“It’s time for you to get to work, Snowman. By the way, that’s your new nickname,” President Bush told Tony Snow. “Nobody likes me anymore, but you have to spin things so everybody thinks I’m the super-coolest person ever. And you have to convince all the press to only write nice things about me. So you do a good job or you’ll end up like Scott McClellan – fat!”
“I’ll do what I can,” Tony answered, “but you try and stay out of trouble. I don’t want this job to be any harder than it already is.”
“Hey, trouble is my middle name!” Bush answered and then thought for a moment. “Wait, my middle name starts with a ‘w’. What is it? Wilhelm?”
“Just focus on not screwing anything up and I’ll handle the press,” Tony assured him. He then headed out to the press room where all the reporters were waiting.
“So, are you the new White House Press Secretary?” a reporter asked.
“First off,” Tony stated, “I’m already a hundred times the journalist of all you hacks added together, so, instead of answering your moronic queries, I’m just going to state everything you need to know and you’ll jot it all down and report that. Are we clear?”
“Mr. Snow, we need–” a reporter started to say, but then screamed in pain as he fell to the ground.
“Now, one thing you need to know,” Tony said, “is that I can now shock you through your press passes. This wasn’t my idea; it was done by Homeland Security. Now, on to politics. While there are many troubles in Iraq, it’s going much better than you shills report. Progress is being made daily. With Iran, many options are being looked at, but nothing has been decided on. Finally, the Democrats are all morons and you waste time reporting on anything they do or say. I think that covers everything.”
“What about how Karl Rove will be–” A horde of screaming demons crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the reporter, and flew off.
“It should be mentioned,” Tony said, “that questions about Karl Rove will cause screeching demons to come after you. That’s out of my hands.”
“And there are also reports that secret police are taking away anyone who questions the White House,” a reporter stated. “What is your reaction?”
Some men in black ran into the room, grabbed the reporter, and dragged her away.
“Next question,” Tony said in a bored voice.
“War murder and oil because Bush bad!” Helen Thomas cackled.
Tony Snow made a motion to some men in white in the back of the room. They came forward and gently walked Helen Thomas out of the press room.
“Are they taking her to a nursing home?” a reporter asked.
“That or they’re going to tie her up and leave her in an abandoned warehouse,” Tony answered. “Either way, I don’t care.”
A truck crashed through the side of the room. “Trouble, Tony!” Bush yelled as he got out of the driver seat. “I may have just been involved in an armed robbery and this truck may or may nor be stolen. Anyway, spin it all to make it sound good.”
“I thought we agreed you’d avoid misadventures until your polls are up!” Tony said.
Bush opened the back of the truck. “I tried; really, I did.” A bunch of Mexicans came out the back.
“Are you smuggling Mexicans across the border?” Tony asked.
“The less you know, the better.” Bush started dousing the truck in gasoline. “I’m going to take care of the evidence; you continue with your press conference.”
“I want you all to ignore the scene over there and focus on me,” Tony commanded the press. “I’m going to use this blackboard behind me to give you all a lecture on good journalism… since you guys really need it. Let’s get started.”
“I don’t need to be lectured about journalism from someone from FOX News!” Daivd Gregory shouted. “I’m David Gregory! I–” David Gregory burst into flames.
“By the way,” Tony said, “the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that’s more of a feature than a bug.”
Panicked, Gregory ran into the truck setting it on fire.
“Since this room is starting to burn down,” one reporter said, “can we skip the lecture?”
“That might be smart. Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show. So, if in the future, you find the press room filled with snakes or you get locked in an underground bunker, I warned you.”
The reporters fled the room.
“Good job for your first day,” Bush said. “So, what now?”
Tony looked at the burning truck. “I think I’m going to a bar.”
“There’s a list of nearest bars in your ‘Welcome to the White House Staff’ basket.” Bush looked around the room which was all quickly catching fire. “This isn’t going to burn itself out, is it?”
//”Now, one thing you need to know,” Tony said, “is that I can now shock you through your press passes. //
YES!! FINALLY! That’s almost as Kewl as turning Chomps loose on them. This was a good one Frank,…BUT typos, typos typos. I’ll offer to edit for $1.85 an hour.
Anyway ROFLMAO!!
That is freakin’ hilarious! David Gregory bursting into flames is funny, I don’t care who you are.
This may be your all-time best. Shocking them through their press passes, demons spiriting off reporters, men in black abducting reporters, men in white escorting Helen Thomas away . . . it’s great, even by the astonishingly high standards that you’ve set for yourself!
By the way, you owe me for a can of Coca-Cola to replace the one that I just spewed out of my mouth and all over my monitor.
I just picked myself off the floor and have a giant wet spot on the front of my pants! The men in white coats are on their way! Best “IMW” yet! Keep up the good work!
f*** yeah.
now tony can stop pretending to be a journalist
and just blatantly sell this administration’s policies. oh wait, he’s been doing that for the last 6 years…
I just discovered your site referenced on Lucianne. I have been under the weather, but when I read this, I laughed helplessly for several minutes. Just glad I wasn’t drinking anything.
f*ck yeah.
now tony can stop pretending to be a journalist
and just blatantly sell this administration’s policies. oh wait, he’s been doing that for the last 6 years…
See, Frank? Now that’s funny.
“Heck, yeah.
Now the White House press corps can stop pretending to be journalists
and just blatantly lie about this administration’s policies. Oh wait, they’ve been doing that for the last 6 years….”
Just thought that I would fix those typos for you, Joe.
“Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show.”
New NBC White House correspondent: Kellie Pickler!
“By the way,” Tony said, “the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that’s more of a feature than a bug.”
LOL!!!
David Gregory burst into flames…brilliant!!! I loved it!!! I hope you have some vision into the not too distant future, Frank!!! LOL!!!
David Gregory burst into flames…brilliant!!! I loved it!!! I hope you have some vision into the not too distant future, Frank!!! LOL!!!
funnier than midgets running track…
Sometimes things just fall into your lap.
Now for the next important question: what’s Tony Snow’s favorite weapon?
now tony can stop pretending to be a journalist
and just blatantly sell this administration’s policies. oh wait, he’s been doing that for the last 6 years…
Funny how George Snuffalump…Snuphlup…Snufffallummm…THE GUY WITH THE HAIR gets a job with ABC and he’s seen by libs as “unbiased”. hmmmm
//Now for the next important question: what’s Tony Snow’s favorite weapon?//
Tasers? (hopeful smile)
This is the best IMW yet.
BTW, that leftard Joe must not have ever seen Tony Snow lace into the president on FOXNews (he must have been watching PBS)
I’ve been burning up, myself, and just sent some scorchers to the White House over Illegal Aliens.
I’m happy to report that after reading this, I feel much better, now!
THANKS A MILLION, Frank! I love it! I just love it.
You don’t know what you have just done for me!
Thanks so much!
I just bet Joe’s parent are real proud of him. He kisses his mother with that mouth. Yuck!!!!!!
Frank you, as usual, managed to be funny, witty and pithy without resorting to the crude, vulgar, and disgusting. Unlike a liberal, a conservative can make his or her point in real prose. They can also skewer both their friends and enemies. (Helen Thomas’ head needed to explode though)
Thank you for the Hee Hee. I enjoyed it immensely
LOVE YOUR SITE!!! you are going onto my blogroll!