” or long noises like “OoOoOoOWWW”. You will know when you see one because you will never see a real ninja. Most easily killed by the word “Haxor” or “n00b”. If by chance it is a real ninja and he is just chilling or getting pumped, he will probably flip out and/or chop off your head.