Through skulduggery (my favorite kind of duggery) I have obtained this editorial from the New York Times that’s nearly ready to go as soon as the Republicans have a presidential nominee.
The presidency of George W. Bush was an awful time for this country, and we can all be thankful that time is over now that we have President Obama. Bush was horrible to this country, getting us into unnecessary wars which, along with his tax cuts for the rich, drove us deep into debt. He left a giant mess for Obama to inherit, and people often thought he was the worst president imaginable. That was until the Republicans nominated [Republican nominee], who is easily ten times worse than Bush.
The Republicans could have nominated someone moderate and reasonable like [Republican primary candidate who lost], but instead they’ve decided to try and push this country in a radical direction with the extreme right-wing [Republican nominee]. He/she is nothing but a retread of the failed policies of the past and makes even George W. Bush look moderate in comparison. Plus, he/she simply lacks the intelligence and demeanor that President Obama has. If we want to continue to move forward, it’s imperative we stop [Republican nominee].
Just look at his/her extreme view [Republican nominee view 1]. This is radically out of the mainstream and completely out of touch with the needs of the American people. In fact, it could easily create great harm to [vulnerable group who tends to vote]. At least Bush had the pretense of compassionate conservatism, but [Republican nominee view 1] shows that [Republican nominee] is completely uncaring. And as many people have said, [talking point on Republican nominee view 1].
And then there’s [Republican nominee]’s opinion [Republican nominee view 2]. It’s almost hard to believe. He/she is basically proposing to set the rights of [protected group] back one hundred years. How can someone in this day and age actually argue [Republican nominee view 2]? This is once again thinking that is stuck in the past and won’t continue to move the country forward like President Obama has done. Plus it’s well known that [talking point on Republican nominee view 2].
As for the economy, what has [Republican nominee] proposed? [Republican nominee proposal for the economy]. You have to be kidding me. It’s a lopsided tax cut for the rich at the expense of the poor and the elderly. Obviously, [Republican nominee] is beholden to the unreasonable, extreme views of the Tea Party. His/her ideas are nothing like the balanced approach Obama has proposed with [Obama economic proposal, if available]. Only that approach will continue the progress Obama has already made.
One has to wonder about the intelligence of someone who would believe such radical views as [Republican nominee view 1] and [Republican nominee view 2] and has an economic plan of [Republican nominee proposal for the economy]. People used to question Bush’s intelligence in jest, but at least he was educated at Yale and Harvard and thus had some wisdom about the world. [Republican nominee], on the other hand, is truly a dunce, as we’ve seen with such statements as [gaffe 1] and [gaffe 2]. Does anyone really think [demeaning nickname for Republican nominee] stacks up against the intelligence and poise of President Obama?
And some of the things [Republican nominee] has said that aren’t outright stupid are quite scary. Like when he/she said [Republican nominee statement using the words “black” or “dark” — just something that could be argued to be racist; be creative]. This is obviously a dog whistle to rally people who have a problem with the American president being black. And then he/she said [Republican nominee statement about religion, such as praying to God for guidance]; [Republican nominee] obviously doesn’t believe in the separation of church and state and wants to make this country a theocracy. America doesn’t need its own Taliban.
Why would anyone think that [Republican nominee] would help this country? What has he/she supposedly done? [Republican nominee accomplishment 1], [Republican nominee accomplishment 2], and [Republican nominee accomplishment 3]? [Republican nominee] had little to do with any of that, plus everyone clearly agrees [talking point dismissing Republican nominee accomplishments]. It is indisputable that [Republican nominee] just can’t measure up against the experience Obama has gained in the past few years as president, during which he’s achieved the real accomplishments of killing Osama bin Laden, [Obama accomplishment 2], and [Obama accomplishment 3].
Obama should be reelected, and it’s easy to see why. He inherited an unemployment rate of 7.6% from George W. Bush and reduced it to [unemployment rate if lower than 7.6%; omit sentence otherwise]. The economy is now growing at a steady rate of [recent GDP growth if not pathetic; omit sentence otherwise]. He enacted health care reform to better control costs and availability of health care to all Americans. [NOTE: Remove sentence if the health care reform was ruled unconstitutional or is still extremely unpopular]. We finally have encouraging signs of peace in the Middle East with [encouraging sign of peace in the Middle East if any can be found… actually, just go ahead and remove this sentence now]. And Barack Obama is not a scary, right-wing extremist like [Republican nominee].
Yes, Obama has not been perfect, but that in no way justifies handing over the presidency to [Republican nominee]. Remember, Barack Obama was elected to replace the tired views of George W. Bush, so why would we want to turn to someone so far to the right of Bush? This nation just won’t be able to survive that. Now, I will be the first to admit that sometimes we on the left have, driven by partisanship, occasionally gone over the top in our attacks on a Republican, and we can even see clearly now that some of the attacks on Bush were a bit unwarranted. But this time it has nothing to do with politics. This is a sincere belief from the heart: [Republican nominee] is a dangerous man/woman who must be stopped for the good of the nation.
Skullduggary is never any good unless it is mixed with Tomfoolery!!! Just sayin’
Frank, this will be an excellent I told you so in a few months.
Prescient
You forgot “deeply divisive.” Republican nominees’ views and policies are always deeply divisive.
I fully expect the NYT to try and sue you for stealing their canned editorial excoriating whoever gets the nomination.
ow Frank it was too long so I’ll pretend i read all of it. Ditto what everyone else said. You da man!
The NY Post wasn’t enough for you? Now you’re bucking for opinion space in the Times?
Just be sure they pay you with cash – DO NOT accept a check!
Civil libertarians have raised questions regarding the degree to which [Republican Nominee] will allow his religious beefs to directly influence his/her decisions if elected President. While statements of deeply held Christian faith may sell well to fundamentalists and born agains, the climate in the country calls for an inclusive and healing candidate President Obama–beginning with his well received Cairo Speech [skip mentions of NASA’s new mission and his support for building Cordoba House at Ground Zero]–has reached out to Muslims and other communities previously alienated by the ethnocentric policies of the Bush administration. By contrast, [Republican Nominee] has made several statements that minority leaders consider [out of context statement about his faith #1], [out of context statement about his faith #2], [misquote about his faith].
. {NAACP representative] added that
.
“[Obama economic proposal, if available]” LMFAO who would ever thing that was possible enough to even note?
Don’t blame me. I voted for [Republican primary candidate who lost].
I meant to say “Think” sorry
EdthePastor can’t get through The Book of Obadiah at a sitting.
“Don’t blame me. I voted for [Republican primary candidate who lost].”
Johnny45, U made me choke on my sandwich!
Well, you might as well go ahead and write the New York Times story about how 3 percent unemployment under the new Republican president isn’t actually a good thing, as well.
Frank has got his time machine up and running, I see. He has the lead editorial form September, 2012. Amazing.
I think that you can sue Eugene Robinson for plagiarizing your post:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2011/09/16/where_are_the_compassionate_conservatives_111350.html
Kind of reminds me of Mad Libs. Wait… could that phrase have more than one meaning here?
Frank:
What can I say? You nailed it. Of course, that is because most of the nominees actually would be 10 times worse than Bush (outside of Romney and Huntsman, but still.
Job well done, for once. Well, except that it is not really funny.
However, this type of thing allows you to avoid the question we all want answered. WHO GETS THE COVETED ENDORSEMENT OF FRANK J?
My money is still on Perry. I know your heart goes thumps every time you see his handsome mug on the TV, saying that the Earth is only a few thousand years old, that climate scientists are engaged in a worldwide conspiracy to fool us on global warming, that Social Security is a Ponzi scheme and unconstitutional, that the 16th Amendment violates our basic freedoms, etc., etc.
Just give in. Accept him. You know you want to. He’s your boy!
Best Regards,
Monkey Faced Liberal
P.S. “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'” Matthew 19:23-24
By gosh, that dumb monkey finally came back! I never thought I’d see the day!
Maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll see the return of the Limey.
Gaffe 1 and Gaffe 2? Aren’t they characters from The Cat in the Hat?
That was teh funneh, Frank.
Do liberal morons not realize that Matthew 19:23-24 is not an indictment of having money? It’s hilarious when they try to quote someone they don’t believe in.
And as Jesus hung from the cross, they cast lots for his clothes. He must have been fairly well dressed I would assume…no? Why cast lots for rags? Also, when arrested, one of his guys whipped out a sword and cut off a soldiers ear. Why were Jesus followers carrying swords? He obviously knew about it and didn’t tell them not to. Hmmmm….
But Monkey, social security IS a ponzi scheme…I’m just glad I got in on the ground floor: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ponzi_scheme
I agree with EdTP. Frank has captured the progressive voice incredibly well here. A little too well, in fact. I can tell by my overwhelming disinterest in reading this.
And since when did ussjc start using logic? This is like a bizarro thread.
MFL, don’t forget to mention how Perry also shot a coyote with his legally registered concealed weapon while jogging with his dog.
I love that story.
It’s almost as good as the one about Sarah Palin shooting wolves from a helicopter.
C’mon guys, stop beating up on Monkey Faced Liberal. He’s only trying to say that Obama wants to impose his Christian values on all Americans by making us all poor. Is that so wrong?
Frank, now that you’re a real journolista can you sit on Paul Krugmans’ face and post that pic here?
Did I say ‘sit’? Sorry. Typo.
Paul Krugman would have Frank bent over the table in 2 minutes with pants around ankles! Frank’s a newbie and Paul is a professional at this! Don’t worry though, Frank! Paul had his HPV shot when he was a young girl so you are ok there!
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I was with you until you said “Plus, he/she simply lacks the intelligence and demeanor that President Obama has, ”
Obama is so dumb that he will start talking about dinosaurs with rockets soon.
Seems they always leave out the rest of that bit from Matthew 19 and miss the whole point:
Matthew 19:25-26 (NIV)
[25] When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
[26] Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Don’t forget the Old Testament, lots of good lessons there as well!
Psalm 37:8-11
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the wicked shall be cut off;
but those who wait for the LORD shall possess the land.
Yet a little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look well at his place, he will not be there.
But the meek shall possess the land,
and delight themselves in abundant prosperity.