Armstrong’s Redemption
I’ve been reading the press reports, following, the news, and of course, reading the blogosphere. I’ve been very disappointed in the coverage to date. Sure, the man made a mistake. But the consensus seems to be: Armstrong is done.
Is this fair. Of course not. But it’s the reality of the situation. Al Sharpton can level false charges and start a race riot that where people die. Jesse Jackson can say anything he wants. In fact, last I checked, I’m not sure which he had in greater abundance — supporters or mistresses.
Now, Armstrong has been caught doing something wrong.Actually, this is only a problem if you’re conservative. If you were liberal, you’d run around waving your hands frantically saying the other side doesn’t care about our kids and whether they can read or not.
Howver, Armstrong can’t play the Race Card.
**
Mr. Williams, I’m with the Race Card. I’m sorry but I came to revoke it.
What, Are you doing this because I’m black?
Sorry, the Race Card isn’t available for conservatives. Here, take this.
The Bigot card?
Sure thing. Plus it comes with 20 free Homophobe points!
**
You think Armstrong is done? What is wrong with you people? Have we learned nothing from watching and mocking liberals without end?
I’d like to present to you
RWD’s Unofficial Armstrong Williams Comeback Plan.
There is a path to redemption and it can be just as fun to watch it unfold.
Step One. Admit you did wrong. A conflict of interest is a conflict of interest. Now, since Liberals don’t understand shame, they will gather around you and move in for the kill. This is just where you want them — close by with a recorder running.
Step Two: Blame George Bush. The stronger the accusation, the better. It can be anything. Anything at all. Yes, somebody paid you money, but the motivation is what will give it some legs. Try these accusations–
“I had a family to feed.”
“I needed to pay for this expensive healthcare!”
“Why isn’t anyone doing anything about global warming?”
Weapons of Mass destruction.”
Tsunamis and American stinginess.
Abu Grahib.
Barney the White House Dog.
Or combine them for added impact and entertainment.
Examples include:
“Global warming has affected my ability to feed my family. Bush doesn’t care.”
“Halliburton has single handedly raised the cost of healthcare for working families.”
Or
“Barney the White House Dog knew of the tsunami and told nobody.”
Step Three. The publicity tour. Ideally, you want to write a book as soon as possible. Now, thankfully, the media will give it a positive review without reading it. In fact, they probably won’t ever read it, so feel free to just borrow another writer’s book and put a new cover on it.
I recommend: Hugh Hewitt’s Blog, Ann Coulter’s ‘How to Talk to a Liberal‘, or David Limbaugh’s ‘Persecution’. Might as well help our conservative friends increase sales.
What happens if somebody does read the book? You have several options.
“Mr. Williams, your book “Halliburton, Barney, and Global Warming” is just a copy of Rush Limbaugh’s “See, I Told You So” with a different cover. Any comment?”
“Really? It must have been a typo. You should go out and by another copy.”
Or
“That explains why Michael Moore didn’t want to make the movie!”
Or
“Man, is there no way for us to escape the horrible reach of the fascist regime?”
Have no fear. Even if they read it, as long as Bush Bashing is involved, the media will cut you lots of slack. During this time, it’s important that you take lots and lots of pictures with Liberal Democrats in as many settings as possible. Attend Democratic Fundraisers, go to movie premieres, attend parties – anywhere where you can take pictures in a buddy-buddy setting.
Step Four: Sit back and wait. This involves a lot of patience. After the book tours are done and the noise settles down, you’ll have to sit in semi retirement — doing an occasional guest visit on TV and/or Radio. You can use this time to read, or fish, or sit at a casino slot machine next to William Bennett. This is your time. Enjoy it.
Step Five. At some point, the Left will do something really stupid. Like present the National Guard documents or nominate John Kerry again. This is the moment. Go on the attack. Tell them you are so outraged, you are now defecting yet once again.
“How can they do this? I believed in the Left, now I’m so outraged, I’m voting Republican!” Hit the talk show circuit again.
Step Six. Write another book. You’ll have to actually write one this time, but it’s a small price to pay. When the Left attacks, as it surely will, flash all those buddy pictures to make them go away. It’s hard for Maureen Dowd to criticize when you have a picture of you holding her head over the toilet while she pukes at Rosie O’ Donnell’s wedding.
Step Seven. Welcome back to the conservative fold!! Remember to NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN!! Always disclose any conflict of interest.
There it is, ladies and gentlemen. The complete plan. RWD is available for private career counseling.
Mwuhahahaha.
Genius.
Through top secret sources, I, RightWingDuck, was able to locate the first draft of the apology. You will totally not believe what this guy was going to say. Man, these people need me.