Know Thy Enemy: Pirates – Ver 2.0

Pirates are a problem these days. A long while back, IMAO put out a Know Thy Enemy: Pirates but apparently it didn’t work because pirates are still causing trouble. I decided it needed to be updated so I asked my new crack research team (Basil and spacemonkey) to help find out all they could about pirates.

FUN FACTS ABOUT PIRATES

* Piracy started quite accidentally when one ship crew realized how fun it was to board another ship while yelling “Arr!” and laughing heartily.

* Today’s pirates tend to have AK-47s instead of muskets which is considered cheating. Don’t let a Navy SEAL catch you cheating!

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* If people plunder you on the sea, that piracy. If people plunder you on land, that’s the Obama administration.

* Many pirates settled in Canada where after years of peace and maple syrup, their “Arr!” faded into an “Eh”.

* No matter how much a pirate says to do it, he’ll actually get angry if you shake his timbers.

* Piracy is covered by the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that, following an attack by pirates, the U.N. will debate the issue for months before passing a resolution demanding that pirates think about what they are doing, and that if the pirates keep being pirates, the U.N. will consider passing another resolution.

* Reason why so many pirates are missing limbs and eyes: Fred Thompson.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* In response to piracy, Obama plans to open talks with Tortuga with no preconditions.

* The United States has not ratified the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that if pirates capture a U.S. vessel, Navy SEALs can shoot the pirates in the head.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* The Marine Hymn lyrics “to the shores of Tripoli” refer to the U.S. response to the Barbary Pirates in the early 19th century. If the Somali pirates understood English, they’d have known not to screw around with the American military.

* If surrounded by pirates, ask for “parlay”. That will give you time to escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If 4 Somali teenagers get in a boat and call themselves pirates, they can capture a boat with a crew of 21. If those same teenagers try to capture a Ford pickup in Alabama, their bullet-riddled bodies will be found with tire tracks across their backs.

* A pirate ship can be recognized by the bumper sticker: “Pirates get more booty”

* If pirates take someone hostage, you’ll probably get the person back unharmed if you pay the ransom. You’ll also get the person back unharmed if you shoot all the pirates dead, plus that’s cheaper.

* And funnier.

* Cap’n Crunch gained his commission and command of the Good Ship Guppy after bringing Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate, to justice.

* Pirates idea to bury their treasure ending up being quite a sound investment strategy this past year.

* Captain Hook, the pirate nemesis of Peter Pan, attended Eton College. Hook, the starting quarterback in his team’s Sugar Bowl loss to Florida, fumbled on the goal line when the Gators’ middle linebacker bit off his hand.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.

* Long John Silver began his adult career as a pirate, but discovered he had a talent for cooking. He gave up his life of crime to open a series of Burger King franchises after his successful lawsuit against Jerrico, Inc.

* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The most famous historical pirates are Edward Teach (Blackbeard), Jean Lafitte, William Kidd, and Willie Stargell.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* Privateers are often confused with pirates. The main difference is that the president has called for an end to privacy.

* The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a second connected ship and then just getting too lazy.

* Some famous pirates in literature are Captain Jack Sparrow, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and Joe Biden.

* Pirates are vulnerable to cutlasses, scurvy, and sniper-bullets to the head.

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… hmm, enemies at sea. This one is actually a job for Aquaman. Weird.

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31 Comments

  1. This is just TOO freakin’ funny. Tripoli, and truck-jacking Somali teenagers in _________ (fill in the blank with your favorite southern state). Thanks for bringing me to tears and washing the pollen from my eyes.

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  2. If Aquaman hadn’t had that accident with those sharks a few years back, this whole pirate situation would have been solved by now.

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  3. Or maybe we need to all pitch in, and buy Aquaman a beret light fifty. Swims real fast and talks to fish, kinda lame. Swims real fast, talks to fish, and snipes pirates from half a mile away, now there is some potential.

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  4. Are we sure that this isn’t some of Aquaman’s doing? If we could somehow combine those dolphins with rocket launchers (after all, until we can get those dinosaurs cloned, we have a lot of them just lying around) we could put an end to piracy once and for all.

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  5. This has got to be the finest assemblage of pirate facts ever, era, um… assembled… in one place. Argh!! to the researchers and assembly person (Frank or one of his personages).

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  6. The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a while other connected ship and then just getting too lazy.

    That’s easy for you to say!

    [Coherency costs extra. -Ed.]

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  7. The reason Obambi couldn’t take a stand on the pirates is, AIG has them insured. All pirates get ‘cut-rate’ insurance from the bail-out king, and also, it is a well known scheme that AIG want’s to outdo Loyd’s of London, who insures the boats, crew and cargo.

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  8. Fun pirate fact: Obama now officially the worst president ever. Even worse than James Buchanan. Even Buchanan didn’t have a pirate problem.

    Fun pirate fact: According to new DHS Secretary Napolitano directive, the term “pirate attack” now to be referenced as “transcultural spreading the wealth around social justice operation”.

    Fun pirate fact: Obama protocol office trying to figure out how the president can bow to Somali pirate king in interests of advancing cultural understanding.

    Fun pirate fact: No one in their right mind should attack any vessel named for a Red State (e.g. Alabama: three shots, three kills, need I say more other than Roll Tide). SS Vermont crew, stay out of the Gulf of Aden or hope that Somali pirates will accept payment in maple syrup or Cherry Garcia (or secretly desire a gay marriage and B&B experience in Barrington).

    Fun pirate fact: Treasury Secretary Geithner’s tax problems traced to use of TurboTax pirate edition. Same excuse used by executives of all major investment houses in Manhatten.

    Fun pirate fact: There are no pirates known to be found off the coasts of South Carolina or Alaska. Only known pirate lair in America: Cook County, Illinois. Harrr Captain Daley.

    Fun pirate fact: Pittsburgh Pirates are to professional baseball as Somali Pirates are to US Navy Seals. Feel the suckage pirates.

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  9. Pirate ships can be identified from the fecal trail coming from the poop deck. That, and the pirate butts hanging over the rail doing their doody.

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  10. Captain Hook was the originator of pierced ears and noses, including his own, on pirates.

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  11. When pirates get too old to pirate any more, they join the Rolling Stones Tour as Keith Richards, No one ever notices, especially Mick.

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  12. Aquaman is secretly cloning Predator X as the nautical equivalent of dinosaurs with rocket launchers. Getting them to cooperate has been a problem though.

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  13. Teleprompter Messiah said:

    Fun pirate fact: Pittsburgh Pirates are to professional baseball as Somali Pirates are to US Navy Seals. Feel the suckage pirates.

    That’s not funny! They’re just in the sixteenth year of a three-year rebuilding plan. Sigh.

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  14. Fun Pirate Fact: Long Dong Silver was not a Somali pirate but could have been.

    Fun pirate fact: Why did Somalia get pirates and America get Maxine Waters, John Murtha, Barney Frank and Chris Dodd? Somalis have high ethical standards for their pirates.

    Fun pirate fact: Most profitable plunder: cargo of Saudi sex slaves; Least profitable plunder: Madeline Albright, Janet Reno and Hillary Clinton.

    Fun pirate fact: “Talk Like a Pirate Day” in Somalia know as “Talk Like an Obama Cabinet Secretary Day”.

    Fun pirate fact: Only two groups in this world believe in stealing the product of the hard work of others for redistribution: Somali pirates and the Democrat National Committee.

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  15. Too funny…let’s see…which one is the best;

    …“Arr!” faded into an “Eh”….no,

    …”surrounded by pirates, ask for “parlay”…escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.” ah,

    …”avoid getting attacked by pirates by draping a sign over the side of your vessel: “Radio Broken”…hmmmmm,no,

    …”actually it’s the parrot on his shoulder. Take the bird out first!”

    That’s the one…an elderly parrot lets us live here…I pity the fool who would mess with him!

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  16. Yes ChrisA, An Oldsmobile Cutlass DOES cut down a pirate rather nicely thank you very much. You just need to catch them on shore leave!

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  17. Frank…wrong again. It’s “Shiver the Timber!”…not shake, fer crissakes.

    Historically, the phrase came from specific actions performed by pirates at sea for many months on end, with no ‘booty’ in sight. It was a precursor to the modern “Pinki Genitalia Awareness Week” that we now celebrate.

    Sheesh…you need to study more.

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  18. An Oldsmobile Cutlass DOES cut down a pirate rather nicely thank you very much. You just need to catch them on shore leave!

    An Olds Delmont 88 with a Massachusetts Senator behind the wheel is as good as a Cutlass.

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  19. When I heard about the dolphins protecting the Chinese ships I thought, “Oh No! Aquaman has gone over to the Reds! Who’s going to tell Frank!”

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  20. Pingback: Steynian 347 « Free Canuckistan!

  21. Pingback: The 40 Best Political Quotes Of 2009 | Right Wing News

  22. Teleprompter Messiah (#19) I heart u very much. I never thought that ANYTHING remotely connected to the obama administration would make me smile – THANKS !

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