Archive of entries posted on 23rd September 2011

The Briar Patch: Michael Moore

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I know. You don’t want to read anything else about the Troy Davis execution. But bear with me.

Everybody’s favorite filmmaker — if by “everybody’s” you mean “every idiot’s” — Michael Moore is so upset about the execution that he’s calling for a boycott of the state of Georgia.

My first thought was, “Promise?”

But the roly-polier-than-thou holier-than-thou director went one step further. Or two steps. Sort of.

He called for his publisher to pull his book, “Here Comes Trouble,” from Georgia bookstores. Then he said he would “donate every dime of every royalty my book makes in Georgia to help defeat the racists and killers who run that state.”

Yes, he said that he doesn’t want his book sold in Georgia, meaning no royalties from Georgia, and that he would donate those non-existent royalties to campaign against Georgia political leaders.

Governor Deal’s spokesman Brian Robinson issued a response:

“We think it’s cute that he thinks anyone in Georgia would buy his book, but if any Georgian does, I’m happy to double the royalties and buy a pack of gum for a charity of Michael Moore’s choice.”

I was never a fan of Nathan Deal. I might have to rethink that.

Nuke the News: Faster Than Light, Republican Debate, and the Hidden Imam

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* The big news right now — CERN MAY HAVE OBSERVED A PARTICLE MOVING FASTER THAN LIGHT!

I can’t believe anyone is talking about politics or the stupid economy when this is hanging over our head. This would completely destroy our understanding of physics. Do you know how many equations in relativity completely break down when you have a velocity greater than the speed of light. This changes everything!

Well, nothing actually changes. Physics is still the same; it would just change what we thought it was. And since most of you aren’t scientists and don’t really care about physics or understood relativity in the first place, it doesn’t change anything for you.

On second thought, forget this; it’s inconsequential.

* So, did everyone watch the FOX News/Google debate last night? It’s starting to look like we’re going to be stuck with that slimy weasel Romney. Intrade has him rocketing ahead now. He has so many vulnerabilities, but no one seems to be able to land a blow on that slippery little rodent. Perry tried an attack on Romney’s flip flopping, and he stumbled over himself so much it was absolutely painful to watch. It made me feel better about my radio appearances it was so bad. Oh, and then there was Perry saying people didn’t have a heart if they didn’t want to subsidize college tuition for illegal immigrants.

I just can’t stand Romney talking about what a “success” Social Security is — the absolute bloated mess that I’m forced to pay into and will receive nothing (and even if I did, it would be a pittance compared to if I were actually able to invest that money). It’s the worst example of the failures of relying on government, and he’s flying its flag. He’s worse than any Democrat on the issue, and I hate the idea he’s going to be the Republican standard bearer for four to eight years. How in the world is he going to do the entitlement reform we need with that attitude?

Of course, he’s probably lying about what he thinks about Social Security — same as everything else. Oh well; he’s electable and should bat around Obama easily.

I’m so dissatisfied with the current crop, I kind of want Palin to enter the race. I think she can win against Obama at this point, and she doesn’t suck as much as anyone else.

Or we could work on elevating Cain. He’s not a politician… which is great but also means he’s a little rough around the edges. But he’s smart; we can work on that if we all get together.

Maybe we could have a Palin/Cain ticket — PAIN!

* Amadinadoddledoodle — the Iran president guy (I’m tried of googling and cutting and pasting his name) — went in front of the U.N. and spouted crazy because that’s what it’s there for. Along with conspiracy theories, he talked about the twelfth imam (the one with three beards, two of them magical and one of them normal) coming to take over the world or something. The twelfth imam is also known as the hidden imam, because I guess he’s like hiding under a box or camouflaged or something. We should probably keep an eye out for him. Check your attics to make sure no imams are hiding there.

Anyway, the U.S. and a bunch of other countries walked out during Amadiddledoober’s speech, probably to look for that hidden imam. It’s like an Easter egg hunt!

* Wisdom of the Day: “Governor Perry losing debate with his own tongue.” –Ann Coulter

* Apparently chimpanzees don’t like to cooperate with each other. They’ll only work together if they get more benefit than working alone; otherwise, they like to be mysterious, loner chimpanzees. This is good news for us because it means there is little chance that monkeys will organize together to rise up against us. Also, since they don’t like to cooperate, we can probably put in seeds of doubt and cause them to fight each other, destroying themselves. So put that under our plans to eliminate monkeys. I hope the government has plans how to make every individual species extinct in case they become nuisances.

Random Thoughts

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“When the sun is at its highest, we shall gather for THE LUNCHEONING!”

Now they’re doing a physics reboot. In the new version, faster than light particles are allowed. It will also be darker, grittier.

Facebook has always been weird and annoying to me, so I haven’t really noticed these changes people are complaining about.

A particle may have moved faster than light – why are we wasting time talking about the economy and politics?

Ad for new Transformers movies had critic quote calling it the “best action movie ever”. Is this a widely held opinion?

I think they were reaching too much with that quote. If they had a critic call it “passable”, I might have bought that.

So what’s a Google debate? They’re allowed to Google during it? About time.

SHUT UP BACHMANN YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ALL OF US!!! …Oh, guess I soured on her.

Ugh. I hate seeing normal people. They’re all so weird looking.

If I could just magically make one of the GOP contenders president, it would be Cain.

I’ll be willing to pay into Social Security and get nothing if my daughter can be spared from paying into it at all.

What’s Race to the Top? Is that on CBS?

Don’t force Romney to answer the question; it just confuses him.

Come on; let’s just give the nomination to Cain. He’s a diamond in the rough, but the others just suck.

Do we really need a president? How about after Bush and Obama we just give the whole thing a break.

Stupid Bachman believe magnets work on Mexicans. SHE’S SO STUPID!!!

Here’s how tired I am of all these people: I kind of want to Palin to run now.

Really; look how awful Obama is doing. 2012 is going to be a gimme to whoever we nominate. Can’t we find someone?

If I were president, I would come up with my own creative way to pronounce every country’s name.

If I wanted someone to defend Social Security, I’d watch a Democrat debate and hang myself.

No smart politician can defend Social Security as a success without being a creepy liar.

Perry’s attack on Romney made me feel a lot better about my radio appearances.

I really like Newt and would vote for him except for the fact that I hate him.

Gary Johnson killed his neighbor’s dog with a shovel?

I agree with Bachmann that probably anyone we nominate will win so let’s nominate the biggest right-wing nut we can find. I’ll have to remind you that I’m still not old enough to be president.

Wait… How much does the presidency pay and what’s the health care plan? And if things don’t work out, is there a severance package? I already know you gets lots of vacation time.

Okay. Enough politics. Time to beat the fifth temple in Legend of Zelda II.

Can’t we all just get together and tell ourselves Cain is electable and make him frontrunner?

Legend of Zelda II is very hard by the way.

Romney is such a dishonest weasel. I guess I should just be happy he’s on our side…ish.