Archive of entries posted on 2nd September 2011

Nuke the News: Zero

Posted by on

* Just in time for Obama’s big job speech (aren’t you excited for it!), it’s being reported that zero jobs were created last month. That’s the first time that’s happened since 1945, the year my dad was born (he’s very old). Obama appeared on TV for a quick statement saying, “Thanks to my hard work, no one lost their job last month.” He then added in a really snotty voice, “You’re welcome!”

I think I helped contribute to our record zero jobs growth, as I didn’t create any jobs last month. Then again, I did work hard at my job and participate in the economy, so it’s not too unlikely I contributed to a job being created. Pretty unlikely Obama did, though.

* New White House report says that unemployment should remain above 9% throughout the 2012 election. This is bad news for Obama, because when people are asked whether they like 9% unemployment, and overwhelming majority says, “No, I do not like it.” And when asked if they’d rather unemployment be lower or higher, and overwhelming majority says they would like unemployment to be lower — and that’s the direction Obama can’t make unemployment go.

What is going to be Obama’s reelection argument going to be for this? “Remember: I inherited a horrible unemployment rate from Bush… and then I made it higher and it stayed higher.”

* New Rasmussen poll has Rick Perry — and only Rick Perry — beating Obama. Perry is considered further to the right than a lot of the other candidates — Romney, specifically — so the main argument against him is electability, but that’s not looking like an issue so far. Along with how Perry is polling against the other Republican candidates in the primary, it’s starting to look like its his primary to lose. All he has to do is avoid a big misstep, like strangling a puppy on camera. I mean, you see that puppy staring at you with those big puppy eyes and you so want to strangle it, but you first have to make sure there are no cameras around. America has never elected a puppy strangler.

* FEMA has started to use the term “federal family”. I never thought of the federal government as family, but I guess it is in the way you get to choose your friends, but you don’t get to choose your family. I mean, technically, we’re supposed to be able to choose our federal government, but it just doesn’t seem that way. It’s like if one of my close friends was a murderous psycho with a knife — but not because I wanted to be friends with him but because I was forced to choose a murderous psycho as a friend and he was the best one I could get. I sure hope he doesn’t stab me. But the federal government will be the federal government, and there’s not much I can do about it because it’s family.

* For some reason, the White House has started some online petition site. It’s been my position for some time that online petition are pretty much the most useless thing in the history of man — even more so than online polls. In fact the only thing I can think of that’s more useless is Barack Obama… and right now he says he’ll respond to petitions that get more than 5,000 signatures. Hmm… what should we start a petition on. Well, I don’t like all the spending, and I still would like to pay a lot less in taxes… Oh! I know! A petition to hunt down and execute whoever is responsible for clamshell packaging.

* Obama invited a bunch of NASCAR drivers to the White House, but five of the drivers said they won’t be attending due to “scheduling conflicts”. That’s kind of rude. I mean, I understand NASCAR drivers not wanting to hang with Obama, but Obama also probably really doesn’t want to meet NASCAR drivers. This whole being honored at the White House thing is just something you have to do and both sides should just grit their teeth and get it over with. This is just wrong; I’m going to start an online petition against it.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Alaska woman punches bear in face to save her dog. Not sure, but I think by state law that automatically makes her the new Governor.” –Fred Thompson

* Crowder has a new video today with some interesting perspective on the federal gasoline tax. Did you know part of it is to keep union workers employed? Of course it is.

* Have a fun Labor Day weekend, y’all! And watch tomorrow night as Boise State whups Georgia!

Random Thoughts

Posted by on

I got my free NES games for my 3DS! You don’t get them because you didn’t want to pay $250 for the system.

Apparently we’ve demoted the term “badass”. “That was one badass episode of My Little Pony.”

“The Care Bears were all like, ‘You need to share.’ It was so badass.”

Come to think of it, there were a lot of really sissy shows when I was a kid.

I hope they’ll have a Back to the Future remake ready for 2015.

So who recorded the new “Noooo!” for ROTJ? Hard to believe James Earl Jones would be involved with that unless at gunpoint.

Car we got from my parents has an opposite of valet key – opens trunk, glovebox, but won’t start car. What’s that for?

Looked like my cutie head had another false alarm on smelling a gas leak, but technician found regulator outside was leaking.

Anyway, now that our house contains a baby, we have to be extra careful about not exploding it.

Playing Legend Zelda on my 3DS. Can’t believe it’s been a quarter of a century since I heard this. For a twenty-five years now, the lyrics “octoroks, tektites, and levers too” has been randomly jumping into my head.

Excuses

Posted by on

Hey, did you hear the news? Obama has a jobs plan! And he’s going to actually appear on the TV set to tell us all about it?

Oh, you already heard? Then, you’re as excited as I am about it, aren’t you? Yeah, I thought so.

*Yawn*

Here’s the thing, though. Have you noticed what’s been happening to Obama as he tries to schedule things?

First, Obama absolutely has to tell us all about this awesome plan he has. But not today. Next week. When the Republicans are scheduled to debate. On NBC.

(By the way, don’t NBC and Obama talk any more? Maybe when Obama gets up in the morning, he doesn’t wake NBC. Then, he’s off to the golf course before NBC even gets out of bed.)

Anyway, Obama wanted to give this oh-so-important speech on Wednesday, September 7, the same night as the GOP debate. Then Claire Shipman’s husband came out and said, “The Republicans can move their debate. It’ll be okay with us.”

And NBC was, like, “awkward!” Then John Boehner (he’s the Speaker of the House or something) was all, like, “No, I’m doing my hair that night, so do it another night.”

So then Obama said he’d do it the next night. But then someone realized that the NFL was playing that night. (On a Thursday night? I thought that was reserved for 2nd-tier college football teams.)

Then Obama was all, “Oh, football? I forgot about that. We didn’t have that in Kenya when I was a boy.”

So, now, it’s still Thursday night, but at 7:00 PM.

Which means that the east coast gets to hear Obama speak, but the left coast will be at work (those that work, anyway) and not able to hear him.

What does all this mean?

It means that we’ve now discovered we can treat Obama like the pretty girls treat the nice-but-don’t-want-to-date-him guy from school.

Make an excuse for a date, and he’ll merrily go along.

“Hey, America? I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go out for a hamburger after study?”

“Oh, Barack, that’s so sweet of you to ask. But I’m doing my hair. Some other time, huh?”

“Okay then, America. How about the next night? We could head over to the Bijou and catch that new movie I heard you talking about?”

“Oh, Barack, that’s so sweet of you to ask. But I’m getting new wallpaper for my room, and I need to make sure everything is just right. You understand?”

“Sure I do, America. What about an early dinner then. Something quick, maybe?”

“Oh, Barack, that’s so sweet of you to ask. But I’ve got cheerleader practice, and just won’t have the time.”

You see? We could do that. We just need to line up excuses. Then, when Obama wants to do something, like give a speech or raise our taxes or push some gargantuan health care bill down out throat, we can offer up an excuse and he’ll put it off till some later time. We keep that up until January, 2013, and the problem takes care of itself.

Now, we just need some excuses.

Any ideas?