… will impose a tax on all Americans who do not purchase an airline ticket (Congress and Muslims exempted). And John Roberts is fine with that, as long as they don’t call it a “penalty.”
… to increase efficiency will load passengers onto the first available plane without regard to the destination. like they have been doing with luggage for years.
Will introduce the affirmation pat down: “Under penalty of perjury, I swear (or affirm) that I (state your name) am not a terrorist nor a hijacker, intend no harm to anyone on this aircraft, do not intend to use this aircraft as a weapon of mass destruction against any person, place, or thing, and will not complain about the suitability of the the in flight entertainment for myself, my traveling companion(s), or my minor children (or wards).
Print and sign your name:
Print and sign your name as guardian of a minor person:
Public PGP key (if signing form electronically):
“
… will cut back their pat-down and full-body scanner searches to females only…DD or larger.
In unrelated news, President Obama named Bill Clinton as the new head of the TSA.
… will follow the example of the new Bill and Hillary Clinton (Hillbilly) airport in Arkansas, and refuse to disclose arrivals and departures. However, people will still vanish into thin air.
…will replace baggage handlers with that gorilla from the 1970s era Samsonite commercials.
…will turn off the video displays showing departure and arrival gates; just guess and hope you get lucky.
…install coin operated turnstile gates in the jet-ways..
…will be deserted except for the rich and powerful, as was always intended.
…won’t be able to afford Elevenses for the staff anymore.
…will have to reuse rubber gloves thereby causing the spread of a global pandemic that will wipe out humanity, just like the Greens want.
…will cease to exist like all things government related. In an unexpected “Coincidence” Obama’s off shore bank account is valued at 4 Trillion dollars.
…continue to be open, people will continue to fly and life will go on as it had before. Seriously, stop laughing.
…..will no longer allow actual people to fly on planes. Your luggage can go but you will have to find another mode of transportation to get to your destination.
Because you’re G damned ^^^#@ing thieves! You Libertarians truly are the scum of the earth
…will now have 80% less air.
…will now have TSA agents groping two passengers at a time.
…will become a place where Harvey will give bacon to Rodney Dill
http://www.imao.us/index.php/2013/04/i-may-be-having-too-much-fun-with-this/
…will be putting your flight delay on delay
…will allow people on the ‘No Fly List’ to take standby seats to make up lost revenue…
…instead of taxi-ing for take off will now tax you for take off
… will be reserved for Air Force One, and Michelle’s plane, Bo’s plane — and the kids’ planes — and some Hollywood stars’ planes.
(Because nobody needs high-capacity jet travel.)
…will no longer be able to sell those three day old sandwiches for six dollars each. Huzzah!
… will only allow one plucky singing nun for every third plane. Damn you, sequester!
…will institute the policy of “nope, can’t get there from here”
…will require every passenger to help push start all aircraft
…will ask you to help assemble Nike sneakers while sitting in the waiting areas
…will supplement control towers with the robot combat league championship team
…will reduce the cost of all services and amenities within the airport to a reasonable level {sarcasm off}
…will add a Hooters restaurant to every terminal, because who can be mad about being stuck for HOURS in an airport that has a hooters?
…will require all people sleeping on the seating to bunk double
…will be converted to stations for the much cheaper Amtrak high-speed rail lines….
“Long Term Parking” areas will be redesignated as “Somewhat Less Long Term Parking” areas.
… will impose a tax on all Americans who do not purchase an airline ticket (Congress and Muslims exempted). And John Roberts is fine with that, as long as they don’t call it a “penalty.”
… will be used for Bocialist rallies. (But I don’t like the sound of these here boncentration bamps.)
…passengers will be required to grope each other.
…hare krishna will return to take your mind off the delay.
…overhead speakers will continually loop carpentarian rants, beginning with the famous GDFTYLT, for no freakin’ reason whatsoever.
…will make up for reduced personnel by requiring remaining staff to be 15% more distructive, lazy, and annoying.
…will receive 20% of all goods stolen by baggage handlers.
… will only be able to misplace your luggage, not lose it.
… to increase efficiency will load passengers onto the first available plane without regard to the destination. like they have been doing with luggage for years.
. . . will be no less misery-inducing than they were already, because that’s impossible.
… will now issue passengers small pocket knives so they can whitle away the time
while they wait for their flights.
… will replace 747s with golf carts that go beep-beep-beep-beep . . .
…when questioned about delays, will blame bush.
…runways will be 10% shorter.
…passengers will be asked to share air sickness bags.
Will introduce the affirmation pat down: “Under penalty of perjury, I swear (or affirm) that I (state your name) am not a terrorist nor a hijacker, intend no harm to anyone on this aircraft, do not intend to use this aircraft as a weapon of mass destruction against any person, place, or thing, and will not complain about the suitability of the the in flight entertainment for myself, my traveling companion(s), or my minor children (or wards).
Print and sign your name:
Print and sign your name as guardian of a minor person:
Public PGP key (if signing form electronically):
“
@ 26
…and be sure to misspell your name if you wish to avoid the FBI
… will cut back their pat-down and full-body scanner searches to females only…DD or larger.
In unrelated news, President Obama named Bill Clinton as the new head of the TSA.
… will follow the example of the new Bill and Hillary Clinton (Hillbilly) airport in Arkansas, and refuse to disclose arrivals and departures. However, people will still vanish into thin air.
…will replace baggage handlers with that gorilla from the 1970s era Samsonite commercials.
…will turn off the video displays showing departure and arrival gates; just guess and hope you get lucky.
…install coin operated turnstile gates in the jet-ways..
… run more efficiently with less interference.
Because of the sequester cutbacks, airports…
…will be deserted except for the rich and powerful, as was always intended.
…won’t be able to afford Elevenses for the staff anymore.
…will have to reuse rubber gloves thereby causing the spread of a global pandemic that will wipe out humanity, just like the Greens want.
…will cease to exist like all things government related. In an unexpected “Coincidence” Obama’s off shore bank account is valued at 4 Trillion dollars.
…continue to be open, people will continue to fly and life will go on as it had before. Seriously, stop laughing.
…will double up on invasive TSA idiocy so that passengers won’t notice the delays.
TSA Gropers will only be changing gloves every 50 passengers.
tsa gropers will require reservations.
will designate the white zone for loading and unloading only. There will be no parking in the red zone.
Because of the sequester cutbacks, airports…will hold both the ham on 5 and the Mayo
…will no longer allow Air Force One to land. Just Two, Three and Four.
…will have death panels.
…will no longer lose your luggage since that guy was one of those furloughed.
…picked a bad week to crack down on employees using meth-amphetamines.
will only allow planes to take off.
…..will no longer allow actual people to fly on planes. Your luggage can go but you will have to find another mode of transportation to get to your destination.
In lieu of the TSA, passengers in the odd-numbered rows must sexually assault those in the even-numbered rows, and vice-versa.
…will experience delays until baggage handlers kick-back 20% on the fencing of stolen items.
…will have to place arriving Muslims in the same line as departing Muslims waiting for Obama to kiss their asses.
…will hire Joe Biden to run down the runway with his arms held out and making airplane noises to make it seem like things are normal.
…will relax rules for hitch hiking rides on drones.
…will replace the in flight movie with IMAO podcasts and get complaints down to zero.
Will be unable to send letters to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail as the autogyro’s will be grounded.
Because of the Sequester Cutbacks, Airports will no longer be secluded.
will no longer play simulated “sniper fire music ” for visiting political wannabes.
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