Archive of entries posted on March 2003

Endangering Species Act

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Legislators are introducing a bill to help fight exotic species like the evil Chinese superfish, the snakehead. This is a good thing. We have plenty of laws protecting different animal species, but I’ve always said we don’t have enough laws calling for their deaths. To me, this was the biggest oversight of the Endangered Species Act. In it, we try to save animals that are going extinct because of the actions of man, but what about the animals who were supposed to become extinct? Don’t we, to preserve the natural order of things, have to find them and eradicate them?
I say we add a committee to the EPA whose job it is to decide which animals should become extinct, and then send out a special squad to find and eliminate those animals. I will be on that squad. First off, I say we get rid of the mosquito. They cause itchy bumps and there is no need for that. Frankly, I could do without most insects. If bees want to stick around, they really should think hard about getting rid of those stingers.
As for birds, obviously the pigeon has to go. Also, I’ve never liked the Canadian geese; they’re dirty filthy things and they’re from Canada. I also don’t get the point of a bird that can’t fly, but I’ll spare the penguins since they stay out of our way in Antarctica.
The oceans are filled with tons of weird, icky things with sharp teeth or poison; I say we be a lot more discriminating about what we let live the ocean. The really deep-sea creatures are fine – we never run into them – but anything near the surface has to be nicer or taste good fried.
Also, I find the idea of mammals that live like fish perverse. I especially don’t like the dolphins. They think they’re so great since everyone says how smart they are, but they better learn some humility or its curtains for them.
As for land mammals, the raccoons keep getting in my trash – they die now. I never trusted cats, so lets at least get rid of all the large, wild ones. Also, there is something about squirrels I just find unsettling; since they don’t seem to play an integral part of the ecosystem, let’s get rid of them just to be on the safe side. Oh, and for the deer, it’s fun shooting you, but you better start learning to look both ways before crossing the street. Marsupials are weird, but so is much of Australia, but any marsupials that wander off the reservation should be dealt with; yeah, I’m talking about you, opossum.
Anyway, could someone who is good at writing legislation type up the bill and send it to congress? I’ll start oiling up the shotguns in preparation.

In My World: Rumsfeld Reveals His Evil Plans

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“WAR!” Rumsfeld shouted, and then resumed in a whisper, “I can feel it nearing… growing closer… and as war approaches, my strength grows…”
He noticed the press starting to back away towards the exit.
“The doors are locked,” he told them, “Ask your questions.”
“So you’re not worried that the U.S. will not have the votes it needs in the U.N.?”
“The U.N. is weak! This world is for the strong! The U.N. serves no purpose anymore.”
“What about the U.N.’s own plan for a post-war Iraq?”
Rumsfeld laughed heartily, striking fear in the hearts of all the reporters. “After Iraq is obliterated, we will turn our vengeance on the U.N. and all those unfaithful to America. Most of Europe will be stripped mined and Canada changed into a prison camp.”
“So all those protesters who said that America has imperialistic intentions…”
“Were absolutely right… and will be killed.”
“So why do you tell us this now?” asked one reporter, cowering.
“Because it is too late to stop us!” Rumsfeld declared triumphantly, “No filthy hippy, no matter how cleverly worded his placard, can prevent America’s war machine now that the gears are turning. Soon all of the world will rest under America’s thumb, and it will be a glorious new era of prosperity… except for those who don’t live in America. They will wail mournfully the rest of their short lives, cursing the day they ever spoke against the U.S.A.”
“Don’t you think the American people won’t stand for such imperialism?”
Rumsfeld grabbed the reporter by his collar. “You will report none of this!” He then tossed him across the room. “Freedom of the press has been abolished!” He threw a bunch of papers to the press. “Here are the stories you will report.”
“But we have integrity as news correspondents…”
“Rarrr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he shook his fists in the air threateningly.
“Yes master!”

“In our top story tonight, the cause of cancer has been discovered: listening to liberals. Experts have found that their ideas are actually so idiotic that they’re carcinogenic.”
“Hey, Ari, you gotta see this!” Bush shouted as he sat watching TV, “They’re reporting… ack… cough… erk…”
Ari Fleischer ran over and gave Bush the Heimlich maneuver, popping a pretzel out of his mouth. “What is it?”
“Rumsfeld convinced reporters he ended freedom of the press again. It’s hilarious!”
“Experts say to shun peace rallies at all cost,” the report continued, “and recommend quarantining all liberal college professors. Also, they say if you see Michael Moore, you should beat him with an axe handle before he has a chance to speak.”
“Hell,” Bush remarked, “I already knew to do that.”

You Shadow Our Planes, We Puncha Your Face

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Four armed North Korean jets intercepted one of our reconnaissance planes over the Sea of Japan. I know what you’re probably saying, “Hey, they shouldn’t do that! Let’s hit North Korea with a biological weapon, then saturation bomb them, then nuke them, and then shoot them with some sort of space-based laser.” That does seem like the natural response, but that’s not the diplomatic thing. Instead, the U.S. is going to file a formal protest with North Korea over the incident. But the question is, how to do you this to crazy people? If you just wrote Kim Jong Il a harshly worded letter, he’d probably just fold it into a hat and do a crazy little dance while wearing it. That’s why I have some better ideas for protest.
Maybe one reason North Korea keeps antagonizing us is that they don’t really understand what we’ll do to them if we get truly pissed. Thus, we should give them a visual aid. One idea is to bomb the crap out of France (yeah, I know, that’s my answer to everything). We have to go completely nuts on them. Then we tell North Korea, “See that? That’s what’s going to happen to you if you don’t shape up.”
Another idea is to try to communicate to them on their own level of crazy. We can drop a shipment of infected monkeys into the middle of his capital city. People hate infected monkeys. Then we can say, “Hey, you play nice or you get bitten by infected monkeys.”
Or perhaps we shouldn’t protest at all and instead teach them in a Pavlovian way that U.S. surveillance planes equals bad. What we do is fill one of them up with explosives and fly it by remote, then, as soon as their MiGs get near it to shadow it, BOOM!
Or we could just forget the whole thing. I never got our interest in North Korea anyway; there’s no oil to steal.

Links of the Day

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John Hawkins with the help of his proofreader Hadez has some fun with a Brazilian nut who he convinced he is an Iraqi. The whole time reading it I kept thinking, “Wow, John Hawkins has a proofreader. Sweet.”
I like Laurence Simon’s photoshopped version of “Nudes for Peace” or whatever they call it.
Blaster has an analysis (with maps and everything) of what Turkey means and doesn’t mean to the war with Iraq.

In My World: President Bush to Do Own Lawn Care

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Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, allegedly the planner of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, is now in U.S. custody, having been captured in Pakistan. President Bush was quick to give a statement about the victory.
“Yeah, we got that sucka!” Bush announced to the press, “I have plans to personally question Mohammed to find what other evil terrorist secrets he is hiding.”
When asked if he would be willing to use torture to extract information from Mohammed, Bush answered, “Absolutely not. Torture is bad, and we is a civilized nation.”
“So why do you have a rubber hose with you?” a reporter asked.
“Uh… because I plan on watering the White House lawn after questioning Mohammed.”
“Don’t you have a lawn service to do that?”
“Hey, I’m just trying to save the tax payers money!” Bush answered angrily, “Now stop asking me so many questions or I’ll beat you with this hose just like I’m about to beat Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!”
White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer soon gave a press conference to once again explain that Bush didn’t mean what he said. He didn’t seem in the mood for taking questions today, though.
“Why do we have to tell you idiots anything?” Fleischer asked, “Everyone hates you people. We’re the government of the United States of America. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anyone!”
“Don’t you owe explanations of your actions to the American people?” answered a reporter.
“That’s an interesting theory,” Fleischer stated, “and I will respond to it by throwing a beer bottle at your head.” Fleischer was true to his word.
“Do have to drink during these press conferences?” asked another reporter, one who was not now bleeding.
Fleischer saw Helen Thomas preparing to ask a question. “Yes.”
“Why does President Harding want an illegal war for oil?” Thomas asked. “Why does he want to kill innocent Iraqi children?”
“Helen, please, if there is any decency in you, just lie down on the ground and stop breathing,” Fleischer urged.
“You stole my pills earlier today!” Thomas yelled at him. “You give them back.”
“No. And I don’t want any more questions about this ‘Blood for Oil’ nonsense. As I keep explaining to you people, we already stole all of Iraq’s oil while we were distracting Saddam with the inspections. This war with Iraq is pure bloodlust, plain and simple, and oil has nothing to do with it.”
“What is the White House’s response to the increasing rhetoric from North Korea? They claim that the CIA is plotting to blow up their reactors, and that they will respond with a nuclear war.”
“Nuclear war against whom?” Fleischer laughed, “Pasadena? Their nukes are pathetic.”
“But they could hit South Korea and Japan.”
Fleischer shrugged his shoulders. “So what? We don’t live there. I say let the CIA blow up their reactors. President Bush’s official opinion is that the CIA is that they can do whatever they want as long as they don’t assassinate him like they did JFK.”
“Is there any truth to the fact that you and President Bush secretly met with Jimmy Carter under the pretenses of asking him to negotiate with North Korea, but then proceeded to beat him up and steal his lunch money.”
Fleischer pounded his fist into his palm. “That little squealer! Uh… I mean… I want the press to know that Jimmy Carter is a dirty liar and that all the cool politicians hate him.”
President Bush then ran into the room. “Het, Ari, can I borrow your hose. I need it to go spray some protestors.”
“What happened to yours?”
“I broke it on a Muslim. Come on, I hear Martin Sheen is among them. Maybe I can give him some up close and personal lessons on how a real president beats up a protestor.”
“Kick ass!” Fleischer exclaimed, running off with Bush.
“But we have questions about the state of current affairs that are important to the American people!” one reporter protested, Fleischer and Bush were already gone. “Who am I kidding; we would have more viewers if we were questioning Zora from Joe Millionaire.”