John Edwards always does crossword puzzles in ink, although, oddly, all his answers are “my perfect hair”.

John Edwards can’t walk through a clothing store without feeling a cramp of bitter envy while passing by a “size 3” rack.

John Edward’s life didn’t really begin until after cell phones started coming with automatic voice dialing – no more bruised fingertips!

John Edwards could never make it through an entire church service if Elizabeth didn’t bring along a little bag of Cheerios for him to munch on.

John Edwards’s Pet Peeve #12 – itchy post-Brazilian-wax pubie stubble.

John Edwards’s least favorite part of the campaign trail? Bone-crushing handshakes from toddlers.

When confronted with a full-sized Kraft Jet-Puffed marshmallow, John Edwards long ago resigned himself to having to break out the electric carving knife.

Every time he watches Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, John Edwards thinks, “No, Clarice, that scruffy studmuffin Yukon Cornelius is the one who’s ‘cute’.”

Nothing makes John Edwards laugh harder than procotologist jokes with the punchline “that’s not my finger”, since it actually happens to him every visit.

John Edwards new universal health care program will cover mental health treatments which are currently priced out of reach of working families, such as Acute Retail Therapy, (aka Gap Spending Sprees).

* “We Are Family”, performed by Sister Sledge
* “Over the Rainbow”, performed by Judy Garland
* “I’m Coming Out”, performed by Diana Ross
* “My Funny Valentine”, performed by Frank Sinatra
* “YMCA”, performed by Village People
* “Dancing Queen”, performed by ABBA
* “MacArthur Park”, performed by Donna Summer
* “I Will Survive”, performed by Gloria Gaynor
* “It’s Raining Men”, performed by The Weather Girls
* “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”, performed by Dead or Alive
* “Karma Chameleon”, performed by Culture Club
* “Relax”, performed by Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Are these
A) Gay anthems?
B) Hot dance tunes?
C) Cassingles that John Edwards has played until the tape snapped?

Things John Edwards candidacy brings to the table:
1) A firm but flexible foreign policy
2) Real tax fairness for working families
3) Fashion sense, girlfriend!

John Edwards would like to see a more tolerant and open-minded America. One where people will be judged by the content of their character and not whether they wear white shoes after Labor Day like degenerate inbreds.

John Edwards loves playing tennis. He feels so deliciously naughty when his skirt flies up during his serves.

John Edwards is still waiting for someone to invent a machine that will remove peanut skins so that his fingertips won’t get cut to ribbons any more.